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Game of Thrones Season 6 Finale Fantasy Recap

Topping his epic Battle of the Bastards would be near impossible, but director Miguel Sapochnik followed his brilliant Episode 9 with an equally thrilling Season 6 finale. Major characters paid the Iron Price while power balances were shaken with earth quake level tremors; as is the case with any Sapochnik directed episode, the cinematography and sound ensured every major quake resonated deep in viewers’ guts.

Despite tortuting viehorrors like ancient meat curtains and infants being devoured by hounds, Season 6’s greatest shock comes wrapped in a pretty final bow: two straight “feel good” episodes. Some of Westeros’ finest asshats got served the shit-sandwiches they deserved; meanwhile, viewer favorites kept scoring wins for the good guys. With the dust and tension all settled, and the stage set for an epic Season 7, let’s recap the fantasy action one last time after arguably the greatest season yet. (Season 6’s Scoring System here).

King’s Landing: The Most Explosive Trial Ever

 Our finale begins in King’s Landing, where an ominous tolling of a bell leads us through a variety of characters’ game day preparations: Cersei gazing out over the city she once reigned;  Tommen having his shirt buttoned because he’s still an incapable little twat; Margery getting her hair did; the High Sparrow throwing on his finest potato sack. Look good, feel good, play good.

The doors to the court room open as a repetitive, high-pitched piano lick tingles the spines of viewers. The High Sparrow makes his entrance, and for one last time the condescending prick fills deep league fantasy investors with hope that he’ll release his heavy Sandsnake. This appears a real possibility, as a broken Loras  is crumbled on the ground and seems primed for a mushroom stamp; yet, to the chagrin of Sparrow owners and with a disturbing sound of flesh ripping, the Knight of Flowers’ forehead receives a carving of the Symbol of the Seven instead.

Thus, in lieu of a point-producing dong hang, owners only receive the standard Sparrow mad lib: “The God’s are ____ (negative adjective) but also _______ (positive adjective). Mother Mercy will _____ (verb) you. _______(verb) to the Seven Gods. Confess all your greatest ____(noun).”

Meanwhile, Maester Pycelle is a bit late to the trial coming off a likely pathetic in-bed performance with a whore. No way he got it up, and if a miracle happened, negative chance Pycelle lasted beyond three pumps. Nonetheless, the old prick produces his lone resprectable moment of the entire series, sending off a whore like she was Saturday night’s mistake. Maybe there’s a little something more in the scrotes than I gave Pycelle credit for, as he handled the awkward Sunday Morning like a stone cold boss.

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Nevermind an Uber… Pycelle won’t even spare a parting glance. Icy.

Meanwhile, The Mountain doesn’t let Tommen’s weak ass into the club, and, as Cersei pours a drink, we start to sense her plot is in motion. Viewers aren’t the only one suspecting something is up, as the High Sparrow sends Lancel Lannister running to fetch her.

En route, Lancel gets distracted as a little boy runs down into the Red Keep. He sends his two henchman elsewhere before going down in pursuit. Meanwhile, expecting to see the king, Pycelle is led by another child into a room where he finds the demented Qyburn.

“Please Grand Maester, I bare you no ill will. Forgive me if you can,” Qyburn mutters before an extended silence is broken by the ring of an unsheathed dagger.

Cue creepy child choir “ahhhhyaaaaas,” and my nightmare begins being written.

Yep, just like Master Pycelle’s dying moments, my dreams will undoubtedly be visited by a host of dagger-wielding, ragetty Little Birds who will endlessly shank me. Yep, that haunting music will be on repeat too. Ahhhyaaaa, ahhh ah ahhhhyaaaa. Blood streaming from my mouth, the river growing with each dying gasp. Ahhhhyaaaa

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Asshat Killing #1: Maester Pycelle

Lancel, meanwhile, takes a stab right to the back. Cue more haunting music, and welcome to the nightmare party, demonic organ player. We’ve been expecting you.

