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Fantasy Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 5 Recap

If Episode 4 & Daeny’s fun bags filled us with hope, horniness, and hunger for redemption, then Episode 5 slammed us face first into harsh realities and sobering destinies. Despite depressing moments, the final showdown between the Walkers and The Children provided some solid fantasy scoring and refreshed an episode that otherwise leaned too heavily on the dialogue. Yet, this was a week filled with dreaded bench points and little starting production. The Commodore makes his rip-roaring RSJ debut with a breakdown of all the action.

 

Kill him..kill him…

Sansa showing us her fur and leather is exactly how I want to kick off a Sunday of GOT. After giving Jon a present to solidify their sibling blood ties, the eldest Stark daughter then travels to meet with her former caretaker Littlefinger.

No matter how well he pulls the strings, the squirrelly puppetmaster withers before the fiery ginger. Sansa delivers an absolute verbal pillaging to Petyr while revealing the torturous treatment she withstood from Ramsay.

After explaining the lingering pains she feels all over her tortured body, the young fire bush makes an interesting, if not ill-advised, play; Sansa turns down Petyr’s offer for support and banishes the brothel keeper, thus dismissing powerful military support from the Knights of the Vale. Thus, a potential balance-shifting half of an Eifel Tower with Jon Snow  has been lost for the time being. 

However, more is lost in indecision than wrong decision: Brienne or Sansa owners hoping for some major character and vengeance kill points were left with swelling blue balls. Despite suggestive questions — i.e. “What if I want you dead?” — Sansa continues a generally useless fantasy campaign, letting Baelish free & unharmed. Thus, Sansa owner’s loads remain painfully held in.

Not to be overlooked are the references to The Blackfish, Sansa’s uncle. Davos has a keen eye for talent, and he mentions the man as a legend. As a potential monster that could throw wrench into the kill and boozing score charts, The Black fish is well worth a speculative add if you’re leagues allow midseason pickups.

Overall, those in the colder climates are gearing up for an orgy of human devastation and will surely pile bodies before the end of the season.

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While no fantasy points are awarded for verbal thrashings, Sansa deservedly gives it to Baelish hard to begin Episode 5

 

The Dreaded Bench Points

In Braavos, Arya witnesses the biggest accumulation of bench points thus far in GOT fantasy. Some really top notch nipples and a one eyed, hooded monster were all on screen for the backstage acting troupe enjoying each other’s assets and alcohol after a performance. Tough to watch backups rack up points when such consistent drunks and fornicators like the Lannisters have been in a horrid dry spell.

Furthermore, we remain in fantasy purgatory and our boredom grows as we await Arya’s full return to the field.  Owners have to be hoping she’ll tell the Faceless Men to fuck off, go rogue, and seriously fuck shit up. Not as much of a threat boozing or schmoozing,  Arya will need this type of full murder clearance to pay dividends for investors.

Savvy owners will see the buy-low potential: amidst her insistence she is no one, Arya’s hit list remains family engraved in her mind, as does her fierce loyalty to her family name. With the wars to come, Arya has massive murder upside should she shake the grasp of her death cult.

So this is a Kingsmoot…

 Before we make our way to the Iron Islands, we see the creation of the first White Walker. Strange.

When we finally arrive…What a fucking disappointment, this Kingsmoot crap. With the Iron Born a society structured entirely around rape and pillage, fantasy enthusiasts had to expect some murder, random fucking, at least some boozing. 

Nope. Instead, succession is decided through a session of weak shit talking. 

Theon at long last seemed to re-sprout a cock, pumping up his deserving sister… Until Euron Greyjoy enters and flexes his dick EVERYWHERE.

Euron continued to flash why he’s a lock first rounder in midseason drafts. For every response Yara and Theon presented, he whipped out his massive hogan and crumbled them into pebbles, rallying the Iron Born to chant his name. Moreover, his first order as the new king, once he vomited out all the salt water from his drowning, showed his thirst for blood: “Where are my niece and nephew? Let’s go murder them.”

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While a fantasy monster does indeed appear born, this entire Kingsmoot was highly underwhelming. I was #TeamGreyjoy since Euron came into the picture but they will have to start seriously making others pay the Iron Price for me to take them seriously from here out.

Is Jorah truly this useless?

 

A sentimental scene in Vaes Dothrak leaves Khaleesi without her Day 1 in Jorah the Andal. After saving her life for the second time last week, here The Old Bear reveals he has Gray Scale. With no amount of moisturizer or Truvada enough to save him, Jorah’s already useless fantasy campaign grows even more dire. Could the man truly pass away netting nothing but negative death points for his investors?

Unlikely.

Jorah has proven time and again that nothing matters more to him than serving or pumping his Queen. If there’s some sort of old school condom that’ll allow insertion without STDs, you best believe the Old Bear will find it. We saw the way Khaleesi longingly stared at Jorah and his aging wood as he left. One last ride before he heads into the sunset would be epic. At the very least, there’s no way he dies without a major sacrificical kill or 10 first. 

