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Fantasy Game of Thrones: Episode 8 Recap

Fantasy scoring came roaring back to GOT this past week with some gruesome kills and heavy boozing, and the scoring action promises to only get better over the next two weeks. However, off screen and minor character kills remain an issue for the show as the Blackfish and Lady Crane all go down without yielding points. True, Arya did notch some major character kill points (decided by a whopping 93% vote on our twitter) for finishing The Waif; however, we still didn’t get to see the actual slicing and dicing of that voracious hoe. Let’s dive into the action for our Episode 8 recap.

NEED HEADING ABOUT TOO MUCH TALK

Even with the kills returning, the week was still mostly filled with chatty Kathys. Jamie and Brienne; Pod and Bronn; the Hound and the Brothers; and Jamie and Edmure all gab endlessly about their various motivations and missions. In a special scene, Bronn reunites with Pod and immediately asks about his magical cock. He then postulates Brienne is getting tag teamed by Jamie and the young squire. Absolute travesty that Bronn has been in only two episodes so far this season, not only for those burned with the early round investment but for all viewers for the gem lines he regularly serves up. As necessary as these conversations and sequences are to the show, they do not produce fantasy points, so we direct our attention and ink elsewhere.

Making Mems in Mereen

God, Tyrion truly is my spirit animal. Does he ever stop boozing? While Season 6 has already highlighted Tyrion’s Antonio Brown type of floor, Episode 8 was where we really saw the ceiling. As in, a 15 target, 11 catch, 160 yard and a TD type of day.

We open the scene at 28:46 with Tyrion lowering a glass of booze from his lips, emphasizing the type of fantasy performance we will be getting (+2). Thankfully for Missandei investors , who had to be drafting strictly for the OSTT upside, Tyrion’s frat head type of peer pressure lands him a drinking buddy. With a cheers to his Queen, Tyrion manages to convince both Missandei and the typically one-dimensional, Alfred Morris type of talent in Greyworm to sip on some booze (+2 for all three).

Greyworm bows out of the drinking fun at this point, but Tyrion and Miss are just beginning. Displaying just how rampant his alcoholism has become, Tyrion takes another hefty swig (+2) as he discusses the Imp’s Delight, the wine he wishes to create only for his closest friends and something I’d like about 18 glasses of before Monday hits. He then resorts to some joking, but is forced into some more boozing at 31:28 as his joke falls flat (+2). During this joke, we saw a new ceiling emerging for Missandei, as she shows some true enjoyment for the wine and takes another swig herself (+2). With a lustful stare during this sip, thoughts of some drunk first sex had to be creeping into Imp and Miss investors’ minds.

The joking remains on the forefront, however, with Missandei grabbing the comedic mic. Tyrion swigs again as the lame tale unfolds (+2), while Missandei caps up her jocularly with another sip (+2).

Sex would appear to be a near guarantee with this heavy consumption, but alas some alarm bells end our drinking and hook up potential. Nonetheless, Tyrion has racked up 10 points, Missandei enters the scoring fray with 6 points, and Greyworm notches a shocking +2 for a sip.

The invading slavers open fire on the pyramid and cause dissention among Dany’s advisors. With Varys gone on diplomatic duties, the drinking buddies quarrel under the pressure of the impending storming of the pyramid. Given Drogon’s knack for timely arrivals, The Dragon Queen arrives just in time to restore order to her court and symbolize the upcoming massacre of the attacking Masters.

Brotherhood of Butt Stuff

The Hound registered some of the better homicides so far this season by showing no regard for his own well being while enacting his unique code of justice. After walking in on some interesting foreplay, Clegane avenged his new friends through decapitation, slicing a pair of carotids, and a little castration.

