The title question, asked by a rage-filled Bill Tobin, has inspired The RSJ’s case study on Mel Kiper. The results, while unsurprising, are still quite depressing…
Warning: Contains Explicit Content, intended for Mature Audiences only. RE: If I had a kid, I wouldn’t want him reading it.
Some picks have been praised. Many more have been bashed. The 2017 grades are being crafted. Every NFL GM’s sanity, integrity, and family morals have been aggressively questioned. The gelled up tower of hair has, yet again, failed to move an inch despite his emphatic head bobs.
The 2017 NFL Draft is coming to a close, and with our yearly dose finally swallowed, ESPN will soon send Mel Kiper, one of America’s great trolls, back to his cave.
Kiper is like the obnoxious, brash hardo who was somehow at every college party despite no one actually wanting him there. That 35 year old guy who doesn’t have his own group of friends or even go to your school… but still crawls out of some hole whenever he hears a Busch light being cracked open. When he inevitably shows up at your reunion, you’re secretly excited just because it’ll stir up those deep-seeded feelings of hatred.
That’s Kiper in the sports world.
No one’s really sure why, in 1984, ESPN decided to invite Melvin Adam Kiper Jr. to the professional reporting party. Perhaps they recognized his “passion” for evaluating, grading, and criticizing (explored in far greater depth below). Maybe they knew Kiper’s cartoonish looks and personality would stir up controversy.
Regardless, no matter how many swipes NFL GM’s take at this mosquito, the pesky blood sucker is here to stay and rip every GM a new anus. No barb can ever penetrate the rock-hard head of hair:
- “He knows about as much about football as I do about nuclear physics.” – Mike Hickey, the Jets’ former director of player personnel
- “Who decided Mel Kiper was an expert, anyway?”- Ted Plumb, former Eagles coordinator
- “I’ve missed somewhere along what Mel Kiper’s done that makes him an authority.” -former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz
But no one has quite so infamously and ruthlessly attacked The Gelled Giant quite like 1994 Colts’ GM Bill Tobin. He was inspired by an epic Kiper trolling that really captures the core of the ESPN analyst:
Tobin’s response was among the more priceless in sports reporting history:
Yet, when the humor dust settled, a very pertinent question still lingered:
Just who in the hell is Mel Kiper?
What began as merely piqued interest soon devolved into a burning obsession. Below lie the results of an extensive field study. Daily observations, historical researching, and interviews with past and present friends, teachers, and lovers make up the paint of this portrait.
All for a simple goal: to discover what truly lied behind such an assertive, mysterious curtain.
The results? A devastating tale of a socially crippled, withered man in need of some serious help.
Flashing signs of addiction at a young age…
Covering up “addiction” as merely “passion” is quite easy to do.
As a young, inspired child, Kiper wasn’t one to run around at the Baltimore parks or play a pickup game of football. Rather, he was constantly observing and taking notes on the field of play, the roots of his evaluating addiction beginning to spread:
- Kiper warned recess lot captains to refrain from reaching on Jack, who’s “tremendous arm strength gives a top-3 appearance but who’s ceiling is capped with a lack of mobility and massive target surface.”
- Four Square hopefuls knew to find a new game if Timmy joined the line: “Rabbit-like agility to get to almost any spiked ball…equally fluid in his hips to the left and right sides…underrated power in his spikes…truly elite, franchise four-square talent.”
- Truth and Dare enthusiasts were well aware of “the high upside, but low floor” of Cody: “high suspension rate, general lack of morals, this kid will take on any dare and issue back something equally as controversial. Advisable to stay away.”
Even teachers weren’t free from his grasp. Daily reports and grades on Content Knowledge, Pacing, Behavior Management, and Creativity made Mel a critical terror to teach; two instructors were put under improvement plans and ultimately axed when the principal found Mel’s Scouting Profiles in a desk.
