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Fantasy Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 6 Recap
- Updated: June 1, 2016
Its almost as if the writers over at HBO wanted to troll Fantasy Game of Thrones leagues and us at the Roto Street Journal with Episode 6. What a fucking disappointment. Here’s to hoping most of America got their tip wet on this gorgeous Memorial Day weekend because Lord knows GOT is going to fuck you in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy of giving you a reach around. At least it was Fleet Week in NYC and some of those shipboard boys went balls deep, because this week in Westeros was an alltime stinker in terms of debauchery and homicide. You have to expect any episode with Sam as the main storyline to be a snoozefest low on entertainment and high on softness, but there were several scenes that gave us blue balls so bad that even the Night’s King would cringe.
COLDHANDS, COLD COCK?
The night starts off hot with Meera and Bran escaping the Wights thanks to the fiery mace wielded by a masked rider later revealed to be the longlost Benjen Stark. Bran’s uncle scores a quick six kills, including the episode’s first, before he sheaths his flame engulfed ball which would be a convenient symbol for the viewer’s collective loins; red-hot and ready to slay but then quickly and painfully extinguished.
While Bran has lost any feeling in his three legs, Benjen brings a healthy dose of Undead Dick into the equation. While he has had the Others’ magic reversed through plunging dragon glass into his heart, will Meera need her own life saving procedure after taking Benjen’s girthy zombie meat? As it is with GOT, one answer only brings more questions.
The only certainty? Benjen clearly deserves Waiver Priority #1 in all leagues allowing pickups.
LORD TARLY RAISED A TWAT
Another despicably soft Samwell Tarly scene reminds us all of an awkward dinner when you bring a whorish girl home to family dinner; this one, however, came with a splash of potential patricide.
Sam is warmly greeted by his sister and mother, a shocking MILF given the fat fuck she produced. The scene quickly turns cold, however, as Downty Soft is verbally eviscerated by his father at dinner. The head of House Tarly unleashes on Sam as if an alcoholic, washed up high school athlete father who, despite his noblest attempts, is unable to live his dreams through an embarrassment of a son.
However, Lord Tarly is far from down. He turns the hate up a notch once he found out Gilly’s background, reacting like a dad from Mississippi who’s just discovered his son is a Muslim power bottom that simultaneously campaigns for Bernie Sanders.
Gilly tries to stand up for the Sam, but he’s more interested in staring off into the distance while emotionally eating away his softness. The way he stuffs that doughball face, the Reach will soon be in a famine. So unbelievably pathetic.
We can only imagine the legendary hate-fuck Lord Tarly unleashes on his poor wife as a release of the stress and frustration built up after seeing his pitiful pussy son is unchanged.
With this bordering on 20 minutes of airtime for the softest fatass in Westeros, the audience shares the elder Tarly’s frustration. As night falls, however, Sam seems to find half a sack and steal his ancestral sword, Heartsbane, while daring his father to come and take it from him. My money is on his father, but with a sword called Heartsbane, Sam might as well have turned into a fucking Jedi. Most owners can’t stomach the thought of this blubbering mess taking up a roster spot, but a vengeance kill could be in order and gives him speculatory pick-up status in the deepest of leagues.
FUCK THE CULT, SAVE THE COUG
Finally, the Arya plot in Braavos seems like its concluded, but not before opening a few more doors. The second MILF sighting of the night makes the audience ache for a pair of well-aged jubblies to be freed, but we are again denied any satisfaction. A connection made backstage between the would-be assassin Arya and the older actress solidifies Arya’s independence instead of a pawn of the Faceless Men.
At fucking last. Anyone with an appropriate number of chromosomes could’ve seen this switch coming the second she buried Needle instead of throwing it into the bay. After slapping the poison out of the actress’s hand, Arya now has the most dangerous killers in the world after her.
Nonetheless, the script for some steamy salvation sex may have just been written. True, this is a complete Hail Mary, but both Arya and this actress understand life on the road is lonely. Perhaps the inexcusable Season 6 sex drought will be broken with the actress catching up with her savior and scissoring the night away. Those middle aged jugs are teasing the audience with every chub-inducing cleavage shot, and after a week of sack swelling, the audience deserves a treat for sticking with this drawn out bullshit.
