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The Bachelorette Episode 5 Fantasy Recap

When we last left the fearless men vying for the affection of the Bachelorette Jo Jo Fletcher, they were in a lodge deep in the woods of Pennsylvania. The remaining guys felt physically safe for the first time all season, as Chad, the resident house psychopath, had just been given his walking papers. As it turns out though, they don’t really tell you where to walk when given those papers, so instead of heading to a waiting vehicle, he kind of wandered off through the woods, whistling like a tea kettle boiling over with human growth hormone.

Faced with the prospect of a complete maniac, hell-bent on revenge, hiking back towards the other contestants who he had threatened to murder, the producers did the only thing legally in their power to do: Follow him at a safe distance and by God keep the cameras rolling.

As the episode begins, the guys are engaged in a full-scale party, celebrating Chad’s exit from the game/reality TV show/totally credible way to meet your future spouse. As they sprinkle the remains of Chad’s precious protein powder like ashes at a funeral, James Taylor strums a little acoustic guitar in the background. Wells raises his glass and refers to Chad as “arguably the worst person anyone here has ever met”.

Suddenly Chad emerges from the woods, still whistling one of his “it’s 50-50 whether you die tonight” tunes. He knocks on the door and someone peers out and tells them it’s Chad. I know people don’t listen to records anymore, but it would have been nice to have one going just so you could hear the needle scratching as everything came to a screeching halt.

The guys look like the way deer do for that second when they look up and wonder if there is any danger—you know, right before the hunter shoots them? Daniel, playing the role of the seldom mentioned 4th Little Pig who has suffered severe brain damage, immediately opens the door and invites the Big Bad Wolf inside. Evan worries he is back for his protein powder and will not be happy when he finds out it is gone. This does not seem to be a stretch.

They try to make small talk and ask how his date went. Chad says it went well, which is an odd response because usually the guy Jo Jo picks does not have to hike several miles back to the place they are staying, alone and in the dark—usually they at least get a ride.

Jordan makes a half assed attempt at peace, Chad basically tells them he has no regrets and his behavior is all of their faults.  Chad, in an effort to show them he is not aggressive, then pokes Jordan in the head multiple times. Then they shake hands and Chad squeezes his hand excessively hard. Evan takes this opportunity to ask Chad if he has his wallet, because he still owes him a shirt. Jordan ushers the other guys into the kitchen and Chad eventually leaves, whistling all the way.

Meanwhile, as their 1 on 1 date wraps up, Alex and Jo Jo make out, earning the l’il fella 3 fantasy points. The making out seems a little forced, but when Alex returns to the house he is hailed as a hero for vanquishing Chad and the celebration continues.

Ordinarily there is no place for commercials anywhere in this recap, but I simply would not be doing my job if I didn’t mention that at this point a commercial for Bachelor in Paradise comes on. During this commercial we see Chad eating meat in slow motion a bunch of times. His inclusion on that show is truly thrilling. Personally, I am wondering if that security guard from the mansion will be there from the outset, or if they will wait for the inevitable threats and violence to begin before they give him a call. With or without security, I assure you I will be watching.

Cocktail Party

The cocktail party begins with Jo Jo addressing the guys. She mentions in passing having her heart broken on last season’s show AGAIN. Given the frequency that she is bringing this up these days, it would probably be more efficient to just wear a sign on her chest that says “BEN DUMPED ME LAST SEASON”, since all the guys are looking at her chest all the time anyway.

After getting into a huge, inflatable ball with Chase—which is a very cool thing to just have lying around at a cocktail party—Jo Jo is stolen away by Robby. They proceed to have a MAJOR make out session (+3). Most of the other guys are watching this from inside.   Those who have not made out with her yet—and there are still a few—are noticeably rattled by this.

James F., who I had once again forgotten was on the show, tries to strengthen his bond with Jo Jo by reading her a poem. She cries when it is done, possibly because it was truly awful poetry. Alex, who kind of looks like a ventriloquist dummy when he is sitting down dressed in his little suit, cuts in to horn in on James F.’s time.

Daniel is rambling on about God knows what with her, but it seems like over the last couple episodes he is really making an effort to sound more and more Canadian. He is able to fend off Luke’s attempt to interrupt them once, but then allows Luke to take over, hugging her as they part company.

