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Week 2 Rankings:         Top-20 Quarterbacks   1 ) Tom Brady (NE)   2 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB)   3 ) Matt Ryan (ATL)   4 ) Drew Brees (NO)   5 ) Derek Carr (OAK)   6 ) Jameis Winston (TB)   7 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN)   8 ) Cam Newton (CAR)   9 ) Philip Rivers (LAC)   10 ) Matthew Stafford (DET)   11 ) Russell Wilson (SEA)   12 ) Ben Roethlisberger (PIT)   13 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS)   14 ) Tyrod Taylor (BUF)   15 ) Alex Smith (KC)   16 ) Carson Wentz (DAL)   17 ) Dak Prescott (DAL)   18 ) Jay Cutler (MIA)   19 ) Carson Palmer (ARI)   20 ) Joe Flacco (BAL)   Top-40 Running Backs   1 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT)   2 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF)   3 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL)   4 ) Kareem Hunt (KC)   5 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC)   6 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA)   7 ) Ty Montgomery (GB)   8 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN)   9 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL)   10 ) Todd Gurley (LAR)   11 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK)   12 ) Mike Gillislee (NE)   13 ) Leonard Fournette (JAC)   14 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN)   15 ) Jordan Howard (CHI)   16 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR)   17 ) Jacquizz Rodgers (TB)   18 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE)   19 ) CJ Anderson (DEN)   20 ) Tarik Cohen (CHI)   21 ) Lamar Miller (HOU)   22 ) Mark Ingram (NO)   23 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ)   24 ) James White (NE)   25 ) Terrance West (BAL)   26 ) Jonathan Stewart (CAR)   27 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL)   28 ) Javorious Allen (BAL)   29 ) Thomas Rawls (SEA)   30 ) Carlos Hyde (SF)   31 ) Kerwynn Williams (ARI)   32 ) Robert Kelley (WAS)   33 ) Theo Riddick (DET)   34 ) LeGarrette Blount (PHI)   35 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET)   36 ) Alvin Kamara (NO)   37 ) Joe Mixon (CIN)   38 ) Jeremy Hill (CIN)   39 ) Adrian Peterson (NO)   40 ) Frank Gore (IND)   Top-50 Wide Receivers   1 ) Julio Jones (ATL)   2 ) Jordy Nelson (GB)   3 ) Mike Evans (TB)   4 ) Antonio Brown (PIT)   5 ) Amari Cooper (OAK)   6 ) Brandin Cooks (NE)   7 ) AJ Green (CIN)   8 ) Odell Beckham Jr. (NYG)   9 ) Keenan Allen (LAC)   10 ) Michael Thomas (NO)   11 ) Tyreek Hill (KC)   12 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA)   13 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU)   14 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI)   15 ) Demaryius Thomas (DEN)   16 ) Golden Tate (DET)   17 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN)   18 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK)   19 ) Dez Bryant (DAL)   20 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT)   21 ) Davante Adams (GB)   22 ) Devante Parker (MIA)   23 ) Kelvin Benjamin (CAR)   24 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS)   25 ) Jeremy Maclin (BAL)   26 ) Adam Thielen (MIN)   27 ) Randall Cobb (GB)   28 ) DeSean Jackson (TB)   29 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI)   30 ) Danny Amendola (NE)   31 ) Cooper Kupp (LAR)   32 ) Sammy Watkins (LAR)   33 ) Tyrell Williams (LAC)   34 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA)   35 ) Corey Coleman (CLE)   36 ) Corey Davis (TEN)   37 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS)   38 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN)   39 ) Pierre Garcon (SF)   40 ) TY Hilton (IND)   41 ) Ted Ginn (IND)   42 ) Chris Hogan (NE)   43 ) Eric Decker (TEN)   44 ) John Brown (ARI)   45 ) Nelson Agholor (PHI)   46 ) Kenny Golladay (DET)   47 ) Allen Hurns (JAC)   48 ) Rishard Matthews (TEN)   49 ) Paul Richardson (SEA)   50 ) Brandon Marshall (NYG)   Top-20 Tight Ends   1 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE)   2 ) Zach Ertz (PHI)   3 ) Jordan Reed (WAS)   4 ) Greg Olsen (CAR)   5 ) Travis Kelce (KC)   6 ) Martellus Bennett (GB)   7 ) Delanie Walker (TEN)   8 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA)   9 ) Kyle Rudolph (MIN)   10 ) Charles Clay (BUF)   11 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN)   12 ) Jared Cook (OAK)   13 ) Austin Hooper (ATL)   14 ) Jason Witten (DAL)   15 ) Julius Thomas (MIA)   16 ) Hunter Henry (LAC)   17 ) Coby Fleener (NO)   18 ) Benjamin Watson (BAL)   19 ) Cameron Brate (TB)   20 ) Zach Miller (CHI)   Top-15 Defenses   1 ) Seattle   2 ) Arizona   3 ) Baltimore   4 ) Oakland   5 ) Carolina   6 ) Houston   7 ) Denver   8 ) Pittsburgh   9 ) Los Angeles Rams   10 ) Philadelphia   11 ) Cincinnati   12 ) Jacksonville   13 ) Kansas City   14 ) New York Giants   15 ) Tampa Bay   Top-15 Kickers   1 ) Justin Tucker (BAL)   2 ) Stephen Gostkowski (NE)   3 ) Matt Bryant (ATL)   4 ) Giorgio Tavecchio (OAK)   5 ) Will Lutz (NO)   6 ) Blair Walsh (SEA)   7 ) Dan Bailey (DAL)   8 ) Mason Crosby (GB)   9 ) Cairo Santos (KC)   10 ) Graham Gano (CAR)   11 ) Younghoe Koo (LAC)   12 ) Brandon McManus (DEN)   13 ) Matt Prater (DET)   14 ) Dustin Hopkins (WAS)   15 ) Chris Boswell (PIT)  

