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The Bachelorette Episode 3 Fantasy Recap

The buzz around the web this week leading into The Bachelorette Episode 3 (billed as a 2 part “event”) of The Bachelorette has all surrounded Chad, the unabashed lunatic currently hoping to win Jo Jo Fletcher’s heart. Is it possible, given all that hype, that Chad (and the largely forgettable rest of the cast) will fail to live up to expectations? Not bloody likely.

Again, if you want to catch up on past recaps, check them out here:

The Bachelorette Episode 2 – Fantasy Recap

The Bachelorette Episode 1 – Fantasy Recap

Instead of the usual shot of Jo Jo thinking deeply about the totally normal situation she finds herself in to start the episode, we are treated to a nice visual of the house that the men are staying in. It is a disaster. There are plates of Chad’s leftover meat littered all over the place. It is not a pretty sight, and there does not seem to be a maid coming any time soon.

Evan is disappointed that Chad is still around after his antics last week—as if Chad is the one barrier between Evan and a future life with Jo Jo. Not the fact that he is only able to converse about erectile dysfunction, not the fact that at 33 he is ancient by Bachelorette standards, not that there are at least 16 guys left in the house better looking than him—it seems he thinks Chad is his only obstacle.

Chad and Daniel have a conversation about working out. Chad expresses interest in doing pull ups with his body weight strapped to him. He also mentions wanting to feel his tendons somehow. Then he is sitting on the couch drinking a glass of what looks like Scope, but is more likely liquid testosterone spiked with uncut cocaine—you know, just a little something to get him right in the morning after a long night of wolfing down plate after plate of meat.

Chris Harrison, who couldn’t hold Jeff Probst’s jock strap, seems to be phoning it in more and more these days. He shows up and tells them the format of the show and leaves a date card, rushing out in a hurry. The card is for Chase (scoring him 3 fantasy points), who had not yet had any time with Jo Jo. The date card reads “let’s get physical.” Shockingly, Chad is not happy that he did not receive this date.

1st One on One Date

Jo Jo is waiting for Chase on the street. They greet each other and Jo Jo announces that they are doing some kind of intimate yoga for their date. Both Jo Jo and Chase are yoga rookies, so they do not really have anything to compare this session to—but my wife assures me what followed did not resemble any yoga that she is aware of.

The yoga instructor gets on her back and starts writhing around and grunting. Crazy music plays as this happens. Jo Jo and Chase exchange awkward looks and try to do what the instructor is doing. Then the instructor starts screaming and wringing her hands. She sounds like the woman in Up In Smoke who snorts a huge rail of Ajax with Tommy Chong.

Jo Jo announces that she is so embarrassed she “wants to die”, which is never what you want to hear the hot woman you are trying to nail say on your first date. Chase, to his credit, responds by being well chiseled and dripping with sweat which Jo Jo seems to enjoy. The escaped mental patient yoga instructor tells them they’re going to do something called like a yip yab, which means Jo Jo is going to mount Chase as if they were having sex in the seated position. After a few minutes of staring at each other in this position, they make out. Chase enjoys getting to the next level with Jo Jo, and all his fantasy owners rejoice as he racks up a few more points.

At night they chat, and it’s fairly boring. Chase does share with her that he’s the child of divorce and marriage is forever to him. Blah, blah, blah. Jo Jo asks him if he is comfortable with the process he is going through to find his future wife. He basically says yes, but he is not super convincing. My wife makes a point of telling me that Chase is hot. Somewhere along the line Chase gets a rose because he’s a child of divorce, so of course he gets a rose.

But wait, there’s more! What could possibly cap off a date that has already featured yoga taught by a possible schizophrenic? What A-list musical act are they going to bring out for an awkward concert? Paul McCartney? Pit Bull? Rebecca Black? Close, but you’re all way off. Get ready for… an evening with Charles Kelley!!! That’s right, the Charles Kelley. They could have brought any random guy in and given him any generic name and I would have been equally blown away. I have no idea who this guy is, but they seem to—although they could have been pretending. They kiss kind of tentatively as he serenades them, but you can’t really blame them for seeming a little uncomfortable because it’s not every day a star the magnitude of Charles Kelley is watching you swap spit on a reality TV dating show.

