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The Bachelorette Episode 8 Fantasy Recap

the bachelorette episode 8 recap

As we brace ourselves for the 4 hometown dates this week on the Bachelorette, and what figures to be a fantasy-irrelevant episode, Jo Jo mentions that she can see herself with all of the remaining guys long term. This seems like a lie to me—Chase has seemed like a hanger-on for quite a while now.

The CHASE Date

As if to validate my skepticism right out of the gate, Chase is assigned the first date they choose to show on TV—also known as “the date the guy who finishes in 4th place gets to go on”.

Jo Jo talks to us about Chase opening up, which has become such a stupid cliché I can hardly stand it. This season has, in many ways, devolved into a frantic race to see who can “open up” the most and the quickest. If this form holds, do not be surprised at all to see guys next year at the opening cocktail party literally climbing out of the limo that brought them there, introducing themselves, telling the Bachelorette they were molested by an uncle and it has made trusting people challenging, and then telling her they are in love with her—all before entering the house itself. That’s where this is going. Seriously. Somebody stop the madness.

Chase, in the spirit of opening up, tells Jo Jo he is a child of divorce. Because of this, she will be meeting his father separately. This will be just like Thanksgivings and Christmases once they get together, so she has that to look forward to. They do some quick making out (+3).

His dad, a pretty good looking older guy, shows up. He looks and seems like the type of guy who might consider hitting on his son’s hot girlfriend if the circumstances were right, so Jo Jo would be wise to stay alert. Chase decides the best way to spend this time is to start talking to his father about how much the divorce hurt him. This is all happening in front of Jo Jo for some reason. Then all of a sudden Chase is asking his father tough questions about why he did what he did with Jo Jo acting as a confused bystander. This is probably the first time I have seen a hometown date situation where there were 3 people involved, tough questions were being fielded by 1 of the 3 people, and the actual Bachelor or Bachelorette was not the person asking or answering the questions.

Chase tells his dad he’s all in on Jo Jo (once she is not around), which is really sad because I think he has absolutely no chance at all.

Now we get to see Part 2 of the Chase hometown date. The mother’s house is much more bright and welcoming than the hovel they met his father in. There is a bunch of family and everyone seems cheerful and excited. Chase talks to his sister who looks just like him. He brings up divorce again—maybe coming off as damaged goods. He refers to the “L-Bomb”, which I think is love, although at first I thought he might have been referring to lesbians. I think this means he wants to tell Jo Jo he loves her, which would be like the ultimate way of opening up, and would (logically) make him the alpha male of the universe.

Chase’s mom asks him if he’s ready to propose to Jo Jo. The poor guy says he is.

On the way out to the car they get close and he tells her he’s “falling in love with her”. Of course she doesn’t say it back, but he says his confidence level is out of this world now. Because I know when I spend weeks or months getting up the courage to tell a woman I love her and she doesn’t say it back, I feel like I could go conquer the world afterwards.

The JORDAN Date

Jordan and Jo Jo start their date by making out in a field (+3). Then Jordan takes Jo Jo to his high school, which I assume means his high school days were the best of his life–I didn’t mind high school, but I’m not sure my former high school would rank in the top 10,000 places I would take the Bachelorette on a date. After a little casual making out in the library at the high school, which isn’t even a little bit trashy for someone in their late 20’s to be doing, Jo Jo spots a picture of Aaron (Rodgers) on the wall. Jordan is kind of dismissive of it. They talk a little bit, and Jordan comes off as really fake.

As they go sit on the bleachers, Jo Jo brings up Aaron again (of course). Jordan, who appears to have gotten his teeth whitened, doesn’t have much to say about his older, more successful, better looking brother who has a better looking girlfriend than him even if he lands Jo Jo. He tells Jo Jo his parents haven’t met any girlfriends of his in 2 years. You can tell Jo Jo is hoping this whole estrangement thing is a clever ruse, and Aaron will just show up at dinner and she and Olivia Munn will go shopping together.

When they go to the Rodgers home, there are 2 empty seats at the table—like the whole family is symbolically grieving over Aaron (plus 1) not being there. Jo Jo talks to the oldest brother, Luke, who is fatter than the rest of them but also has a pretty hot girlfriend. Jo Jo, never missing an opportunity to pry into a family’s private, painful issues, asks him about Aaron. She tells Luke that Jordan misses him, but really it seems like Jo Jo misses him. It turns out Luke is estranged from him, too. Strike 2, Jo Jo.

All the Rodgers have the same hair. If Jo Jo does pick Jordan, she can’t continue on without getting the Rodgers hair cut. I wonder if that will end up hurting his chances with her, because she can’t just be at family functions with her normal to extremely attractive hair. That would make all the rest of them look like idiots.

After a few boring conversations amongst the family and Jo Jo, Jordan talks to his mom. There are big glass windows behind them, and I allow myself to fantasize about Chad picking this exact moment to pay Jordan that visit he had alluded to earlier in the season and just crashing through the window, beating Jordan half to death in front of his terrified mother. Then of course Luke and the father would try to intervene, but Chad would just cut off their arms and legs and leave the house full of torsos as a warning to everyone that it is simply not over when you’re asked to leave a show so you better watch what you say.