Fantasy Game of Thrones: Episode 4 Recap

In her jaw-dropping Episode 4 nude scene, Daenarys exploded onto the Fantasy Game of Thrones radar. Epic murdering and Tier 1 OSTT shoved last week’s bust label straight down The Wolf’s gullet.

Up until Melisandre’s liquified jugs dripped down her ancient frame, “The N” was always a welcome addition to the pregame labels. Now, it carries frightening implications.

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Gotta love when “The N” shows up pre-episode

Nonetheless, you’d have to imagine GoT wouldn’t force viewers into a second dance with Satan. Thus, as viewers patiently waited for the breasts to be revealed, sexy allure and anticipation filled the Westerosi air — just like the moments before Craigslist strippers arrive to the bachelor party. Unlike the disappointment that comes with underwhelming performers and the inevitable asshole bouncer, the tit unveiling literally blazed away all expectations x 10000.

While the pace and fantasy action still left a little to be desired, Episode 4 was far more emotionally charged and captivating than the week prior. And holy blazing hell that last scene was complete fire.🔥🔥

Let’s dive right in to our Fourth Edition of Fantasy Game of Thrones recaps. (Links to: Scoring SystemEpisode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3)

A Stark reunion at last

28 episodes — over 2 full seasons –have passed since two Stark’s were in the same room as another. S3EP09, Bran and Rickon’s final tear-jerker together, to be specific:

Thus, if you have a soul, it had to be brimming with warmth from Jon Snow and Sansa’s emphatic embrace. Torturous years have rendered Sansa remorseful for the way she used to treat Jon, and unlike his former Black Brothers, Lord Snow is quick to hand out forgiveness here.

Finally, at long last, a moment of joy for the Starks.

Given the show’s propensity for incest, the lone fantasy storyline early on was whether or not the playful giggling and lingering stares would lead to a demented Sansa and Snow sex scene. Nonetheless, the eldest Stark daughter’s bright red, rock-frozen nips failed to claim Episode 4’s “N” card, and she continued her descent into full-out bust mode.

Until her closet alcoholism came into play. Unable to ease the mounting sexual tension between her and her bastard brother, Sansa requests Snow’s ale horn. While we never see Jon take a swig, Sansa gets in a hearty sip before coughing up the terrible tasting booze (+2).