OLD MAN AND THE C WORDS
Walder Frey is the most universally unlikable character on the show. He is a pedolphile, kinslayer, miser, frontrunner, probably has a ton of liver spots and definitely smells like death. And you can only imagine the pure disgust that fills his young wives whenever he tries to push rope. Ramsay is a Hall of Fame level evil genius, but his desires can be blamed on the fact that hes an aspiring bastard from a House known for torture. Frey is just a genuine fuckmunch.
But with the Blackfish back in power, his bargaining chip of Lord Edmure comes in handy to counter the would-be war. With Rickon and the high ranking Tully both in custody, the North has its balls in a bit of a pinch going into the back half of the season. Not sure if either are going to make it and whats even more disappointing is the show might lose credibility if they do survive. They’re in the hands of the biggest douche lords in the seven kingdoms; there has to be some new fucked up way of dying they have to debut.
TO SHAME OR NOT TO SHAME
Meanwhile in King’s Landing, every facet of our animal instincts is raging to be released. We see a Tyrell army readying to deep dick the Faith Militant before a naked Margaery can be forced to walk her perky tits and juicy ass across town. Jaime trots out between the drawn weapons of the adversarial armies fully anticipating to unclog the High Sparrow’s dirt star with his meat plunger.
Keeping with the theme of blue balls this week, his baby back bitch of a son Tommen comes out revealing the Faith and the Crown have united.
The High Sparrow has now gone full al-Baghadadi; establishing his theocracy through his puppet Tommen who now has the old man’s hand further up his ass than Margaery’s when she milked his prostate. The Audubon Army now has a firm control of King’s Landing and has the heads of both houses wondering who has the most viscous load on their face. While we got about 10,000 Smug Sparrow Grins, the easy assumption was the leviathan would finally be hung. Unfortunately, this is an episode for the darkest hue of blue balls, and shockingly, we go another week without the elder rod.
JAIME STIRS CERSEI’S POT
As much as no one will admit it, by the time we were alone with the two Lannister sibling,s everyone wanted to see them bump uglies for the rest of the episode. Never thought I’d be praying for incestuous fuck buddies to unleash genetic material on each other but this Sunday night has given me the blue balls of a TV lifetime.
By now, we’ve all surely attempted to quell the Episode 6 pain with a few pornhub visits. Thus, we can “proudly” admit we did not want the camera to linger a second longer as it captured the two making out and surely moving into some heavy petting.
Nonetheless, we were all clearly rooting for some sort of fantasy point arousal and the end of this embarrassing sex drought, even if it made us root for incest.
Finishing up the week in the capital of the Dothraki Horde, Khaleesi put on another show for her khalasar. She briefly disappears, before reemerging on the back of Drogon to proclaim her egalitarian aspiriations from his back — obviously the most powerful way to exhibit her giant, estrogen filled clitoris. She can do anything a man can do and more.
While explaining her goals of conquering Westeros with every Dothraki, every balloon knot across the sea puckered like it never has before. Daeny is gearing up for a butt fucking of epic proportions and shes not bringing any lube. The real question is whether or not Drogon or Daeny will be the one racking up all the fantasy points.
Unless you somehow owned Benjen Stark… no points were awarded. None. Zero. Nada. Historically embarrassing.
The worst part is how many goal line fumbles we had:
- Meera looked set up for a killfest with countless wights in pursuit…nope
- A passionate Jamie and Cersei makeout leads to…nothing
- Arya about to deliver a poison kill after all these rehab hours…nah
- Jamie and the Tyrell army finally preparing to rip The Sparrow limb by limb… lolz
Needless to say, Episode 6 has left our balls heavy and swollen. With Drogon’s return to the field, a freed Arya, and rage-filled Lannisters, we can only hope Episode 6 was a set up for a volcanic Episode 7 explosion.