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Wolf's Big Board:     Thursday, May 25, 2017     Tier One - The Big Three   1 ) David Johnson (ARI) RB1   2 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT) RB2   3 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL) RB3   Tier Two - High-end WR1 and RB1s   4 ) Antonio Brown (PIT) WR1   5 ) Julio Jones (ATL) WR2   6 ) Mike Evans (TB) WR3   7 ) Odell Beckham JR. (NYG) WR4   8 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN) RB4   9 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC) RB5   10 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF) RB6   11 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA) RB7   12 ) AJ Green (CIN) WR5   13 ) Jordy Nelson (GB) WR6   14 ) Michael Thomas (NO) WR7   15 ) Dez Bryant (DAL) WR8   16 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL) RB8   Tier 3 - Lower-end RB1 and WR1s, elite second options   17 ) Lamar Miller (HOU) RB9   18 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU) WR9   19 ) TY Hilton (IND) WR10   20 ) Leonard Fournette (JAX) RB10   21 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE) TE1   22 ) Brandin Cooks (NE) WR11   23 ) Demaryius Thomas. (DEN) WR12   24 ) Jordan Reed (WAS) TE2   25 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA) WR13   26 ) Amari Cooper (OAK) WR14   Tier 3.5   27 ) Todd Gurley (LAR) RB11   28 ) Carlos Hyde (SF) RB12   29 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR) RB13   30 ) Jordan Howard (CHI) RB14   31 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK) RB15   32 ) Davante Adams (GB) WR15   33 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI) WR16   34 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE) RB16   35 ) Tyreek Hill (KC) WR17   36 ) Keenan Allen (LAC) WR18   37 ) Spencer Ware (KC) RB17   Tier 4 - Elite QBs, Solid #2 RBs + WRs, side TE1s   38 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ) RB18   39 ) Tom Brady (NE) QB1   40 ) Sammy Watkins WR19   41 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB) QB2   42 ) Travis Kielce (KC) TE3   43 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS) WR20   44 ) Allen Robinson (JAC) WR21   44 ) Mike Gillislee (NE) RB19   45 ) Mark Ingram (NO) RB20   46 ) Golden Tate (DET) WR22   47 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS) WR23   48 ) Greg Olsen (CAR) TE4   48 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL) RB21   49 ) Willie Snead (NO) WR24   50 ) Doug Martin (TB) RB22   51 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK) WR25   52 ) Brandon Marshal (NYG) WR26   53 ) Julian Edelman (NE) WR27   54 ) Donte Moncrief (IND) WR28   55 ) Drew Brees (NO) QB3   56 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET) RB23   57 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA) TE5   58 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN) TE6   59 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT) WR29   Tier 5 - Last Startable WRs and RBs + TE1 Candidates   60 ) Pierre Garcon (SF) WR30   61 ) Eric Decker (NYJ) WR31   62 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA) WR32   63 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI) WR33   64 ) Samaje Perine (WAS) RB24   65 ) Joe Mixon (CIN) RB25   66 ) CJ Anderson (DEN) RB26   67 ) Matt Ryan (ATL) QB4   68 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN) WR33   69 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN) WR34   70 ) Ty Montgomery (GB) RB27   71 ) Hunter Henry (LAC) TE7   72 ) Corey Davis (TEN) WR35   73 ) Adrian Peterson (NO) RB28   74 ) Kelvin Benjamin (CAR) WR36   75 ) Delanie Walker TE8   76 ) Paul Perkins (NYG) RB29   77 ) CJ Prosise (SEA) RB30   78 ) Eddie Lacy (SEA) RB31   79 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN) RB32   80 ) Theo Riddick (DET) RB33   81 ) Frank Gore (IND) RB34   82 ) Cameron Meredith (CHI) WR38   83 ) Mike Wallace (BAL) WR39   84 ) DeSean Jackson (TB) WR40   85 ) Martellus Bennett (GB) TE9   TIer 7 - side QB1s and Top WR and RB Lottery Tickets   86 ) Andrew Luck (IND) QB5   87 ) Derek Carr (OAK) QB6   88 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS) QB7   89 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN) QB8   90 ) Philip Rivers (LAC) QB9   91 ) Ben Roethlisberger QB10   92 ) Dak Prescott (DAL) QB11   93 ) Jameis Winston (TB) QB12   94 ) Joe Williams (SF) RB35   95 ) Derrick Henry (TEN) RB36   96 ) Kareem Hunt (KC) RB37   97 ) Jamaal Williams (GB) RB38   98 ) Davante Parker (MIA) WR41   99 ) Josh Doctson (WAS) WR42   100 ) Ted Ginn (NO) WR43  
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The Importance of Unsportsmanlike Conduct

If you’re reading this article looking for fantasy advice, stop now. Don’t waste another second.