What appeared a mere hobby continued devolving towards to dependency as he entered high school. At age 16, Mel proved incapable of just sitting with friends and enjoying a Baltimore Colts practice. Rather, he was constantly taking notes and handing out his scouting reports to anyone willing to throw them away three seconds later.
Yet, this sociopathic behavior caught the eyes of the Colts’ higher ups. Really, they had no choice but to eventually acknowledge the kid with the weird hair constantly barking around their practices:
“All these other kids were running around getting autographs,” recalls Ernie Accorsi, the Colts’ general manager at the time and a longtime NFL executive, “and instead he was there giving me his draft lists, ranking college players.”
Unbeknownst to the conflagration he was fueling, Ernie provided Kiper some words of encouragement. This took an enormous toll on Mel’s father’s wallet, as his son reportedly racked up enormous long distance phone bills and forced daddy to install an absurd satellite dish so he could gather information from every source.
Fully enabled, Mel’s addiction fueled a rapid ascension in an otherwise barren NFL Draft Analyst market. If only his need to evaluate and rank was cut off here — strictly in the realm of football — we would be looking at The American Dream: turning your passion into your life.
Sadly, his scouting eye extends far beyond the gridiron. His insatiable thirst to constantly rank, evaluate, and grade has torn down any meaningful relationship, and made establishing new ones near impossible.
A crippled social life…
Food
During Draft Day, ESPN aired what appeared to be a joke commercial of Mel evaluating the various components of a salad bar. Some highlights:
- “Franchise player, starts with a green leafy base…Romaine is the safe bet, but kale is the next lettuce.Tremendous upside.”
- “Raw talent.. carrots, they add the crunch. Total throwback player.”
- “Cherry tomatoes, not a bad reach. Undersized, but man do they pack a punch.”
Only those closely associated with Mel understand we’re laughing at him, not with him.
As Mel spouts his reviews of every salad bar item, a frustrated onlooker moves on from his salad dream. This exemplifies Kiper’s day-to-day interactions, and ESPN should be ashamed for making light of this on a national stage.
From a young age, Mel has been able to eat nothing but a crustless pumpkin pie for breakfast. No other morning options rival the value in Mel’s eyes, and thus he’s been trapped housing the same first meal every day. His evaluation: “Pumpkin pie for breakfast every morning. Safeway brand, without the crust. Lot of antioxidants in it, and the crust has all the hydrogenated stuff in it, so you don’t eat the crust, just the pumpkin part. And a glass of skim milk.”
In fact, these types of food evaluations led Mel to purchase his first computer in 2009. As he spouted off a kindly review about the unparalleled flakiness of a crouissant, the diner’s innocent owner mentioned Mel would be great for Yelp.
America’s Greatest Internet Troll was born later that day.
Averaging well over 15 reviews a day, Mel quickly acquired Elite Yelp status. Now, restaurant owners and staff tremble when they see Hair Mountain enter, terrified at being placed on Mel’s DND (Do Not Dine) list.
One would hope Mel would turn down the heat of his skewering in this arena, but Hair Spray 101 has only one gear. A recent review of a local, casual Italian eatery adored by locals:
“You enter the restaurant with these high expectations, but let me tell you one thing. Not only is the buzz not deserved, it’s flat out despicable. The chef’s mother should take a long look in the mirror if this “Family Recipe Chicken Parm” was truly her invention — dry breast, heavy on the provolone, and a lackluster marinara ranked this among the lowest chicken parms that’ve crossed my palette.
Service, despite friendly, was more sluggish than Tom Brady’s 40 yard dash. This place is all hype, no production. Welcome to the DND.”
There’s simply no off-switch, which absolutely tanks his social life:
Friends
As frightening as Mel is online, he’s equally off-putting in person. No matter the efforts, he simply cannot turn off the reviewing and analyzing, and he’s thus failed at establishing and maintaining relationships his entire life.
