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The Bachelorette Episode 7 Fantasy Recap

The last time we spent time with Jo Jo Fletcher and the men pursuing her purely for the prospect of finding true love and not even a little bit to achieve some pathetic modicum of fame, Derek was sobbing in the back seat of a car presumably on his way to the airport—but possibly to some sort of drying out facility for people who have recently revealed themselves to be giant pussies on national TV.

Alex and James Taylor were both spared the hangman’s noose for a week (2 weeks, if you count the week off the show took) because when you’re contractually obligated to drag the season out for a certain number of shows, all of a sudden the Bachelorette can start to envision herself spending her life with a douchey guitar player and/or Tyrion Lannister. Kind of? Maybe?

Jo Jo laments about how she knew she had to make a decision going into that last rose ceremony and she knew it was going to be tParis Hilton and her dog Alexough. Given that she ultimately picked everyone, I suspect the viewing public does not overly sympathize with how stressed out this must have made her. #1stWorldProblem

Alex, who is just lucky to be there, seems genuinely angry that he has not already been declared the winner of this game. He mutters and yaps like a Chihuahua with his head sticking out of a hotel heiress’s $40,000 handbag about how pissed he is that he hasn’t gotten to go on a 1 on 1 yet.

 

Chris Harrison comes in looking ultra-casual. He assures them Jo Jo is strong and independent and if she wanted them to be gone, they’d be gone. He gives them the first date card. Alex complains some more and then gets the date card. He looks happy, but kind of angry happy—like the type of guy who would be pissed about how much the government took in taxes if he won the lottery.

Side note: this is my least favorite type of person in the world that is not a murderer, sexual predator, or a Kardashian.

The Other guys

As Alex leaves for his date, the rest of the guys are put on a bus. And not a good bus either—it really seems like it might break down.   The guys make chicken salad out of chicken shit and rap during most of the ride.

They are actually not bad; Vanilla Ice Luke is prominently featured and most of the jokes are about Alex being a little guy. They speculate that Jo Jo would be having more fun with them on their crappy bus than she would be with Alex on their pimped out ride into the country.

They have no idea how right they are.

1 on 1 Date

Jo Jo says she is really excited about her date with Alex, but she is clearly not excited about her date with Alex.  Alex talks to the camera about looking forward to Jo Jo meeting his family, but if we can all just be candid for a second—Alex has a better chance of playing center for the Celtics than having Jo Jo meet his family. To further prove my point, they make duck lips out of Pringles to entertain themselves on the car ride. Then it’s just awkward, and there is nothing left to discuss. The car ride is interminable. It reminds me a lot of when she was spending time with Wells, except Wells actually seemed fun to be around as long as you didn’t want to have a romantic, heterosexual relationship with him.

They are doing the gaucho thing on this date. She wants to see if Alex has what it takes to be a real Argentinian gaucho. What do gauchos do exactly? Well, I’m glad you asked, because I’m gonna tell you.

According to the man overseeing this whole experience, gauchos do not try to break horses, but rather capture their hearts. They watch a gaucho in the distance as he starts a little foreplay that leads to a foot/hoof with a horse. Then the man gets on top of the horse, which is now lying on its back. One thing is abundantly clear right now in what is otherwise a very confusing moment—there is a better chance of that gaucho having sex with that horse than Alex and Jo Jo ever having sex.

Jo Jo and Alex then have one of the most awkward make out sessions ever (+3), but I can’t really judge them for that, because I’ve never watched a man give a horse a foot rub and then straddle it while it is prone on its back and then try to be intimate with a woman I am hoping to introduce to my family. I have no idea how I’d be in that situation, so for that—and only that—I give Alex a pass.

An old man plays guitar and shouts in the distance as the date moves to the evening. Because he is shouting in Spanish, we are supposed to think its romantic, but it’s not. This is a far cry form the concerts Chase gets to go to.   The yellow brick road is not exactly being laid out for this Munchkin to skip down.