Crumbled to the ground, Lancel suddenly notices what’s been alluded to for weeks now: Wildfire. Margery, too, is having her own realization:  both Cersei and Tommen are noticably absent from this trial. The current Queen begs the High Sparrow to dismiss the court, as something must be at play, but his arrogance continues to shine through as he dismisses her with a judgmental scoff– which will prove to be his last.

Despite Lancel’s attempts to blow out the candles, the Wildfire catches the flame. Anyone who’s seen The Battle at Blackwater understands the ensuing visual treat: conflagrations of green flame explode and rocket through the screen, incinerating everything in its path. Major characters amongst the cremated include The High Sparrow and Margery, and, to a lesser extent, her dad Mace and brother Loras.

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Asshat Killing #2: The High Sparrow

This Wildfire Scene is a useful reminder of an important GoTFantasy kill rule: murders must be 100% done at your hand, and not ordered, for you to receive points (I.e. Daenarys does NOT currently earn kill points when Drogon marks 30 fools after she calls “Dracarys”) This is a point of contention we will revisit in the offseason, and early debate suggests performed kills and ordered kills will become two separate, differently valued categories (3 for performed, 1 for ordered?).

Nonetheless,  we all agreed there’s no way Cersei went down and lit those candles. Thus, despite being the mastermind behind the Wildfire and the ensuing carnage, she gains no points in this category. She does, however, net a quick +2 for a smooth victory sip of wine as she watches the Citadel crumble to the ground.

Cersei then visits a torture room, where we see a wholly satisfying image: Septa Unella’s wretched ass strapped to a torture table. Cersei water boards her former atonement enforcer with the remainder of the wine, pleading the bitch to confess. As Cersei spouts a list of all the things that make her feel good, the former queen reminds fantasy players of the true three-category threat she used to be: “I drink because it feels good. I killed my husband because it felt good to get rid of him. I fuck my brother  because it feels good to feel him inside me.” A true GoTFantasy monster in her prime, Cersei may be worth bounce back consideration in Season 7 now fully recovered from her harrowing walk of shame.

Septa Unella tries to maintain swagger, confidently professing she is ready to meet the Gods. Cersei quickly squashes any brashness, informing the Septa she will not be dying today, or any time soon. “Ser Gregor,” Cersei calls, to introduce Unella to her new God that’ll enforce a long, painful death for Westeros’ most raging bitch. Karma again appears to be finally catching up in these final two episodes, as a woman who’s tortured countless into confessions will suffer a torturous end herself.

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When you see your RB1 hit the dirt and clutch his knee… Asshat #3 = Septa Unella

A busy trip to King’s Landing ends with Tommen’s leap from his window. Unlike other moments being driven home with thumping violins and pounding bass drum crescendos, this death settles in amidst utter silence.  Despite this being her first child to die as a direct result of her negligence and actions, Cersei comes off cold and unmoved as she looks at his body. With no kids or moral compass left, we might see the most epic, villainous Cersei yet, again fueling her bounce back narrative.

Scoring Recap:

-5 for Death: Margery, High Sparrow, Tommen, Lancel, Loras, Mace

+2 for drink: Cersei

A tough set of 4:00 pm games…

After a torrid start, the Season 6 finale hits a slight, conversation-heavy lull for bit of time. A slow slate of 4:00 pm games after an amazing 1:00 pm of fast-paced Red Zone mayhem, if you will. Let’s quickly glaze over and get to the good stuff:

Wingmanning in Riverrun 

We begin in Riverrun with Walder Frey’s disgusting, gravelly voice giving a toast. Sadly, for Jaime investors, the frequent first round selection continues a weak Season 6 Fantasy campaign, simply putting his cup down instead of taking a sip. Bronn, however, proves far thirstier; similarly disappointing on the year, the sellsword makes the most of his opportunities and limited usage here, quickly pounding two drinks while complaining about Jaime stealing all the hot girls (+4 total). Maximizing his reduced role, Bronn of course squeezes in some gem one-liners; examples like below truly make you wonder why the coaching staff is so hesitant to feature such high-end talent:image.png

Inexplicably underused despite elite flashes, Bronn brings Lamar Miller to mind. Hopefully the former mercenary will secure a more featured role like his NFL Counterpart did in Houston. For now, Bronn feels more like a low-floor, high ceiling dice-roll RB2: Ryan Mathews, if you will.