Luke talks to her and romantic music starts playing. His resemblance to Vanilla Ice is undeniable at this point though, and all I can hear is Ice, Ice Baby. He tells her some things to make her feel special, but all I can hear is “ditch that zero and get with a hero”. They make out (+3).

People start getting touchy about people interrupting. Now that Chad is not there to scare everyone, a lot of guys seem to be getting ballsier about stepping up to get noticed by Jo Jo. The term “mini-Chad” is coined, referring to guys who muscle in on other guys’ Jo Jo time. It remains to be seen if this will be sticky enough to remain in the lexicon after the show concludes in a few weeks.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, Jordan kind of throttles Jo Jo up against a wall and makes out with her loudly (+3). The rest of the guys are literally right on the other side of the wall and can hear it all.  It is an alpha dog move.

Rose Ceremony

 There are 13 guys left, and 3 of those guys (Jordan included) already have roses. Tension runs high—Jo Jo will only be giving out 8 roses so 2 guys will be leaving tonight. Getting dismissed from the show tonight will be worse than usual. Along with the expected heartache that comes from being dumped on national TV, there is also an element of danger this evening due to the possibility that Chad is still roaming the grounds somewhere.

Jo Jo says the rose ceremonies are getting “harder and harder”. This elicits a patented sleazy grin from Daniel.

Derek scores a 3 point bonus by getting his rose—the first of the episode. He is followed by Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James Taylor… and Evan. Each of them score 2 points. Evan, who went undrafted in the RSJ fantasy league for obvious reasons, officially has gone further in this game than literally anyone thought he would.

James F., whose abysmal poetry was not enough to save him, is dismissed. Daniel, who at this point might as well be wearing a Canadian flag as a cape, says “eh?” both to Jo Jo and to the rest of the guys as he says his good-byes.

On the way out, Daniel says that Jo Jo is obviously going for personality in a guy, and because his personality is shit, that must be why she is not interested in him.   He does note that his body is way better than anyone else in the house, and if it were about looks he “might still be there”. He also mentions that he is more experienced than all the other guys there combined, but at the end of the day the chances of Jo Jo falling for him were worse than if he got struck by lightning… while “shaving his face”. We’ll see you in Paradise, Daniel.

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Watch Daniel’s epic exit monologue here!

Jo Jo then tells the remaining guys that they are going international! As visions of Paris, Barcelona, and maybe Australia race through their minds, she announces they will be traveling to the South American version of Pittsburgh… Uruguay!!! My wife asks me how many of the guys in the room did I think had ever heard of Uruguay before that exact conversation. I estimated around 60%–and that’s even after losing Daniel, who would’ve probably thought it was some kind of sex position or at the very least would have made the connection that it kind of looks like it could say “you are gay” and had a good laugh about it.



Suddenly, we’re in Uruguay. The producers are kind enough to show us a map of a plane flying there, so everyone can say to themselves, “oh yeah, I did know where Uruguay was after all”, even though they are all lying to themselves.

We see Jo Jo walking sexily along the beach, seemingly lost in thought. Then we see her alone in her hotel room drinking coffee. She is holding the cup with two hands, and sipping it pensively—something I am pretty sure I have never seen anyone do who wasn’t on TV.

The guys are staying at a pimped out hotel with a 360 degree view of the beach. This is indeed an upgrade from the woods of Pennsylvania. Jordan makes a comment that the competition will be “stiff” from here on out, but since Daniel is gone, no one snickers or winks like a pervert about it.

The 1 on 1 date card comes in and Jordan is the lucky recipient (+2). Derek says he questions Jordan’s reasons for being there, and Vinny comes right out and says he’s “there for the wrong reasons” which is what everyone has been waiting for. Both of them lose 3 points for snitching, even if it was only to the camera.

Vinny is cutting Alex’s hair at the hotel, and the guys start passing around some tabloid about Jo Jo and her former boyfriend—who is named Chad, by the way. Evidently some of them don’t like what they are reading.

The group date card comes. Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James Taylor, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex will be going on the group date. This leaves Robby as the odd man out.

1 on 1 Date

Jo Jo and Jordan find themselves on a yacht. They pass the time by making out, earning Jordan 3 more fantasy points and giving him the distinction of being the first guy to collect those points twice in one episode. He will not be the last.