Skipping down the yellow brick road

Jo Jo attempts to make this less awkward. She says today was fun and that is followed by another gross make out session. By my count, at least half of the make outs Alex has been a part of were initiated by Jo Jo just to break the awful, awful, awkward tension.

Alex says he’s falling in love with her, kissing 3 fantasy points good-bye for his troubles. He tells her how amazing he feels right now, but is obviously either incapable of reading any kind of body language or just a full fledged idiot. She is clearly not into him and is now about to dump him.

She tells him she wishes she could return those feelings, but she can’t, and it wouldn’t be fair to keep him around for a week knowing that. He’s just kind of pissy about it, and he cuts her off as she talks with a quick “OK.” He waddles off angrily.

She says she wishes she could think of some way to comfort him. I am sure he could have probably thought of something if she had asked, but she didn’t. My wife says someone should tell Alex that being awkward and uncomfortable around someone all the time doesn’t mean you are in love. I also mention that he probably also liked her boobs. She agrees, but is stands firm in her position that it still was not love.

Next 1 on 1 Date

The next one on one card comes and it’s Jordan.

Jo Jo and Jordan catch a private jet. While aboard, they make out a little (+3) to kiThat's just nastyll some time and so Jo Jo can wash the taste of Alex out of her mouth.

After they land, they catch a limo and ride it to a vineyard. They are going to stomp grapes. They both stomp a while, then she joins him in his stomping bucket. Then they just scoop up a glass each out of the buckets and drink the slop. This seems pretty gross to me, but they both seem to think it is OK.

Afterwards, they are in a little pool and things get really steamy. If there were ever a time 2 people were going to have sex in a pre-fantasy suite encounter, this would seem to be it. It does not appear that they do, but the passion is clearly there. Sex is most certainly on the table.

Later on, they are eating dinner. It is boring as hell for a while. Then, Jo Jo asks what she has wanted to ask since the show started: who would she meet if she came to his hometown for a visit (hint, hint, hint).

Jordan rattles off a couple people and then says Carl Weathers. Well, let me tell you I just about fell out of my seat at the prospect of Jo Jo getting to meet Apollo Creed himself at Jordan’s house. Can you imagine, just for the sake of argument, what would happen if she went to visit Jordan, met Carl Weathers, and on the same day Chad decided to pay Jordan a little post-show visit to resolve some of their differences? I mean, there’s a decent chance Carl Weathers and Chad would have to fight. My heart was beating pretty fast at this point, then he revealed casually that Carl Weathers was just a fucking dog. Major disappointment on this end.

Jo Jo then gently kind of asks about Aaron… and Jordan says he does not have much of a relationship with his brother Aaron. He says they really don’t talk at all as a matter of fact and he may not even know he is on the show. Jo Jo pretends that doesn’t matter to her, but I suspect she is hatching a graceful exit strategy in her head even as they speak. Then he tells her he is in love with her (-3). Whoa boy.

Group Date

The group date card comes, and the contestants will be Chase, James, and Robby. This means Luke gets the 1 on 1 date at the end of the episode. There is a rose up for grabs on this group date, meaning the recipient will be guaranteed a hometown date. The stakes have never been higher. Robbie says he is the front runner and he will “soar” into the home town dates next week.

She meets up with the guys. The rain has ruined her chances to have an outdoor date, so now they are in the suite with all this food and stuff. James Taylor says he can put all but maybe 6 French fries on this plate in his mouth. Jo Jo crams them in there until he almost vomits. Then she reminds the guys they are all her bitches and makes them sit on the ground in a row and massage each other. This is a small price to pay for the guy who ultimately comes out of this with the rose, but for the guy or guys who end up rose-less, well, they’re just guys who gave other guys sensual neck rubs on TV now.

They play Pictionary and Jo Jo draws a stick figure that ends up being Chad. Ratings briefly spike, and then we return to reality.