Snow, meanwhile, gave owners a scare when he passionately exclaimed “I’m tired of fighting.” Continuing the running  Josh Gordon comparison, a disinterest in what he does best has threatened to render Snow’s limitless fantasy ceiling useless.

Yet, Melisandre reaffirms Longclaw won’t remain bloodfree for long when she titles Snow “The Prince that was promised.” Murder and sex seem like natural job descriptors for this role.

Speaking of The Red Woman, her fantasy value and life appear highly suspect post Week 1. Brienne’s devotion to Renly remained clear in their interaction, and icy vengeance burned through her cold stare and even more frigid words:

Without some miracle magic, Melisandre’s days appear numbered. Owners can only hope her old hag tits are melting the screen during her send off.

And the only character to rival Sam’s softness…

…is Robert  Arryn of the Vale. Didn’t miss a single thing about that little moon door fuck.

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Pure hatred.

True, little shit’s return brought Baelish into the fray and gave me mild hope for a drink or some sex. Yet, no matter how skilled Petyr may be at pulling strings, his fantasy game is all but useless in a scoring system that requires damage done on your own.

Still, Littlefinger did flash his masterful & manipulative marionette skills, toying with the Prince of the Vale to turn foes into allies in a matter of seconds. Posing a dangerous “cross swords” threat just seconds earlier, Lord Royce was reduced to an allegiance-swearing puddle through Baelish’s words.

Should scheming become a point source, then and only then will Baelish deserve serious GoTFantasy consideration. Yet, as currently scored, Baelish belongs on waivers in shallower leagues that allow moves, and is likely a lame duck in lineups everywhere else despite high screen time projections.

Daario swingin’ a big one

Tyrion boozed (+2). Slavery was debated and negotiated. Eunuch status was called out. All is well in Mereen.

Meanwhile, the burgeoning bromance between Jorah and Daario grew a little prickly as The Old Bear’s manhood was called out during their continued quest to save Daeny. Confirming his own sex upside, The Tyoshi Sellsword took some deserved stabs at The Old Bear’s withered love-making abilities, describing how difficult “the dragon” can be to ride:

Yet, amidst this tension, the two remain united in their goal to save Daeny, thus plowing forward into the land of Dothraki.

Here, we get our first penetration of Season 6. Shockingly, this took four episodes; however, given an unnamed Dothraki was our initial pumper, we all decided First Sex of Season remains in play.

Jorah and Daario are soon discovered by two natives, and the old man’s act as a wine merchant is weak. Even weaker are his fighting skills, which require the studly Daario to do all the dirty work. While Jorah’s busy eating ass and throwing sand (seriously? Nice pick J), the sellsword snaps necks and stabs chests, bailing his pathetic comrade out. (+4 for two kills, +3 for episode’s first)

Soon after The Mother of Dragons returns to the screen, still trapped in the temple and thus looking busty as ever. While on a walk with another young Khal widow, the Mother of Dragons is found by Jorah and Daario. She hints at some unforeseen upside, turning down Jorah’s offer to make a meager attempt at escape: “We can do more than that. And you’re going to help me.”

Still, no foreshadowing could’ve captured what was to come… Heart Eyes Emoji + Wet Drops Emoji.

 

King’s Landing: All talk, no points

The most vicious, yet stoic, of all the smellfungi in Westeros grabs Margery and tosses her at the feet of The High Sparrow.

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Smellfungus: an excessively faultfinding person. Synonyms rhyme with punt.

With The Queen completely vulnerable, the old man’s usual arrogant grin is even more brash, suggesting his cock flashing upside is as high as ever. Could he try to cop a BJ? Maybe plotting a vicious meat axe slap to the chin?

Neither. The anaconda sadly remained caged yet another week, and thus we get yet another tiring lecture about righteousness sans dick.

Still, there’s a reason The Sparrow exudes dong hanging upside. While he appears a shell of his former self, Old Third Leg provided a brief glimpse into the fantasy monster he was in his prime:

“Passed around the wine…passed around the women…” if only he could somehow regain his past form, this guy would instantly be an elite GoTFantasy talent. Despite being well past his prime, deep leaguers are still advised to hold or buy low for the guaranteed skin hammer showing — only so many admonishing speeches can be delivered without the mushroom stamp exclamation point.