The thing I fantasize about does not happen. The boring date in the town I can’t remember that did not feature Aaron Rodgers although his name was brought up quite a bit mercifully ends.

The ROBBY Date

Robby is from St Augustine, Florida. I don’t know enough about Florida to know if this is the cool partying part of Florida, the old person part of Florida, or the super trashy redneck part of Florida. Jo Jo and him meet up and they make out (+3) just to get it out of the way. He tells her to whistle, which she does expertly, and a horse drawn carriage comes around the corner on cue. They ride for a little while holding hands. Robby conveniently rests their hands right on his crotch for the duration of the ride.

Talking to the camera she references his past relationship, then she mentions it to him directly. Robby is clearly rattled by it, kind of making the same face Jordan made when she brought up rumors of his past infidelity.

Robby’s family is thrilled to see them. His dad wants to be called “Coach.” He has like 4 siblings and it’s a packed house. Robby goes off to talk to his brothers. All these guys worry a lot about their hair, you can tell. He tells them he’s gotten no sleep recently and has had a bunch of panic attacks. Sounds like a guy you might want to marry, eh?

Jo Jo kind of tells his mom she is falling in love with him. Then Robby talks to his mom. She tells him there is a media issue right now saying his ex-girlfriend’s roommate (named Alex, for the record) is saying he broke up with her to go on the show. He is pissed about this development.

He goes and interrupts what seemed to be a very nice conversation Jo Jo was having with his sisters. He tells her he knows there is chatter out in the world about his past relationship and people saying he’s not there for the right reasons. Although I appreciate him saying the phrase “not there for the right reasons” repeatedly, I don’t see why any of this is even important. This was months ago. Who gives a shit if he broke up with someone 5 or 6 months ago (who we learned last week he never saw her house) to go on the show? Robby tells her they had a blow up fight and she slapped him and they haven’t talked since then. Jo Jo asks what if they’re still dealing with this at the end, which to me would kind of fall on Jo Jo if that ends up being the case. Jo Jo seems a little psycho right now, and she has the same color skin as Donald Trump.

The LUKE Date

Luke is in Burnet, Texas. He waits for Jo Jo in front of a cool looking brick wall that you could easily picture a high school rebel hanging out at. She is wearing the boots Luke gave her, which is a nice touch. He drives Jo Jo in a truck deep into the country and they turn down a dirt road. There, his mom and dad and 50 of his closest friends are waiting for them. Yes, I said 50. I am not sure if this was an exact headcount or just a rough estimate, but there was an assload of people there.

Luke talks to his dad. His dad thinks Jo Jo’s great, which is a very nice thing to say, but really makes for one of the most boring home dates I’ve ever seen. If the dad had said, “she kind of seems like a slut, Luke”, that would be good TV. This? Meh.

Later they are there with his parents, grandfather and sister and Luke says he has a surprise for Jo Jo. Not sure if this is it, but he takes her to a couch that might be made out of hay in a field. They make out there (+3). He has not told her he loves her yet, which I appreciate. They walk down some candles that lead to a heart in a field. He tells her his heart is hers. It is very romantic, and took way more effort than anything the other guys have done.  This guy SHOULD coast to the final 3. But then, we see something in Jo Jo.

The Extremely Disappointing “Rose Ceremony”

The setting for this rose ceremony is a very romantic airport runway.  In fact, it may be the most romantic airport runway I’ve ever seen.  It is unclear (at least to me) where this runway is, but it is safe to say that someone probably flew across the country to get dumped at an airport tonight, so there’s that. Chris Harrison waits dutifully on the tarmac. Robby drives up, followed by Chase, Jordan, Luke, and then Jo Jo.

Jo Jo babbles at the camera for a while and cries about how hard this all is. She says she’s gonna get rid of Luke. What???!! I had him at 2 on my depth chart at the worst. Then, just as she’s about to start giving out roses, as if he could sense what was going on (or, less plausibly, the producers told him what was going on), Luke asks to talk to her privately. He pulls her aside and tells her he is in love with her, saying the magic words and REALLY opening up, which according to this show is the one guaranteed way to make a woman do anything you want with her any time.

She is weird about it, and she acts like this is a VERY big deal. It appears she was actually going to dump him because he had not said those exact words to her—never mind that he made her a big heart in a fucking field—but now she is reconsidering.

Luke returns to the group, but Jo Jo stays behind and starts sobbing like an idiot about how difficult this all is. #1stWorldProblem

Just when I think I cannot hate how they have played this episode any more, these 3 words appear on the screen: To Be Continued. Then I realize I can always be a little bit angrier. Always.

Fantasy Points Breakdown

Chase – 3 points, 45 total

Jordan – 3 points, 55 total

Luke – 3 points, 46 total

Robby – 3 points, 46 total

Keep your collective fingers crossed for a more eventful next week, people.

–The Truth

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