Later on, they are sitting at a table drinking wine. Jo Jo reveals that she met someone who used to date Jordan, and that she was told he was “not the best boyfriend, relationship-wise”. It seems to me that this is a really unfortunate part of being someone’s boyfriend to be bad at, but what do I know?

Anyway, she confronts him. His eyes get really big and you can tell his mind is racing through all the horrible things he did to this past girlfriend and trying to figure out which ones Jo Jo could possibly know about. You know—that moment when you know you’ve been blown up, but you don’t know to what extent so you don’t want to cop to more than you have to. Sure, you’ll own the cheating and maybe the excessive drinking—but you don’t want to admit to the time you got caught shoving a banana up your ass unless you absolutely have to.

Ultimately, Jordan does what any major douchebag would do in that situation: make a reference to something his pastor told him as a young boy. This makes me hate him immensely, as it is nothing more than a smokescreen.

“You hear that? I have a pastor. Let’s change the subject and enjoy the rest of our date.”

He says that he is NOT a cheater, but he has loads of tells. He swallows really hard as he says this—I wish I could play poker with that cheating pastor referencer; I’d clean him out.

Eventually they go dance as a mariachi bands plays for them. Talk of Jordan’s obvious past cheating while he was failing miserably as an NFL quarterback is forgotten for the time being.

Back at the Hotel

Desperate to generate action in Chad’s absence, one of the producers shows Jo Jo the tabloid the guys have been passing around. He tells her she should address it with them because “a lot of them have seen it.” I would put it at about 95% likelihood that the producers were the ones who showed it to the guys in the first place, but whatever.

Jo Jo cries and again references how good coming on the Bachelor and dating Ben was for her. She says she hates (original) Chad, who by the way owns a salon.

She goes to address it with the guys, telling them about her past relationship and crying some more. The guys all say a bunch of douchey things to comfort her. It is all pretty boring.

You know what would have been more exciting than this? A deranged steroid user threatening to rip somebody’s arms out of their sockets. But because Jo Jo wasn’t interested in dating a dangerously violent sociopathic narcissist, I guess we’re all gonna suffer for the rest of the season.

Fantasy scoring has really slowed down after a blazing start. To pass a little more time, we get to see Robby and Jordan getting pedicures with cucumbers over their eyes. This is getting rough.

Group Date

The guys on the group date walk up the street 9 wide, just like any normal group of 9 people walking somewhere would do. They are going sand surfing, which means they are going to fall down a big pile of sand repeatedly. It looks kind of fun, but there is an ocean right there and regular surfing seems like it would be way more enjoyable. The budget cuts are really getting out of control.

Evan expresses concern over getting another nose bleed, because I’m sure Jo Jo doesn’t mind the first 2 he’s gotten around her, but a 3rd one would just end his chances. Alex does a back flip like one of those little wind up monkeys you may have played with as a kid. It starts to rain and the group flees the storm as if they are running for their very lives.

After they find shelter, the guys do their usual pathetic merry go round of trying to get a few minutes with her. Fantasy points pile up really quickly here.

Luke chats her up and they make out (+3).

Wells chats her up and gives her a peck on the cheek, which was like a 100% acknowledgement that he has no chance to win this game (+1).  Keep in mind that she makes out 9 times by my count on this episode, so it’s not like she is saving herself for the right guy or anything.

Derek talks to her and says he is a little jealous of the other guys and maybe could use some reassurance. They make out (+3). Derek slides his hand over and feels her ass in a move that screams, “I need to be reassured!”

Somewhere along the line, Alex has decided he doesn’t like Derek. Then he talks to Jo Jo and he is boring as hell. Jo Jo essentially gets him to stop talking by leaning in and making out with him (+3).

Jo Jo ends up giving the rose to Derek (+2) which REALY pisses some guys off. Alex says he is a little bitch and that he wouldn’t want a “pity rose.” I have to admit, while I am glad Chad didn’t kill Alex, after seeing this behavior there is a part of me that wouldn’t have minded seeing him maybe get his legs broken or something.