Owners who drafted Loras Tyrell, hoping for an escape from the Black Cells and the consequent vengeance storyline, had to be crushed by his Season 6 debut. Once a renowned fighter and frequent bedder, the Knight of Flowers displayed Reek-levels of brokenness, and is thus reduced to waiver fodder in leagues allowing midseason transactions. Shame!

Meanwhile, in the least shocking development of the episode, Cersei talked. Jaime talked. Something something “bad mom”, something “forgiveness”, something something “we need vengeance”. All talk, no action.  Shame!

The only blabber of fantasy relevance was Cersei’s reminder of Margery’s upcoming walk of shame and  her soaring OSTT potential. Unfortunately, both Lady Olenna and Cersei agreed “this cannot happen.” Shame!

Who’s “The N?”

With only 10-15 minutes left, “The N”and the guaranteed fantasy points it carries remained unclaimed. Thus, the boob unveiling still kept GoT Fantasy owners on the edge of their seats:

  1. Theon deservedly gets verbally assaulted by his sister Yara (Asha in the books), who’s had larger balls than her brother even before he was chopped into a eunuch. Little to no immediate fantasy relevance came from this bashing, but Yara’s potential rise to the head of the Iron Islands holds some future weight for Lord Tires and fellow investors. Nonetheless, despite some subtle sexual tension between her and her dickless brother, Yara’s likely saggy fun bags were thankfully not the answer to our mysterious N question.

2. When Osha, wild by nature and historically unafraid to show skin, entered Ramsay’s chambers, “The N” seemed locked up. While willing N is always a possibility with the former wildling, Ramsay wouldn’t have any trouble ripping off that loose nightgown should she put up a fight. Stone. Cold. Lock.

Things got hot and heavy. Dirty talk. Aggressive making out. Requests for a bath. Groping.

The Tit Stop Watch was armed and ready. So what does GoT do?

Have Ramsay stab her in the jugular, leave her bleeding out on the floor, and peel his fruit with the bloody knife. (+2 for kill, +5 major character). Should’ve known.

3. We arrive at Castle Black, where our tit selection is limited: Sansa (ya right), Brienne (lolz), and Melisandre (please not again). Yet, Episode 4’s clock is ticking, so…

Through an aggressive, sexually charged stare at the Blonde Behemoth, Tormund immediately creates the unthinkable: Brienne OSTT upside. A forceful chomp into his sandwich only confirms Tormund’s intentions to chop down this redwood with his meaty buzzsaw.

Already an elite murderer, Brienne adding Sex and Nudity skill sets to her game would be aesthetically horrific but also send her GoT value to new heights. Imagine Adrian Peterson suddenly becoming Forte in the receiving game. Alas, this upside remains speculative, as she rejects Tormund’s early advances. You’d have to think her starved puss will cave soon though. First sex anyone? Upset of the year.

A sadistic letter from Ramsay eases the overwhelming sex tension, and keeps a likely flat chest covered for now. This brings our attention to Sansa, who, already picking up her booze game, may continue shaking off her bust label with a shocking skin show; we’ve definitely seen her fire carpet heating up since reuniting with Snow, whether through motivational speeches or lusty stares…

Nope. She does inspire and reestablish the enormous upside of Jon Snow, moving him to action as we begin preparing for #Snowbowl. Going to be EPIC. Episode 9 an entire hour devoted to this showdown, anyone?

Thus, at 53:44 seconds, this final scene must be our answer…

Daenery’s epic nude scene & massive fantasy night

Holyyyyy…

Trueborn Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, The Unburnt, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdom, Protector of the Realm, Queen of Meereen, Mhysa, The Queen Across the Sea, The Silver Queen, Khaleesi of the Dothraki, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms, Rhoynar, First of Her Name & Mother of Dragons

…TITS!

I’ve never been so happy to eat fantasy crow in my life.

Just one week ago I was fully aboard and pumping steam into the Daenarys Bust express. Now, she’s flipped me over and is heaving it hard into me, and I’m gladly absorbing.