Back at the House

Back at the house, Chad and Daniel (but mainly Chad) pump a little iron. Evan is leering at them kind of through the bushes like a huge creep as he makes snarky comments.

Meanwhile the other guys await the next date card, which figures to be a group date. Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Nick, Evan, Alex, Vinny, and Chad are selected to go on this massive date.

Things kind of escalate quickly here much to our collective delight. Chad says he is NOT happy to be a part of this date. He says he doesn’t want to go—that 12 guys is just too many. He says he’d rather wait for a 1 on 1. Jordan kind of unexpectedly grows some balls and asks Chad if he really thinks Jo Jo would want to spend a whole day with him. Chad says yes.

It starts getting really chippy as the guys tell him to cross his name off the card if he doesn’t want to go. A lot of guys are jumping in, and eventually Evan asks if anyone has a Sharpie. Chad, sensing that the biggest wuss in the room is essentially going after him, immediately tells Evan to stop talking. Evan does what the biggest wuss in the room would always do in that situation which is follow Chad’s directions and shuts up.

Jordan then makes some comment that Chad decides means he’s being called stupid.

“Are you insinuating that I’m stupid?!” Chad barks, using the biggest word he can think of and by chance happening to use it in the correct context.

Chad then tells Jordan he is a failure—a 27 year old who has done nothing but throw a piece of leather unsuccessfully his whole life. Jordan laughs it off, but one would imagine this bothered him—mainly because of its total accuracy.

Alex and Chad then exchange words and call each other pussies (among other things).   Alex tells Chad that he’s scared. Chad kind of puts a blanket challenge out to the room asking if anyone “wants to go,” which I am pretty sure is Meathead for “would anyone care to engage in physical combat to the death?” No one takes him up on it, but it is now completely out there how much they all hate him. The feeling is BEYOND mutual.

Group Date

The next day, as they are about to leave for the date, Alex confides to the camera that he is looking forward to going on a date with 10 other guys, a beautiful woman, and a douchebag—although he doesn’t name the douchebag so we are left to wonder. The fellas are split up in 2 limos that take them to the group date. The guys in the limo that Chad is not in spend most of the trip talking about how they’re glad Chad is on the date, because he is sure to do something crazy and be exposed as a card carrying psychopath to Jo Jo. They don’t really show any of the action from Chad’s limo, but I would guess the guys in that limo spend the ride huddled together in one of the corners for safety while Chad eats cured meats and mutters incoherently.

Jo Jo greets them. She looks pretty normal, but the guys fall over themselves talking about how great she looks. All she tells them is that they are “going to a show.” So mysterious.

They all sit in the audience of a small auditorium and a woman comes out. At first she starts making sounds like she’s choking, but pretty soon it becomes obvious that she is making orgasm sounds. Uncomfortable music plays over the scene and Vinny, who will probably regret this particular edit, announces to the camera that he has never heard a woman make a sound like that.

It turns out they are at a storytelling show called Sex Talks. The guys are all going to have to tell sex stories. Personally, I thought this was a great idea, but Chad looks angry at the prospect of having to do this. Evan tells the camera that he thinks his extensive background studying erectile dysfunction gives him a decided edge in this competition for some reason.

Backstage, a small woman who seems to be the moderator talks to some of the guys. Chad looks like he wants to punch her and rants privately about how he doesn’t want to tell a story. Chad says Jo Jo hasn’t earned hearing him tell a story yet.

Daniel drinks some wine. At one point he is asked what his favorite bodily fluid is, to which he replies “poo.” Daniel tells Chad to join him and drink some booze.

Meanwhile, Evan tells Alex that he is planning on blowing up Chad in his story. Alex encourages Evan to do this despite knowing full well that this decision will likely lead to Evan’s untimely death.

Grant goes first. He tells a pretty good story about getting caught having sex by the cops when he was 16 and getting arrested wearing nothing but a condom.

We only see quick snippets of most of the other guys. Nick B. is doing something oral sex-like with his tongue, Jordan talks about the need to “fluff up” a flaccid penis, and all of a sudden Vinny is in his underwear on stage.

In the few seconds we get to see him, Daniel talks about tying a girl up and then debating about whether to cut off a lock of her hair. This both identifies him as a bona fide potential serial killer and makes me desperate to buy the director’s cut of this show so I can hear the rest of the story.

Wells tells a story that involves farting and a threesome that also left me wanting a little more.