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Jorah’s Greyscale threatens to bring an already useless fantasy campaign into negative territory…#PrayForMormont

Mysterious sorcery shockingly yields no OSTT

We return to Mereen, and obviously the scene opens with Tyrion pouring a drink and housing a solid swig (+2) to kick off Episode 5’s fantasy scoring. He’s already netted 20 points strictly on boozing alone, once again proving his Antonio  Brown comparison was spot on: the floors are incredible. Still, murder and sex have surprisingly been untapped by The Midge, and we still await that true season-swinging performance.

After some typical chatter about the balance between peace and slavery, we set eyes on a saucy seductress standing before Tyrion and Varys. As their discussion rattles on, it is evident the most powerful entity in the hall is whatever she has holding back her plump sweater cows which are just begging to be released from their cloth keep.

For the few seconds viewers can ignore the voluptuous fun bags before us, she reveals to us that the Lord of Light is a pretty sick fuck who watched Varys lose his frank and beans when he was a kid. The eunuch was beyond rattled when the new red priestess displayed her omniscient sorcery and revealed to him his darkest secret. Along with the sadistic side that red priestesses seem to possess, she could have some serious upside in sex magic in a season that is in desperate need of porking. Unless Daario and his swinging man mushroom get back to Mereen anytime soon, however, the odds are against Tyrion giving the red lady the dwarf dick.

Massive Upside of Tormund & Brienne

As Castle Black plunges deeper into the cold winter, scenes between Tormund and Brienne are heating up. Our strong but silent stud is just itching to show our fair Lady from Tarth how they kill time north of the wall but so far she is playing hard to get. Now that Sansa has dispatched them to recruit an army from her uncle at Riverrun viewers can expect some steamy sword play.

Both represent huge upside as we know the highways in Westeros are filled to the brim with fuck bois ripe for carnage. Jon departing leaves Edd as the Night’s Watch resident Big Dick Bandit, but with the focus coming off Castle Black, his opportunities to end lives on screen diminish greatly. The looming battles against the Boltons, Others, and wildling raiders give him chances to maim but no guarantees they will be witnessed.

White Walker King’s debut heats up the fantasy action

Though the fantasy action had been limited to Tyrion’s alcoholism this entire episode, everyone knew the scoring was going to heat up when The White Walker King showed up. Oh, with an army of about 10,000 wights.

With this terrifying army at their Weirwood door, The Children start launching flames and impact 0 fantasy rosters when they net Episode 5’s first kill and continuing the bench point narrative. After touching Bran in yet another weird vision, The King Beyond the Wall remains completely unphased, unharmed, and seemingly indestructible. When he just stepped over the Children’s defensive flames and gave a smug, “what the fuck you think dis is” type of grin… gasping ghost out of mouth emoji.

The fantasy action really picks up once the Weirwood tree was penetrated. Meera comes through in the clutch with a solid pair of kills (+4), including a white walker, solidifying her status as a late round steal on the upswing. As Bran’s main protector in the perilous world beyond the wall, Meera has as much upside as any female in the fantasy game. With the shallowness of vag talent, Howland Reed’s daughter deserves late first, early second consideration in midseason drafts.

Back to the action, the White Walkers definitely win the night. They eliminate countless of their creators, the Children, and the King notches a major character kill by eliminating a living God in the Three-Eyed Raven. With this type of power and a thirst for Bran’s blood, the Undead King’s ceiling is limitless. Moreover, his fantasy narrative plays well with Meera’s ascension, as the more walkers and wights she eliminates, the greater his murdering workload becomes. The Wolf is grinning ear-to-ear with both talents locked up on his roster.

Yet, no one can be smiling at the ending of this episode. Westeros lost one of it’s largest hogs, and fans lost their favorite oaf, as we saw Hodor sacrifice himself and get torn limb-by-limb to “Hold the Door” against the entourage of wights so that Bran could escape. Time, fate, and control all are now major question marks in this storyline, and viewers are surely intrigued to where this wormhole may lead us.

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Even more confusing, however, is HBOs decision to leave so many points on the bench.  Cameo kills and nudity out the ass from every corner of the GOT universe, lets get the real stars in on this action please.

The previews tease with shots of a Tyrell army in King’s Landing so we can only speculate the sheer destruction awaiting us in the second half of the season. Sex and drinking will precede and cap off the killing because there is nothing better to stave off battle induced anxiety than getting blackout drunk and shooting joy juice all over the place.

Scoring Summary

  • Tyrion = +2 (drinking, of course)
  • Meera = +4 (2 kills)
  • White Walker King (+7 major character kill)
  • Random actors (+3 for dong, +15 for OSTT)

Deeper league consideration

  • Hodor and Three Eyed Raven (-5 for death)

 

The RSJ Expert League Standings

 

  1. Lord Tires = 47 points
  2. Grabbeth My Sandsnake = 42 points
  3. King Beyond the Wall = 35 points
  4. Wolf of Westeros = 33 points
  5. Sailor J’s Bastards = 23 points
  6. Great White Stark = 2 points

Finally, some signs life from The Wolf of Westeros’ roster outside Tyrion. With his squad netting the only 13 points of the night, Wolf jumps Sailor J into fourth place and is now breathing down the still-stagnant King Beyond the Wall’s neck. The Great White Stark continues his disgraceful descent into the depths of fantasy hell. What an embarassment of a team. Everyone else remains in contention, as each roster drips with potential Daenarys Week 4 explosions given the looming battles ahead.

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