Take watching any sports game as an example. Far beyond his non-stop review of every players’ measurables, Mel can’t even relent during commercials. Recently overheard assessing his “friend” during an NBA Playoff game:
“Average to subpar reaction time with the clicker in his hand. You’ll get an average of 5-6 seconds per commercial break of advertising, amounting to over 2 minutes of footage per game that could’ve been spent elsewhere. D+, advisable to get the remote elsewhere.”
Forget about routine poker games. Despite his ability to notice every read or giveaway, his inability to hold this in ruins the game for everyone else:
“Look at those slightly curved eyebrows, rapid toe taps, quick bite of the lip. Just a flat out bust as a bluffer. The guy’s holding nothing. You’re spine would have to be in the basement to not make this call.”
Thus, Mel lives a lonely life, passing from each cafe and restaurant to gather Yelp review material and feeding the ducks on Wednesdays.
Unless, of course, he’s busy swiping…
Sex Life
Already a tough tale to stomach, here’s where things really turn dark.
Indeed, Mel is married to a wonderfully committed Kim Kiper. Given her husband can’t use an ATM card, has never written a check, and is generally incapable of human functioning beyond evaluating, she pretty much runs everything at Mel Kiper Enterprises. From e-mails, to negotiations, to wiping Mel’s hairy (and gelled) ass, Kim is the definition of a right-hand woman.
But she couldn’t take the sex reviews any longer.
At first, she welcomed the Sex Grades. Found them endearing, even. But after stagnating at a B+ for over a year, and with little willingness on Mel’s end to switch up his routine, she reached a breaking point.
While still in love, the bedroom turmoil had become too much. Thus, the two mutually agreed on opening up the relationship — everything would remain the same, but they’d be allowed to try new partners.
A monster was released from his cage. Mel had found a whole new realm to review.
Only just recently did Mel begin using a cell phone, and the rumored reason was to join Tinder. “Cast a bigger reviewing net, reel in a greater talent pool,” one anonymous source quoted Mel.
While plenty of fake Kiper Tinder accounts exist, recognizing the real one is easy:
“Evades baldness and graying through impeccable follicle maintenance. Adept at paying for entire meals and sharing glasses of fine reds. Solidly average 5 inches can both punish and soothe. Soft “dad-bod” maximizes cuddling in between sex and film sessions.”
And so like a lunatic he swipes. Swiping, film, swiping, swiping, film.
All to collect reviews in his little black book. An anonymous source managed to rip a few pages out for the world to see:
February 22nd, 2016:
“Tremendous child-birthing hips create solid torque up-and-down the shaft. Positional flexibility a question mark, as she grades out far higher from behind than missionary. Average experimentation upside, likely willing to try anal.”
March 16th, 2016:
“Untapped ceiling. Willing to do whatever’s requested with tongue and fingers. Smaller frame leaves doubt she’ll withstand consistent volume; more servicable as an explosive third-down option.”
February 9th, 2016:
“Big. Thick. Takes a pounding and then some. A true workhorse who can withstand and deliver blows. A bit droopy in the arms and too much forward lean during reverse cowgirl, but overall a consistent, franchise type.”
The Aftermath
Beer cans and Canadian Mist Whiskey bottles are littered alongside empty hair gel containers on his shitty apartment floor. No longer allowed to sleep at home, the immense loneliness has driven Mel hard to the bottle.
What began as a mere “Assessing Addiction” has served as a gateway into far more crippling disorders.
Sex, drugs, alcohol — the man is a mess, and the cycle is vicious.
Similar to Fat Bastard, Kiper’s lonely because he bashes others, and bashes others because he’s lonely, and there’s no end in sight. Rumors run rampant that Todd McShay and Mike Maycock are seizing the moment, feeding Mel booze and whores as the train continues ripping off the tracks.
Over the past 3-4 years he’s proven capable of pulling life together for the 5 days he matters to the world. Who knows if his liver can sustain another 360 days of this. Until he seeks serious help, we’ve been left with only one option…
#PrayForMel