Evan gets up there and after letting the crowd know he is an erectile dysfunction expert—something that he seems to have convinced himself people love about him—he starts going on about the dangers of using steroids. Chad stares daggers through him as Evan continues to make not so subtle digs at him.   He is soooo pissed. Grant, who hates Chad like everyone else, admits that no one will be surprised when Chad knocks Evan out for this.

The confrontation comes quickly. As Evan goes back to his seat, there is a scuffle as Chad gets physical with him. Chad then takes the stage, but the mood is tense now. Chad calls Jo Jo to the stage and tells her they don’t know anything about him. Then in an attempt to mark his territory he goes to kiss her kind of like when he stalked her before the last cocktail party, but she turns away in a pretty embarrassing public rejection. He tells no story. The crowd boos.

Already a roided out lunatic, Chad is now foaming at the mouth with rage over the combination of being punked by Professor Limpdick and getting the Heisman from Jo Jo. He puts his finger in Evan’s face and pushes him.   Somewhere in the process Evan’s shirt gets ripped and Chad’s knuckles get bloody—I think from punching a door maybe. Daniel actually tries to jump to Evan’s defense and sounds REALLY Canadian in the process. Chad listens for a few seconds and then yells that if he can’t lift weights he’s gonna murder someone. He then storms out, cocking his fist back at Evan and making him flinch as he leaves.

Now they are sitting around chatting. Jo Jo says it’s a nice way to relax, but after that outburst the only thing relaxed in that room is Evan’s penis.

Jordan, who was quiet last week after a huge Episode 1, tries to “be vulnerable” around her. It comes off as pretty lame but it results in her making out with him, which is certainly what he was hoping to achieve.

A few more guys have some time with Jo Jo. Then as Nick B. settles in to talk to her, Chad shows up. Jo Jo makes him leave, telling him they just got started. He leaves but is clearly mad. He sits just out of sight making noise and whistling like a maniac. This makes Jo Jo actually leave the area with Nick B. She really seems to be getting fed up with Chad’s antics.

Now Vinny calls Chad out for messing with Evan. Chad makes a lot of excuses and then says that Evan tried to push him. This is literally an insane thing to say, as Evan would be a solid 10 to 1 underdog in Vegas against Chad even if he had a loaded gun—and I mean an actual firearm, not a working dick. Chad says he never starts anything with people and that he only defends himself.

In front of everyone, Evan asks Chad why he’s here. He says he owes him an apology and a shirt, which evidently Chad ripped. Chad says Evan is trying to bully him and tells him to leave him alone. Evan is flabbergasted by this, as well he should be. Then, Chad says almost casually to the camera that Evan can die.

Now Chad is sipping whiskey aggressively. He calls the group of guys a “parade of losers”. As Christian chats it up with Jo Jo, Chad strolls by just behind them smirking. He does the same thing as she is talking to Grant, and then announces that Grant looks like he is on Sponge Bob.

As Jo Jo is having her sit down time with Chad, Evan walks up and cuts in. Chad, who has been making a big thing about how Evan has been the aggressor in their feud, has no choice but to let him do it since Jo Jo is right there. He does curse as he leaves, however, and says Evan looks like the alien from the 5th Element. I don’t know what he’s talking about, but I am dying to see an alien from a movie in the late 90’s that looks like Evan.

Evan tells Jo Jo if Chad stays, he won’t.

One wouldn’t think that the scrawny ED expert with the greasy looking hair and sleazy goatee would be in any position to give a woman the caliber of Jo Jo an ultimatum about anything, but this conversation leads to Evan getting the group date rose, much to my (and the world’s) shock. He even gets a quick kiss from her, although she was almost certainly picturing Ben Higgins when she did it. Either way, pure SHOCK about this decision by Jo Jo.

pure shock.gif

When they walk back in together, Chad is outraged. He raises his eyebrows at her and then stares her down, forcing her to stop talking and ask if he is OK. He asks her if she is for real with this right now. She tells him she is and to stop being disrespectful. He cuts her off and then Grant tells him to stop interrupting her. Evan looks on resembling the dog in my favorite Far Side cartoon who is in a boat with a bunch of guys that have just drawn straws to see who gets eaten. The dog in the cartoon looks dignified but smug, as he has managed to avoid being eaten this round somehow.

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See what I mean?