Now they play Truth or Dare. Jo Jo dares Robbie to get in his underwear and run through the hotel hall. Robby, who does not mind being tossed into that briar patch AT ALL, trots down the hall and shows them his ass on command, racking up a couple fantasy points for on camera nudity. (+5)

Robbie play truth or dare on the bachelorette

As the date progresses, James Taylor keeps making little comments about Robby checking out other women. At first it seems like nothing, but after it keeps happening we have no choice but to deduct points for snitching —and it’s not the first time this season James Taylor has snitched, either.(-3) It’s almost as if he has never heard of the bro code.

Jo Jo walks off with Robby. There is a lot of boring talk, and then Robby mentions his ex-girlfriend. It seems they dated for 3 years, but he never saw her house, and he met her mom once. This stuff didn’t seem to bother Jo Jo as much as the fact that they only broke up 4 ½ months ago, which seems hypocritical to me because how long has it been since she stopped dating Ben, who she brings up ALL THE TIME? Somewhere along the line, they exchange a quick peck (+1) which had to be a little disappointing for all parties involved.

Chase talks to Jo Jo about opening up. My wife points out that all the remaining guys look essentially the same, which I have to admit is true once I’m forced to really think about it. Chase tells her he really, really likes her. She makes out with him as a reward (+3).

She and James Taylor have no chemistry at all. He puts her hand on her leg like what a coach would do to a player who just missed a big free throw to get them to keep their head in the game. He tells her he is “very much in the process of falling for her,” which is dork for “send me home because I am a loser.”

Ultimately, Jo Jo gives the final 4 rose to Robby (+6). The other guys are not happy, understandably. She goes off to spend more time with Robby. The 2 other guys slink away muttering about how much they opened up to her, as if opening up just guarantees you a reality TV wife these days. Robby and Jo Jo make out (+3).

Last 1 on 1 Date

This date was all business. Luke and Jo Jo meet up at some stables. This is a horse date; it’s like when Grant won the fireman’s date. Luke is totally getting fat pitches thrown to him and he’s smacking ‘em out of the park. She refers to Luke as the Total Package.

A man with a gun approaches them, but due to their massive white privilege, they assume correctly that they are not in any real danger. They go skeet shooting and Luke blasts a couple clay pigeons out of the sky like a boss. He gives her the old shoot-it-quicker-because-the-further-it-gets-away-the-harder-it-is advice, which is the same strategy I always utilized in Duck Hunt back in the day with great success.

Now they are chatting as they drink wine. All his answers to all her stupid questions are perfect. They make out. (+3). Luke is in no danger of going home. She tells the camera she doesn’t need a cocktail party.

Rose Ceremony

Luke tells the guys there will be no cocktail party. James Taylor looks devastated by this, as if there were anything at all he could do that would salvage this now. He’d have to write one pretty amazing awful acoustic guitar song in order to get a hometown date out of this, but alas, he’s out of time.

The guys get in a horse drawn carriage and get hauled to the rose ceremony. Jo Jo pulls up in a Bentley or something.

Jo Jo says she’d be the luckiest girl in the world to end up with any of them. I call serious bull shit.

Luke, Jordan, and Chase get their roses in that order. James Taylor is classy in defeat, but he does cry (a recurring theme these days with rejected guys) and costs himself 5 fantasy points. She tells him he’d make some lucky woman a great husband, which is evidently a line that has been used on him a bunch of times before.

And just like that, we’ve hit the final 4. Next week we’ll start to get answers to all the questions you’ve been asking yourselves, such as:

Why does Aaron Rodgers hate Jordan—is it just because he’s a douchey, whiney tool, or is there more to it than that?

Does anything at all bother Luke?

Is Robby secretly a male prostitute?

That guy Chase is still in the game? Really?

Fantasy Scoring Recap

Alex : 2 points (20 points total)

Chase : 9 points (42 points total)

James Taylor : -5 points (20 points total)

Jordan : 6 points (52 points total)

Luke : 9 points (43 points total)

Robby : 15 points (43 points total)

See you all next week! –The Truth

 

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