The Hound finds two more kills via hanging, these ones coming with a Vengeance bonus for the murdering of his rescuer to finish off Episode 7. Thus, The Hound shows his massive ceiling, boosting his murder points total to 23 (+10 for five kills, +3 for first kill, +10 for vengeqnxe) and confirming he is the David Johnson and ODell of 2016’s Fantasy Game of Thrones playoffs. He then swings dick over an old rival in Beric Dondarrion. The Man with Seven Lives convinces Sandor to join their squad, which should only net more kills for the disfigured savage. With the Hound now traveling north with the Brotherhood, this presents an explosive opportunity to reunite with Arya and Brienne and maybe rekindle an old flame between the two servants of the Lord of Light. It seems like Melisandre needs Thoros and his steaming man sword to keep her fire going in the frigid North.

Cersei Chooses Violence

When Cersei’s cousin and former fuck buddy Lancel comes calling for the High Sparrow, we witness another devastating display of the Mountain’s strength. Like a cat playing with its prey, the Mountain begins to asphyxiate the Faith Militant member before ripping his head off with his bare hands.

Her intelligence network through Qyburn and the unparalleled strength of the Mountain will provide an exciting finale in two weeks. Cersei finally squaring up with the High Sparrow resulted in the crown banning trials by combat and instituting trial by septons of the faith. However, as Jamie marches home with an army ready to swipe right on the first fight, it looks like they will skip the trials altogether.

Oh, and don’t think we missed that Cersei booze sip (+2) before all this action picked up. After a historic alcohol drought for the former Queen, owners had to be happy seeing her sneak a few sips in once again.

Arya Pops Some Poppy

All those clips of Arya staking out the play in Braavos paid huge dividends for her as Lady Crane nurses her back to health. Before Arya could repay her with some earth shaking scissoring, the Waif takes Lady Crane’s name for the Many Faced God. The Terminator -esque chase through the Braavosi markets that ensues results in the Waif’s face ending up on the wall of masks and Jaaqen Haagar seemingly releasing Arya from her assassin apprenticeship. No one is no longer no one, as Arya asserts her newfound fantasy ceiling as she makes the bold announcement “A girl’s name is Arya Stark and she is returning to Winterfell.”

Finally, the young Stark can return to Westeros to complete her hit list. The fact that Bran could disappear for a whole season but return with some of the best scenes from Season 6 makes Arya’s drawn out storyline look even weaker. Her Jedi training will prove invaluable to her fantasy skill set, similar to rising receivers visiting Larry Fitzgerald’s summer camp. Given how much screen time was dedicated to the Faceless Men, this guild must have a major role, perhaps in the fate of the White Walkers. Nonetheless, with her hit list still full, Arya’s storyline turn might indeed be the uncaging of a fantasy monster.

#BastardBowl

Next week should prove a major bloodbath in the North as #BastardBowl was confirmed in the latest trailer for Episode 9. Its an all star line up of combatants and should go down as the biggest battle in the series thus far and one of its seminal scenes. We can expect the entire episode to focus on the clash, so there will be some major league carnage. If your pants are not stained with a healthy dose of joy juice after seeing this trailer, than you need to seriously reevaluate your vitamin intake and GOT fandom. Ramsay smiling sadistically makes it seem like he has a trick up his sleeve and we would be naïve to think the battle will go without a hitch. But if the real battle is against the Night’s King undead hordes, #BastardBowl has to end with good guys coming out on top right? Not sure if I can handle another Sunday night watching Jon Snow taking another dirt nap.

The situations in Mereen and King’s Landing will feature some fireworks as well. Dany should be ready to unleash her coalition and lay waste to the vengeful Masters. Drogon flying in the background of her single scene is foreshadowing of the holocaust he is going to rain down on the former tormentors of Mereen’s people. The ships the slavers arrive on are a convenient plot device for Dany to incorporate into her ever growing military. Turmoil in the capital will not only destabilize King’s Landing but the entire country if there is a crisis of succession. Either way I think fantasy points will be scored in droves over the last two weeks spread across these three locations. Keep it locked in for all the action tallied and recapped.

SCORING SUMMARY

+23 for The Hound (five kills, first kill, two vengeance)
+2 for The Mountain (kill)
+10 for Tyrion (boozing)
+6 for Missandei (boozing)
+2 for Greyworm (boozing)
+2 for Cersei (boozing)

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