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The Bachelorette Episode 4 Fantasy Recap

We get started right off the bat with Chad following Chris Harrison’s vague instructions to “make things right” with the other guys in the house. He basically comes in and talks in circles for a minute and then tells Evan that now they have resolved their differences.

Evan is not having any of it and he informs Chad that he owes him not only an apology, but also a new shirt to replace the one Chad ripped. This is like the 3rd time Evan has brought up this ripped shirt, so I am assuming it was a really nice shirt. Chad starts to scoff at the notion that he would do that, but then tells Evan he will give him 20 bucks—which I would all but guarantee is an empty promise. Chad refuses to apologize because he is really sticking to the narrative that Evan pushed him. Wells, who looks like a small child across the room from Chad, chimes in and tries to explain to Chad why people are not comfortable right now. Then James Taylor tries to lay out some ground rules to keep the peace at least for the time being.

The ground rules are pretty much as follows (listed below in alphabetical order):

  1. Everyone stay away from Chad

Chad grudgingly agrees to those terms. He leaves the room without slipping Evan the 20 spot he owes him.

Jo Jo shows up and everyone starts pooling it up. Everyone is having a good time—James F. (who I, and I would imagine Jo Jo also, had forgotten was on the show) adds to the levity of the situation by jumping into the pool wearing a suit and tie. The guys do a fun synchronized pool jump and somehow Evan ends up with a nosebleed. Jo Jo jokingly blames Chad, who was nowhere near the incident. Chad says Evan bleeds just thinking about him, but it really seems like Evan is just one of those guys who gets nosebleeds all the time.

Jordan finds Jo Jo and they kiss a little. He rubs her leg which seems to be his go-to move, emulating Ben Higgins, who was also a big leg rubber. They make out (scoring 3 fantasy points), which is how many of Jordan’s scenes seem to be ending these days.

Jo Jo, possibly feeling a little insecure after having only made out with like 5 guys in the last day or 2, chats with Robby and makes out with him in passing.

She mentions that everyone is getting along—even Chad. The evidence for this is sparse, however, and demonstrates how low the bar has been set. It is more a brief absence of threats and violence than a true spirit of camaraderie.

Jo Jo and Chad talk a little. She calls him out for his behavior after Evan got the rose. He says he can explain—that he and Evan are total opposites, so if she likes Evan how can she possibly like him? Does she like ice cream or steak, he asks. (He is the steak)  Then Evan comes and cuts in, kind of alpha dogging Chad—which is hilarious. Chad is not pleased with this at all, but he leaves. He angrily gets in a giant, white inflatable swan and floats away in the pool, fuming.

Now Derek is talking to Jo Jo. She asks him about the vibe around the house and he (honestly) tells her it’s not great. He mentions Chad being nuts and loses 3 fantasy points for snitching in the process. Also, Chad is kind of sneaking around behind them and hears it all.

Chad confronts Derek in a passive aggressive way inside, but Derek doesn’t really take the bait. This was not the result Chad was looking for. He goes outside and punches the living shit out of an inflatable pink flamingo that as far as I can tell hadn’t done a thing to deserve that sort of treatment.

Then Chad, still seeking satisfaction, demands that Derek join him outside. Derek for some reason goes to shake his hand, which is an odd thing to do when addressing someone you know wants to fight you. Chad declines this disingenuous gesture of goodwill. He tells Derek he’s sorry if a guy like him (a psychotic juicehead, I assume he means) stole his girlfriend back in the day, but he needs to shut up and stop talking about him. Chad asks Derek if he is afraid, as Grant listens in secretly. He is like the 4th or 5th guy Chad has asked if he is afraid since the start of the season, which is likely a record that will never be broken. Derek tells him casually that yes he’s afraid because Chad is highly volatile and unpredictable.

Chad then asks Derek if how he acts is any of his business. Derek, who is carrying himself pretty well in this interaction, says yeah it is because he cares about Jo Jo. Chad tells him mockingly that he probably watched every episode she was on last year. Derek responds, “of course I did. Why wouldn’t you?” Check and mate for Derek.

Chad responds that he couldn’t watch because he works, which I totally feel him on. Who has time to watch a TV show the woman you hope to marry is on when you have a full daily schedule of lifting weights, eating assorted meats, and adamantly denying obvious steroid abuse?

The inflatable animal that Chad assaulted earlier is shown ominously on its side—the first casualty of a man whose only crime is being too real for watered down American reality television. And also constant threats of murder.

Cocktail Party

We hit the cocktail party with a lot of episode left. Grant, Derek, Jordan, and Luke get unsurprising roses. They are followed by Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel, Alex… and Chad. It is really likely the producers made her do this—she seems to have trouble even saying his name.