1 on 1 Date

Robby receives a card confirming he is going on the next 1 on 1 date with Jo Jo. He seems very happy, and I’d have to say overly surprised—given that he is literally the only guy left, suggesting a 100% chance he would be going on this date. But professional swimmers are not known for their dizzying intellect, so I will give him a break.

The date card says that she wants to show Robby “what South America is all about”, because Jo Jo is essentially a walking encyclopedia (remember encyclopedias?) of South American knowledge, I guess. If you were to rank the things Jo Jo can just go on for hours about, I am sure the continent of South America is one of them.

As it turns out, what South America is all about is getting something to eat at what seems to be a food truck while the servers inside kind of ogle Jo Jo and ask her if Robby is her boyfriend. I always hope to hear a truly honest answer when someone is hit with a question like that—something like, “Yeah, he’s my boyfriend. And 10 other guys back at the hotel, too.”

Then they are up on a cliff. Jo Jo talks about how much she trusts Robby (foreshadowing maybe?) and they jump off. And… they live. (Yawn.) 😴 They make out in the waves as love music plays (+3).

When they have a little time later, Robby goes right into a story about a friend dying in a car crash and how life is too short, etc. This is pretty much par for the course on this show, but then Robby takes it up a notch and tells Jo Jo he is in love with her—which makes total sense when you’ve known a woman a couple of weeks and you know for a fact she’s fooling around with 10 other guys. For doing this so soon, Robby loses 3 fantasy points. He gets 2 of them back, however, when she gives him the date rose. Robby says he is the happiest man in South America right now, which I cannot confirm or deny as I am nowhere near the continental expert Jo Jo is. Then they go watch fireworks on the beach together, which my wife says is “the opposite of one of those stupid, awkward concerts.” She has a point.

Back at the Hotel

 Back at the hotel, the guys are starting to get antsy and feel the pressure. There are only so many roses to go around, and people are turning on each other—but mostly Derek. Alex, who is REALLY trying to be an alpha dog, confronts Derek about him getting a “reassurance rose.” Chase is there too, but he is kind of being the Flavor Flav to Alex’s Chuck D—more the hype man than adding anything of substance.

Second Cocktail Party?

Derek decides to address some of the poor treatment he has been receiving by asking Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan aside. He tells them he feels like they are kind of acting like a high school clique. They respond exactly how a fully functional high school clique would, by kind of sucking their teeth, smirking at each other, and denying adamantly that they are acting like a high school clique.

Chris Harrison comes in right after this conversation and informs the guys that there is no need for a cocktail party, and they will be heading right into the rose ceremony. He announces 3 guys will be going home, which raises the tension considerably.

Rose Ceremony

Jo Jo comes out and talks about how emotional this has been for her. As these roses will catapult the recipients into the top 8, their value is increased in our fantasy scoring system—the stakes are very high.

Luke, Chase, Joe Pesci Alex, James Taylor, and Wells receive the roses. Grant, Evan, and Vinny all get the old heave-ho.

Evan says that this is like daggers in his heart. He says he is hurt and confused. Then he cries (-5) on his way out. This will probably be the last we see of Evan unless we see him at an erectile dysfunction conference or something—he is not exactly the type of guy who would thrive on Bachelor in Paradise—especially since we know Chad will be there.

Grant is noticeably sad. It actually looks like he might cry for a second, but in the end he doesn’t do it. He leaves with his manhood intact.

Vinny flirts with crying for his whole talk at the end. It looks like he’ll manage to hold it off, but then he cries too (-5). Jo Jo really got to the guys this week.

This officially takes us to the final 8. We’ll be putting out our next power ranking of the remaining guys later on this week—feel free to leave me your questions, concerns (especially concerns), and comments.

Fantasy Scoring Breakdown 

Alex – 9 points (12 for the season)

Chad – 5 points (22 for the season)

Derek – 8 points (15 for the season)

Evan – negative 3 points (2 for the season)

Grant – 2 points (11 for the season)

James Taylor – 5 points (18 for the season)

Jordan – 11 points (40 for the season)

Luke – 6 points (28 for the season)

Robby – 10 points (22 for the season)

Vinny – negative 6 (0 for the season)

Wells – 6 points (19 for the season)


Hope to see you all next week. Who will fill the gaping void that Chad used to fill? Time will tell.  

–The Truth

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