 

As they ride off on a bus together after the date, Chad repeatedly crushes a plastic water bottle in his hands as if it were Evan’s neck.

Back at the House 

Derek tells Wells that he literally does not feel safe sleeping in the same room as Chad. Luke says he thinks Chad’s behavior has become really unsafe. Reminiscent of when those kids summon Mary Poppins because they need a nanny, all of a sudden there is this dumpy guy with a secret service ear piece on, wearing shorts and a shirt that says “SECURITY” really big across the back strolling around the house pretending like he is watching everyone, but really just watching Chad.

As Daniel and Chad have their daily Mensa meeting out on the patio, the security guard walks right by them slowly. This really pisses Chad off. This security guard is clearly for show, as he would have no chance at all of subduing Chad if he really goes nuts.

James Taylor is notified that he will be getting the 1 on 1 date with Jo Jo.

1 on 1 Date #2

For their 1 on 1 date, Jo Jo and James are dressed kind of like they’re in the 50s or something. They arrive at some indistinct looking building and there are old people dancing in it—it looks like they’re going to be given some swing dancing lessons.

James Taylor has a little bit of a Harry Connick, Jr. vibe going on—my wife says if you took away 50% of Harry Connick Jr.’s singing talent and 100% of his sex appeal, you’d have James Taylor. High praise indeed from a woman who is not easy to impress.

After some uneventful swing dancing, they talk at night. Jo Jo, as she loves to do, mentions her last appearance on the Bachelor and how hurt she was by Ben. James Taylor comforts her and then really forces it telling her about how he was teased as a kid. To keep him from turning into a total blubbering idiot, Jo Jo gives him a rose to shut him up. Then James really throws everyone a curveball by whipping out his guitar and playing her a mediocre song as a mediocre love theme plays in the distance.

Back at the House

It is now nighttime. Daniel and Chad are once again discussing the state of things. Chad is eating a sweet potato like you or I would eat an apple—just taking bites out of it as he holds it in his hand like a wild ape would do. Daniel is telling him that a lot of the guys think he’s an animal—a loose cannon, even.

Daniel chooses his words carefully, attempting to explain things to Chad in a basic, delicate, yet effective way that won’t offend him at all:

“Let’s say you’re Hitler,” Daniel begins, after much deliberation.

For some reason, Chad (who never seems to be able to relax) bristles at the notion of being compared to a man responsible for 60 million deaths and a mass genocide. Eventually, Daniel dials it back a little and compares him to former Italian fascist leader Benito Mussolini. Chad glares at him with murderous fury, but seems to accept it because the security guard (who is now wearing a bright, glow in the dark vest) walks by.

The next morning, Chad is pumping iron again. Daniel is watching him closely like a loyal member of the SS would watch over Hitler. Chris Harrison makes an appearance and announces there will be no cocktail party… because instead there will be an all day pool party!!!! A few of the guys make the obligatory “can’t wait to see her in a bikini” comments. Chad mutters about not even wanting anyone to see her in a bikini because he can imagine what she looks like so he doesn’t need to see it.

Evan then does some major league snitching (which loses him 3 fantasy points) and asks to speak with Chris Harrison alone. He basically tells him Chad pushed him and ripped his shirt. Chris tells Evan he takes this very seriously.

After they talk, he calls Chad out and tells him there have been reports of violence and that “several guys fear for their safety”. Chad tells Chris all he has done is stand up for himself and that Evan tried to push him. Then he throws in that there is no way he could have brought steroids here—which to me is 100% confirmation that he is a very committed steroid user. Chris asks Chad if any of these incidents have been because of him or if they have all been other people. Chad says they have all been other people. Chris, in what is likely to be the most woefully ineffective disciplinary move in history, tells Chad to go settle things with the guys in a way that will be well received by the other guys and then just leaves.

https://twitter.com/RotoStreetJ/status/740002862848184321

Chad goes in and seems like he is pissed. He says he would like to “cut off all of their arms and legs and then throw all their torsos in the pool”. Obviously this is an alarming thing to express—and not just because a swimming pool filled with human torsos would destroy the property value of the Bachelorette mansion, either.

And then we see the 3 most dreaded words in reality TV:

to be continued…

Fantasy scoring updates after the next episode post coming tomorrow!  

–The Truth

 

 

 

 

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