These choices send Christian, Ali, and Nick B. home. Nick B., who may have been better served had he remained in the Santa Claus suit all season, is especially irritated by his elimination coupled with Chad continuing on. It will haunt him for the rest of his life that he never got to tell Jo Jo that Chad was there for the wrong reasons.

Jo Jo tells them all they need to pack their bags because they are leaving the mansion for a new, exciting (but undisclosed) location. Everyone is thrilled except for Chad, who looks mad because this will likely cut him off from the free lunch meat supply that he has grown accustomed to.

Unnamed Exotic Location

We see Jo Jo flying in what looks like a Wright Brothers era plane for some reason. They appear to be staying in some wilderness lodge out in the deep woods. We see a dogsled racing team trot by and some other cool wildlife. It seems like the Bachelorette cast has been flown to Alaska, right? Not too shabby, but completely wrong. My wife googled the resort and it’s in fucking Pennsylvania.

1 on 1 Date

At some point, Luke receives the 1 on 1 date card. They travel by dog sled into the woods and there is a hot tub waiting for them out in the middle of nowhere. Of course this hot tub won’t heat itself, so Jo Jo demands that Luke, who looks like Vanilla Ice, chop some firewood for her like he’s her bitch—which he kind of is.

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Collaborate and listen

They get into the hot tub together and it is super hot but they get over it. Then they make out, which is to be expected. Then they tell each other how amazing the other one is for a few minutes, which they are contractually obligated to do. They talk about how nice the location is frequently, but are careful NEVER to mention the actual name of the location because Pennsylvania doesn’t sound sexy at all. Jo Jo then feeds Luke a strawberry the size of a small dog.

Later at night they are eating dinner, and it’s kind of boring. She tells Luke he is relaxed which is true; he seems like he may have been shot with a tranquilizer dart at some point during the date. Then he talks about serving in Afghanistan and some good friend of his dying in action over there. She is now putty in his rugged, masculine, but surprisingly tender hands. They make out and she presents Luke with the most obvious rose ever presented.

But wait… she has one more surprise for him!

I start to pinch myself, thinking there is no way that I am a lucky enough man to see megastar Charles Kelley two times in the same number of nights. She takes him to this theater and as they enter there is a crowd waiting and they give them a raucous ovation. Then Luke and Jo Jo do what any typical, red-blooded couple would do when entering a venue filled with strangers—they get up on the stage and begin to make out in front of the crowd.

Then music starts to play, and a band comes out. Evidently Charles Kelley had other plans, but don’t fret—the stream of A-list talent just keeps on pouring in. Music sensations Dan + Shay start playing a concert. You know, Dan + Shay? Well anyway, the crowd that was clearly paid to fill this small theater and cheer for these guys gets to watch the show with their view completely obstructed by Jo Jo and Luke who are standing in the middle of the stage in front of the band making out. This could not be more awkward.

Back at the Wilderness Lodge

Back at the lodge, they keep showing Chad kind of lounging around and then a huge bear roaming around in the woods. He says it’s not smart to “poke the Chad-Bear”. He references that time he hit the door and says if it were someone’s head it would have exploded, which reminds me of when the Mountain crushed that guy’s skull on Game of Thrones.

The next group date card comes. Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby are selected to go on the group date. Chad and Alex do not get called. Clearly the first 2 on 1 date of the season is looming on the horizon.

Alex proclaims this to be a good versus evil situation. Chad declares that it is a grown man going up against an angry child. Jordan announces that Alex is an actual hero and that this date is “for America”. Chad closes the scene out by saying the only way to get someone like Alex to respect you is to get physical.

Group Date

In what might as well be an open confession by the producers that the Bachelorette’s budget has been slashed repeatedly in recent years, the setting for this episode’s group date is in beautiful… Pittsburgh! And why not? Who hasn’t fantasized about winning a woman’s heart in an old, run-down, gritty, Pennsylvania steel town?

In fairness, for a lot of guys this would have been a cool date. They go to Heinz field, home of the Steelers. The men are introduced to quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who has successfully led his team to 2 Super Bowl victories as well as successfully defended himself against 2 sexual assault allegations. So he’s a busy guy. He brings out a couple former Steelers to put the contestants through the paces. Meanwhile, he feigns interest in Jo Jo’s feelings about the guys for a while and then retires to the stands where he eats Cheetos and watches them flail around on the field like a bunch of spastic school children.

Jordan is trying to show off by throwing hard passes to people. Vinny refers to himself a couple times in the 3rd person. James Taylor gets bloodied up somehow and then gets fitted with a huge head bandage like a guy who was wounded by shrapnel in World War 1 but he continues to participate.