In my most successful season, I finished in 6th place. In my other 3 years, I missed the playoffs entirely. I’m no one’s idea of a “fantasy expert.” Jay Cutler has been my fantasy quarterback for 4 years running, and somehow I still see unlimited ceiling — that should tell you enough.

But don’t think for a second that means that I care less about fantasy football than the champs, I just prefer to be “a guru” of another crucial realm: trash talk.  My attention is far more focused on  low blows than on the X’s and O’s of fantasy success. Allow me to explain…

My fantasy league is made up of 12 of my high school friends. We all grew up in the same city, and some of our friendships date back 20+ years. With that kind of bond, fantasy football, to me, has become more about staying in touch with the assholes you used to light shit on fire with than tracking Antonio Brown’s receiving targets.

I work on ships full time. I only spend 3-4 months in the U.S. each year, and most of my travel does not allow Internet access. The things I’ve seen and my tales from the deep could fill up pages. Perhaps that’ll be a story for another day.

But this puts me at a major disadvantage to be up on the latest fantasy action. The Wolf’s all hard for this guy David Johnson who I haven’t even seen play yet. Still, I love harassing my friends too much to quit. So, I throw $150 away each year for the sole purpose of talking shit.

It’s a price I happily pay, because this bunch of co-degenerates provides some of the primest material around. I mean, just take a peek at these assholes. A piece of shit so whipped that  he drives 6 hours to pick up a fucking rabbit. A guy so obsessed with how much cock athletes are slinging in their pants that he drafts based on EDS (estimated dick size). A tool shed who still beats off to Disney Princesses. Worst of all, a Mexican that can’t even speak Spanish.

And so we all tear each other to pieces, for shit like this and all the other idiotic throw ups, bed wettings, and horrible hookups in between. We ruthlessly rip one another as we all pursue the chance to have our name stitched into the greatest prize in sports today — not the Lombardi or Stanley’s Cup, but a headwear accessory most commonly found in Egypt and Cyprus.

The Fez. All praise it.  

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Don’t get me wrong, I still love fantasy football. Prior to the annual draft, I do my share of research. I experiment with mock drafts from every position on the board, read articles online, and keep track of offseason personnel/coaching changes. I read about tendencies. I evaluate depth charts. I probably spend an hour a day preparing for the draft for the 2 months leading up to it.

So with that dedication why do I constantly finish in the basement of my league? Because I spend twice as much time trying to think up a clever team name that will degrade my opening week opponent.

I’ve attacked everything you can think of in this league. I’ve talked about friends’ mothers, sisters, and loved ones. I’ve ridiculed players’ pets and threatened the lives of their grandparents. Simply put, I’m a heartless sailor determined to sink every other ship in sight.

And although I’d love to climb the ladder to the top of our fantasy league, I get more joy talking about my friend’s receding hairline than I do over a fantasy victory. I like being able to keep in touch through messages so inappropriate that my leaguemates could get fired for opening it, at work.  The playoff picture would be nice, but thrashing my leaguemates is better.

That’s what makes fantasy football so great to me.

Let’s be clear. I’m a little fucked up. My friends are just as bad. So what if I like to deliver that friendly wake up text on a sunny Sunday morning in September telling my buddy to “go play in traffic.” It’s awesome to email a friend you haven’t seen in months and warn him that you are going to suck down rat poison if Jay Cutler throws another INT to end the first half. That’s why having a league of friends is crucial.

This column is reserved for the fantasy footballers like me, who are in it not to win it, but to shred their opponents’ souls. Those who enjoy a good story more than a good outcome.

So let’s tell it — share your finest trash talk stories over to SailorJ@rotostreetjournal.com

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