Though his own scoring drought continued, Jaime flashed elite wingmanning skills, netting his boy Bronn a three-way with a golden assist. Indeed, Jaime was highly frustrating to own throughout Season 6, but he still offers some serious bounce back upside in Round 2–he projects similarly to Jordy Nelson. The Kingslayer seems overdue for a Jon Snow, season changing type of battle performance at some point in Season 7.

Samwell – The most useless minutes of the entire series

I’ve spilled enough ink on my burning hatred for the bowl of pudding named Sam. This epically boring, frustratingly soft character deserves not a single sniff of the finale field. Yet, he logs significant, inexcusable minutes, and every second is a wasted opportunity for something badass to happen. Similar to Giants’ plodder Andre Williams receiving a series and two carries, there’s simply no point. I’ll let two tweets sum this up and move on:

Given the amount of air time he gets, King Soft is obviously going to do something important; perhaps he’ll figure out how to create Dragon glass or Valaryian Steel for the upcoming battle with the undead? Regardless, we’ll be bored to tears and filled with rage until this discovery is made.

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When your friend asks if you want late night delivery

Davos, under-the-radar bust

From logging no on-screen kills in the biggest battle in Thrones history, to turning down Tormund’s generous booze offer, Davos has fumbled at the goal line on numerous occasions. Though he’s as reliable as they come in the real Westeros, Davos has truly proven to be little more than waiver fodder in the virtual game.

The finale proved no different. Davos is rage-filled after discovering the fate of his beloved Shareen, yet once again fails to seal the major character kill deal with Melissandre. Snow banishes her, and while Davos threatens the Red Woman on her way out, she remains unharmed. Davos might still be worth a late round investment given his high screen time/ usage rate, but he’s more of a low-upside, between-the-20s, real life asset than a useful fantasy product.

The rare meaningful Dorne scene

Lady Olenna teaches a lesson on respecting your elders to the Sandsnakes before expressing her desire for vengeance on Cersei Lannister. Thankfully for the Queen of Thorns, her and Dorne share a common enemy and thus common cause. Shortly after, Varys emerges and we realize his mission from a few weeks back was to align these two powers to Team Daenarys.  With a truce seemingly set between Highgarden and Dorne, Daenarys will now have a safe landing spot should she ever chose to mobilize out West. Additionally, she gains massive and skilled troop reinforcements to an already imposing ground force. With a squad of houses led by female heads in Daenarys, Yara, Lady Olenna, and Ellaria, the Westerosi world indeed appears primed to be run by girls.

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Final Travel Preparations…next stop, Westeros

Sipping on some wine to ease the nerves (+2), Daeny delivers the tough news to Daario that he must remain behind in Mereen with his Second Sons to protect the peace that’s been built; additionally, Daario would’ve lowered her marriage and thus alliance stock as a former lover. The skilled sellsword struggles accepting his new status, but ultimately understands the liability he creates.

She seeks comfort and console in Tyrion, but, unfortunately for fantasy investors in the Imp like myself, she’s not seeking the third c, and his cock remains reigned in. He does, of course, “drink and know things.” (+2 points), sucking down some wine while wisely reminding Daeny that she has all that’s needed to make her move: ships, armies, dragons.