It is announced that they will be playing a football game on the field. The winning team will get to spend the evening with Jo Jo, while the losing team will return to the hotel. Jordan is named the all time quarterback, so I guess he wins no matter what—assuming he prefers going out to dinner with a woman he likes and 5 other men who are also dating her over calling it an early night and jerking off in a nice hotel. It doesn’t seem like a totally clear-cut choice to me, but I digress…

The game is a close one. A few highlights are Evan looking hilarious in football gear, Evan talking about his passion for the game, Wells making a couple nice catches at first, and Jordan talking about how he’s “picking guys apart”. Evan gets a bloody nose AGAIN and tries unsuccessfully to hide it from Jo Jo. Derek, whose stock has really seemed to go up lately, strips the ball from Wells on the final play of the game with the score tied and runs it back for a touchdown. Wells knows he blew it and seems like he might cry after the game.

Robby takes her aside and gets a little of a love theme as they talk. He tells her he is hoping for that 1 on 1 with her soon. He says to the camera that he is falling in love with her. Then he props her up on a pool table and they make out fiercely. She says Robby is a man. In other news, cars have wheels.

She steals a quick make out session with Derek just to keep everyone off balance before taking Jordan aside and telling him she’d like him to be more open. Then to really drive the point home that she’s serious, she makes out with him in front of a fountain. Understandably, plenty of guys think they have a shot at the group date rose now, but then she gives it to Jordan. Robby is disappointed.

Back at the Lodge

Back at the lodge, it is a tense scene. Luke, Chad, and Alex are home. Luke is calmly talking to Chad, asking him what his problem is basically. Chad says he’s just real. Luke tells him he seems really angry. There is open hostility between Alex and Chad.  Eventually the losing football team returns home and breaks a little of the tension just because they are so pathetic in defeat.

Finally, the official 2 on 1 date card comes for Alex and Chad. It says “let’s get lost” and then says something about two of them going into the woods and only one of them coming out, which is probably how Chad would spend every day if he could find enough victims. I am assuming there will be weapons hidden inside tree trunks and tiger pits will be dug before the date to make it more interesting.

Luke asks Chad if he ends up going home, what reason would he think it would be for. Chad tells him it’s a stupid question, which it is. Grant then says something unflattering but fairly minor about Chad while Daniel looks on, grinning like an idiot. Chad, breaking character, flies into a rage and asks who has a problem with him. Pretty much everyone but maybe Wells and Daniel raise their hands. Chad points to them one by one and tells them all not to talk to him. Chad tells them all not to “ask him advice” anymore, although to be fair I haven’t seen anyone seeking out Chad’s wise counsel at any point throughout this process.   I suppose it is possible that every time they’re off camera, the guys are looking for advice from Chad–I just haven’t seen it.

Grant smirks at Chad, unimpressed. Alex says they are polar opposites. Chad says Alex is a whiny little bitch (which is kind of true). Alex tells him he is the most insecure person there (which is also true). Chad then counters with his go-to line and asks Alex if he wants to go outside right now. Daniel (who you have to check out if you re-watch this scene) giggles like a teenager as he watches the testosterone level get ramped up, knowing that he will cut a lock of hair from the loser of the upcoming fight’s head once they are unconscious.

Grant then gets in it against Chad. He calls him a coward, Chad asks him if he wants to go outside. Grant says, and I quote: “Let’s go.” Chad does not move, staying inside. Then Wells jumps in and tries to be the voice of reason. It seems like a 10 year old trying to facilitate a discussion between out of control rhinos. Chad walks away, and Grant calls him a coward again. Chad yells for him to come outside again as he leaves, but he is in the process of fleeing when he does it so it doesn’t seem as tough as any of his past threats.

2 on 1 Date

Alex and Chad come down the stairs with their suitcases packed. Evan says he could see Chad coming back in what could be an ominous bit of foreshadowing.

The guys are chatting before the date and Chad lurks in the doorway. Jordan asks him if he wants to join the conversation and Chad says no. Jordan says something like “I figured”. Chad points menacingly and responds to this in what is BY FAR my favorite quote of the season, and may well be the best monologue in the history of television.  Here it is:

“Jordan… you think this a show. And you think you’re safe… for now. But one day this ends. And when this ends, you go home. And when you go home, you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house? I’m dead fucking serious.”

Jordan kind of laughs it off and asks him if he thinks he is scared of him.

Chad answers him, “I think you should be.”

Jordan says “OK tough guy,” as Chad walks away. “Please come find me.”

Jordan laughs it off, but this has to make him just a LITTLE uncomfortable. This is the first guy I am aware of who has explicitly stated that he will, after the conclusion of the show, track down another contestant, come to his home, and kill him. Jordan says Chad has mental issues, which is like saying Billy Zane’s character in Titanic was kind of a dick.