After Emilia Clarke announced she was done with The N post Season 3 finale, her sumptuous melons came as the most pleasant of shocks and completely altered the landscape of virtual Westeros. This wasn’t a mere flash either; we’re talking a 30 carry, 200 yard, 3 TD type of OSTT.

In arguably the greatest make up call of all time, HBO is instantly redeemed for Episode 1’s previous breast nightmare. Let’s break down the scoring of a truly epic scene.

The Dothraki men are holding their typical brofest party, discussing the different ways to slay men on the battlefield and wenches in the bedroom as Daeny enters.

They belittle Daeny, but she remains unphased, confidently remembering Khal Drogo while declaring they are “small men, none fit to lead the Dothraki.”

“But I am. So I will,” she declares.

The Dothraki bros get a solid chuckle out of Daenarys’ boldness, before announcing her new fate. Instead of returning to the Dosh Khaleen alongside the other widows…

 

As lovely as this sounds, Khaleesi has other plans. “You will not serve me. You will die.”

Cue shit going down.

Daeny tips over some torches and sets the room ablaze. Bros run for the doors, but they’ve been locked. Thus, 15 Dothraki bodies singe to a brutal death and notch The Breaker of Chains 30 rapid points.

Amidst the searing flesh and crumbling structure, Daeny’s powers as The Unburnt keep her unharmed. Her clothes, however, weren’t so fortunate.

Let the eye candy and fantasy point feasting begin.

Herds of Dothraki commoners gather and mourn around the burning temple, all assuming no survivors exist among this conflagration. Yet, at 58:56, we see movement from inside, a frame approaching the doorway. Not three seconds later, a curvy and seemingly naked woman emerges, but remains engulfed in flame and thus nips have not yet become visible.

That all changes 10 seconds later. At 59:06, her mammillas are clear and larger than I remember (certainly not a detrimental size though). The camera lingers for three seconds (+3) before panning away to a distant shot where only her outline remains visible.

Stunned, frightened, and horny, the people fall to their knees at the feet of their naked Queen. At  59:35, the lovely orbs return in all their glory for another three second burst (+3). Eyes wide, mouths drooling, Jorah and Daario strut fully erect to get front row seats to the beautiful bosom tour.

We are treated to thirds at 59:46, and Daney’s nips more poignant here than  in any previous angle. The glimpse is briefer, lasting only two seconds, but damn was it glorious (+2). At 59:53, frontal nudity reappears a fourth time, with more waist and hip to emphasize Daney’s lusciousness for three more seconds in heaven (+3). Just when you think the tits are gone…

FEED. HER. THE. ROCK.

Viewers are #blessed to a fifth serving of delicious breast. Beginning at 1:00:06, the camera slowly pans upward for five seconds until the nipples are officially covered (+5).

Thus ends the most glorious OSTT in non-porn TV history. Simply epic, a historic 46 fantasy points were netted in less than five minutes.

Episode 4 Scoring Summary

Daenerys = +46 (30 murder, 16 OSTT)

Ramsay = + 7 (1 murder, 1 major character kill)

Daario = +7 (2 murders, 1 first episode kill)

Tyrion = +2 (1 drink, obviously)

Sansa = +2 (1 drink)

RSJ Expert Standings

  1. Lord Tires = 47 points
  2. Grabbeth My Sandsnake = 42 points
  3. King Beyond The Wall = 35 points
  4. Sailor J’s Bastards = 23 points
  5. Wolf of Westeros = 18 points
  6. The Great White Stark = 2 points

Lord Tires remains in first after Daario’s solid Week 4, but Grabbeth My Sandsnake got the miracle he needed and shoots up to second. The King Beyond the Wall remains scoreless for a third straight week, yet his epic Week 1 keeps him in third.  Another major character kill from Ramsay propels Sailor J into fourth, while a lineup of limp dicks outside of Tyrion and Sansa’s meager boozing has Wolf buried in fifth. This proves better than The Great White Stark, who’s still netted only 2 points on the Season. Abysmal. Drogon’s inevitable slayfest might be a little too late at this point, and GoT’s inexcusable misuse of Bronn is really hindering this squad.

Keep it posted on the RSJ for a fantasy forecast of Episode 5. Until then… Valar Morghulis.

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