Tyrion also expresses his firm, genuine belief in Daeny’s cause, pledging his continued knowledge and console. She extends a long term contract offer, naming him the Hand of the Queen to which he kneels and proudly accepts. With a brawny, punishing ground game, a smooth ship set up, dragons creating a dangerous aerial attack, and a creative coordinator in Tyrion, Daeny has built a complete offensive juggernaut and a true contender for the Iron Throne. But, as the #BillsMafia can attest, winning the offseason only gets you so far…

A Delightful Serving of Walder Pie

We pan back to Riverrun with Walder Frey stuffing his hideous face with pie while he takes a sip of booze. Though Frey’s been firmly off the fantasy radar since the day he was conceived in a disgusting cesspool, the creep has flashed some solid drinking upside here in the finale. The largest living prick in all of Westeros hits on his serving girl, giving her a smack on the ass before wondering aloud where his moron sons are.

“They’re already here my lord,” answers the serving girl, repeating it a second time in response to if they’re trimming their cunt hairs. She then points to the pie, and we begin to slowly realize what she meant.

“They weren’t easy to carve,” she continues, before peeling her face off and producing a volcanic nut for viewers: Arya is here and finally, after all the horrendous training sequences, is ready to start crossing off chores on her to-do list.

Task #1 is appropriately finishing off the slimiest, most villainous man behind The Red Wedding.

“I want you to know that the last thing you’ll see is a Stark smiling down on you as you die,” Arya announces, before opening his throat. The initial blood spray, the subsequent quivering and quaking of Walder’s dying body, each zoom in on his opening and closing throat gash — viewers savor every last drop of this long awaited death. Arya’s smile adds an exclamation point to the satisfaction, and a true fantasy monster has finally been unleashed. (+12 for major character and vengeance kill)

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Biggest Asshat Killing of them all = Walder Frey

What an epic 180 degree turn around. After hearing her recite her list repeatedly, train in the House of Black and White for far too long, and generally start to bore viewers to tears with her storyline, Arya’s narrative now projects to be one of Season 7’s most captivating. She’s also now in a prime position to be a fantasy beast and the top female scorer next year; each name she crosses off her list is at minimum a vengeance kill (7 points), with most proving to be the 12-point major character + vengeance combination. Despite an overall rough 2016, Arya easily belongs in the 2017 first round conversation.

R+L = King in the North

We return North, as Baelish visits Sansa by a weirwood.  He explains how he’s long been chasing a picture, one where he sits upon the Iron Throne with Sansa by his side. Baelish moves in for the kiss, but gets a stone cold rejection. As Sansa leaves him with his dick in his hands, Baelish asks her to ponder: who deserves the throne more, a true born of Ned and Catelyn, or a motherless bastard in her brother…

Or so Littlefinger thinks. We pan to Bran, who has reached the tree at long last. His Uncle Benjen says his good byes, and the new Three Eyed Raven touches the Weirwood and returns to The Tower of Joy.

A young Ned bursts up the stairs to the room where his sister Lyanna is held captive. Clear signs of a costly birth are all over the place, and Lyanna’s time has nearly come to a close. Recognizing she’s on her final breaths, Lyanna holds Ned in close and makes her brother promise to care for this son. She delivers an inaudible whisper, presumably about the identity of this baby’s father, before muttering “If Robert finds out, he’ll kill him, you know he will…promise me you’ll keep him safe, Ned. Promise me.”

Given Robert’s previous desire of ridding the world of every last Targaryen, we can safely infer Rhaegar is indeed the father; as the camera zooms in on the baby’s face and transitions to Jon Snow’s, the most popular theory in all of Westeros is at long last confirmed: R+L is indeed J.  As such, Snow was never Ned’s bastard, but instead the ultimate combination of Stark (Ice) and Targaryen (Fire). While unsurprising, this final confirmation opens up limitless possibilities for Snow’s trajectory in Season 7, and keeps him a heavy favorite for #1 overall in fantasy drafts.

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R+L=J indeed.

Allegiances are in question as the action returns to Winterfell. Can honorable households truly coexist with wildlings? Snow makes the case everyone, regardless of birth or title, will soon be facing one common, undead army that’ll bring winter with icy ferocity, yet the crowd appears unmoved.