The guys are all sitting around on the couches and Chad comes in and sits away from them but just stares at them. There is a LONG awkward silence. A helicopter in the distance breaks the silence and the 2 combatants leave. Alex and Chad are now in a helicopter with each other, which seems inherently unsafe.

They show up and she gives each of them a backpack and they take a hike. They sit REALLY awkwardly on a blanket by a river for a while in total silence before Jo Jo asks Alex to come and talk to her.

Chad says to the camera that if Alex just talks about himself, things will be fine for him. Conversely, however, he says that if Alex is talking about him, he will be “taking Alex’s teeth”. And it sounds like he means forcibly.

Alex and Jo Jo sit and talk. It seems like all Jo Jo wants to talk about is Chad, which is fine with Alex because that’s his favorite subject by far. He decides to take the 3-point fantasy deduction (again) and tells her Chad threatened to come to Jordan’s house after the show and beat his ass just this morning. She says she “is confused” by this, although it was a pretty specific story.

When she talks to Chad, she talks about how he seems so sweet and sensitive around her, but then she confronts him about his behavior around people because she has warned him to cut it out. He says he “has not touched anybody” since the last time they talked, which means for maybe 2 days. He neglects to mention punching the flamingo in the pool.

She asks if he has threatened people with any violence. He pauses and then says that is “not 100% false”. Then she directly confronts him on the Jordan threats and he won’t really admit to exactly what he said, but says maybe he said something he shouldn’t have. He then justifies it by saying Jordan was pressuring him so he really had no choice. He tells Jo Jo that if she has a better way (than physical violence) to deal with someone you don’t like, he would love to hear it. She says she needs to go think. Chad throws a cup in anger that clatters down onto the rocks below.

As Chad walks back to where they first all sat on the blanket, he says he warned Alex, but Alex didn’t listen, so now he has only one option—presumably homicide. Alex is sitting there on the blanket and Chad comes back down through the woods, whistling like a psycho. He sits next to Alex and says he is not happy with him. Then he says he’s not mad—he’s more disappointed. Chad casually informs him that Alex is lucky he can’t hurt him without getting in trouble right now. They are sitting RIGHT next to each other.

Jo Jo comes back and sits between them. She tells Chad it is not OK to threaten people and she is upset because she gave him a second chance. With that said, she gives Alex the rose in what has to be the most lukewarm endorsement of a guy who won a 2 on 1 date I have ever seen. Chad walks off into the woods as Alex and Jo Jo hug. He speculates that maybe he is “being pranked” with this result.

As Jo Jo and Alex go to a cabin and drink wine, a camera stays with Chad as he staggers through the woods, seemingly disoriented. Day turns to night and Chad is still just out in the woods, wandering around.

Back at the House

Back at the house, some guy comes and retrieves Chad’s suitcase. Just like that, the party is on. The guys start drinking tequila and rejoicing about how they’re so happy they’ll never have to deal with Chad again. Truly, there is nothing more to worry about for any of these guys—smooth sailing from here on in. It is hard to imagine anything that could bring the mood of the place down.

We see Chad walk up and knock on a door. After hours of hiking, he has found his way back to the lodge. The guys inside are shocked to learn that he is outside. Evan looks like he is going to have a heart attack, but is probably at least a little glad because he still hasn’t collected for the shirt Chad ripped. Chad scrapes his fingers slowly down the glass on the door as he waits to be let back in.

If you listen closely, you can hear a coyote’s mournful howl in the distance.

Once again, those dreaded words scroll across the screen:

to be continued…

And… we have to wait 2 more weeks.

FANTASY SCORING BREAKDOWN

Alex –   -4 (tons of snitching, 3 points for the season so far

Ali – 0 (rejected—ended season with 4 points)

Chad – 8 (left in the woods, still on the show??   15 points total)

Chase – 15 (huge episode 3—17 points total)

Christian – 0 (sent packing—ended season with 4 points)

Daniel – 2 (9 points total)

Derek – 5 (lost some points for snitching, but has 9 points for the season)

Evan – 5 (amazed he is still around)

Grant – 2 (should have gotten points by agreeing to fight Chad, has 9 points for the season)

James F. – 2 (constantly forgetting he is on the show; 6 for the season)

James Taylor – 4 (strong showing but lost points for an over the top deep confession; 13 points total so far)

Jordan – 11 (strong comeback after a quiet episode 2; 29 points total and is the league leader individually)

Luke – 5 (solid week; 19 points total)

Nick B. – 0 (eliminated—ended season with 7 points)

Robby – 8 (strong week, has quietly scored 12 points for the season)

Vinny – 2 (6 points overall)

Wells – 2 (13 points overall

 

Try to find something productive to do in the next 2 weeks; I’ll be back with a recap of Episode 5 after the next show.

–The Truth

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