Lady Lyanna Mormont to the rescue. Easily the best new character of Season 6, the badass child lambasts lord after lord for cowardly refusing “the call” when so clearly action was needed: House Manderly, for leaving a murdered son unavenged since the Red Wedding; House Glover, for abandoning an age-old alliance with the Starks in their greatest hour of need; House Cerwyn, for having a father skinned alive and yet remaining stagnant.

After breaking them all down, she soon builds them back up behind the same cause. The North remembers, she proclaims, and the true king is a Stark, bastard or not. Compelled by her fierce show of loyalty, the lords are confessing their wrongdoings and also swearing their swords to the King in the North. Before long, the entire room is raising the hairs on every viewers neck, harkening memories of Robb’s Ascension as they all emphatically chant King in the North! King in the North! King in the North!

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Can the King in the North chant become a thing please?

Well, not the entire room. Baelish looks on, uninspired and disappointed, before making direct eye contact with Sansa, who appears oddly worried. Determining the balance of power in the North will ultimately be a major Season 7 narrative, and surely Baelish will be twisting all the strings he can to play a part.

The Battle for the Iron Throne is set

We wrap up Season 6 with a preview of the major forces set to fight it out for the Iron Throne:

In one corner…we’ve got Cersei, who’s massacred the entire faith and House Tyrell in one Wildfire-filled swoop; ironically, she now sits atop the Iron Throne after using the same chemical warfare that Jaime killed the Mad King to prevent.  Her brother indeed appears worried as he returns to King’s Landing and witnesses the procession, and his terror is easily understood: with the demented mind of Qyburn on one side, and the sheer destructiveness of the Mountain on the other, Cersei finds herself surrounded by dark power. Now that Ramsay’s gone, she projects to immediately step into the Lead Villain role, and with no children around to provide some form of moral compass, this could be the most wretched Cersei we’ve seen yet. Fantasy points could come in oodles, and owners are advised to forgive a weak Season 6 campaign and bet on a major bounce back with this setup.

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In the other corner… We’ve got Daenarys, representing the good guys with a historic entourage. After six seasons of preparation and build up, the Mother of Dragons finally has all she needs and is at long last Westeros bound to claim what is rightfully hers. A picture is often worth more than words, so just look at the depth of Daeny’s crew:

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Thus, Season 6 finishes by both tying up countless loose ends, while also setting the stage for an absolutely epic series finish. If you missed out on this round of fantasy action, be sure to check out a new and improved Scoring System next spring; you won’t want to miss the scoring of what promises to be an action-packed, high-flying conclusion to the greatest series in television history.

Finale Scoring Summary

Arya = +12 (major character and vengeance kill)

Cersei = +2 (drink)

Tyrion = +2 (drink)

Margery = -5 (death)

High Sparrow = – 5 (death)

RSJ Expert League Final Standings

1. Lord Tires = 87 points

2. King Beyond the Wall = 47 points

3. Wolf of Westeros = 45 points

4. Grabbeth my Sandsnake = 44 points

5.  The Great White Stark = 42 points

6. Sailor J’s Bastards = 27 points

We all needed a Hail Mary to catch Lord Tires, and unfortunately none of us received one. King Beyond the Wall did net his first points since Week 1 with Arya’s major character and vengeance kill, and those 12 extra points land him a second place finish. Yet, as any owner with pride understands, nothing else matters after first, and here Tires sits upon the Fantasy Throne by an epic margin. The risk / reward gamble on Snow proved to be a season changer, as his 63 points would’ve netted the title on his own. Lastly, Sailor J puts an exclamation point on yet another last place finish by notching -5 from Margery’s death and sinking further in the basement.

If you missed any of the recaps or actions, cure your Game of Thrones withdrawals now by reliving an epic Season 6 through the Fantasy Scoring lens (all our GoT content can be found at this page) Until next April…

 

 

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