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Week 2 Rankings:         Top-20 Quarterbacks   1 ) Tom Brady (NE)   2 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB)   3 ) Matt Ryan (ATL)   4 ) Drew Brees (NO)   5 ) Derek Carr (OAK)   6 ) Jameis Winston (TB)   7 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN)   8 ) Cam Newton (CAR)   9 ) Philip Rivers (LAC)   10 ) Matthew Stafford (DET)   11 ) Russell Wilson (SEA)   12 ) Ben Roethlisberger (PIT)   13 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS)   14 ) Tyrod Taylor (BUF)   15 ) Alex Smith (KC)   16 ) Carson Wentz (DAL)   17 ) Dak Prescott (DAL)   18 ) Jay Cutler (MIA)   19 ) Carson Palmer (ARI)   20 ) Joe Flacco (BAL)   Top-40 Running Backs   1 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT)   2 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF)   3 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL)   4 ) Kareem Hunt (KC)   5 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC)   6 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA)   7 ) Ty Montgomery (GB)   8 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN)   9 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL)   10 ) Todd Gurley (LAR)   11 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK)   12 ) Mike Gillislee (NE)   13 ) Leonard Fournette (JAC)   14 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN)   15 ) Jordan Howard (CHI)   16 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR)   17 ) Jacquizz Rodgers (TB)   18 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE)   19 ) CJ Anderson (DEN)   20 ) Tarik Cohen (CHI)   21 ) Lamar Miller (HOU)   22 ) Mark Ingram (NO)   23 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ)   24 ) James White (NE)   25 ) Terrance West (BAL)   26 ) Jonathan Stewart (CAR)   27 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL)   28 ) Javorious Allen (BAL)   29 ) Thomas Rawls (SEA)   30 ) Carlos Hyde (SF)   31 ) Kerwynn Williams (ARI)   32 ) Robert Kelley (WAS)   33 ) Theo Riddick (DET)   34 ) LeGarrette Blount (PHI)   35 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET)   36 ) Alvin Kamara (NO)   37 ) Joe Mixon (CIN)   38 ) Jeremy Hill (CIN)   39 ) Adrian Peterson (NO)   40 ) Frank Gore (IND)   Top-50 Wide Receivers   1 ) Julio Jones (ATL)   2 ) Jordy Nelson (GB)   3 ) Mike Evans (TB)   4 ) Antonio Brown (PIT)   5 ) Amari Cooper (OAK)   6 ) Brandin Cooks (NE)   7 ) AJ Green (CIN)   8 ) Odell Beckham Jr. (NYG)   9 ) Keenan Allen (LAC)   10 ) Michael Thomas (NO)   11 ) Tyreek Hill (KC)   12 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA)   13 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU)   14 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI)   15 ) Demaryius Thomas (DEN)   16 ) Golden Tate (DET)   17 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN)   18 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK)   19 ) Dez Bryant (DAL)   20 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT)   21 ) Davante Adams (GB)   22 ) Devante Parker (MIA)   23 ) Kelvin Benjamin (CAR)   24 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS)   25 ) Jeremy Maclin (BAL)   26 ) Adam Thielen (MIN)   27 ) Randall Cobb (GB)   28 ) DeSean Jackson (TB)   29 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI)   30 ) Danny Amendola (NE)   31 ) Cooper Kupp (LAR)   32 ) Sammy Watkins (LAR)   33 ) Tyrell Williams (LAC)   34 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA)   35 ) Corey Coleman (CLE)   36 ) Corey Davis (TEN)   37 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS)   38 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN)   39 ) Pierre Garcon (SF)   40 ) TY Hilton (IND)   41 ) Ted Ginn (IND)   42 ) Chris Hogan (NE)   43 ) Eric Decker (TEN)   44 ) John Brown (ARI)   45 ) Nelson Agholor (PHI)   46 ) Kenny Golladay (DET)   47 ) Allen Hurns (JAC)   48 ) Rishard Matthews (TEN)   49 ) Paul Richardson (SEA)   50 ) Brandon Marshall (NYG)   Top-20 Tight Ends   1 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE)   2 ) Zach Ertz (PHI)   3 ) Jordan Reed (WAS)   4 ) Greg Olsen (CAR)   5 ) Travis Kelce (KC)   6 ) Martellus Bennett (GB)   7 ) Delanie Walker (TEN)   8 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA)   9 ) Kyle Rudolph (MIN)   10 ) Charles Clay (BUF)   11 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN)   12 ) Jared Cook (OAK)   13 ) Austin Hooper (ATL)   14 ) Jason Witten (DAL)   15 ) Julius Thomas (MIA)   16 ) Hunter Henry (LAC)   17 ) Coby Fleener (NO)   18 ) Benjamin Watson (BAL)   19 ) Cameron Brate (TB)   20 ) Zach Miller (CHI)   Top-15 Defenses   1 ) Seattle   2 ) Arizona   3 ) Baltimore   4 ) Oakland   5 ) Carolina   6 ) Houston   7 ) Denver   8 ) Pittsburgh   9 ) Los Angeles Rams   10 ) Philadelphia   11 ) Cincinnati   12 ) Jacksonville   13 ) Kansas City   14 ) New York Giants   15 ) Tampa Bay   Top-15 Kickers   1 ) Justin Tucker (BAL)   2 ) Stephen Gostkowski (NE)   3 ) Matt Bryant (ATL)   4 ) Giorgio Tavecchio (OAK)   5 ) Will Lutz (NO)   6 ) Blair Walsh (SEA)   7 ) Dan Bailey (DAL)   8 ) Mason Crosby (GB)   9 ) Cairo Santos (KC)   10 ) Graham Gano (CAR)   11 ) Younghoe Koo (LAC)   12 ) Brandon McManus (DEN)   13 ) Matt Prater (DET)   14 ) Dustin Hopkins (WAS)   15 ) Chris Boswell (PIT)  

The Bachelorette Episode 9 Fantasy Recap

The floodgates have opened.  As we start the episode on the same romantic airport we left off on last time. Jo Jo, who has been going nuts and sobbing on the runway for what seems like close to a week now (and still looks great by the way), is still reeling from the gut punch Luke gave her by telling her he loved her. Having all but decided to send Luke home even though he is clearly the best guy there, this curveball has made her tiny, delicate brain implode. She now seems to be unable to walk, chew gum, or form coherent sentences.

The rest of the remaining guys exchange snarky comments. I notice Jordan’s hair is higher than usual today, possibly reaching Marge Simpson territory.

Jordan and Robby each get a valuable 10 point rose, launching themselves into the final 3. Then, after making the American public wait 7 full days, she picks Chase. Unbelievable. This would appear to make Luke the next Bachelor. She takes Luke aside and talks to him and proceeds to make it all about her. She tells him to wait as he walks off, with her voice reaching new levels of annoying.

Luke looks stunned. Jo Jo, who is about to go back to 3 other guys who she in theory prefers to Luke, acts like this is the worst day of her life.

“You don’t understand!” (sob, sob) “I had 4 guys totally kissing my ass and willing to do anything for me, and now I only have 3!” It really is a sad tale from her perspective if you think about it. Luke tells her he thought it was all real; he is remaining classy despite being devastated. He seems genuinely hurt. Luke says he would’ve proposed to her that day.

After his limo drives off, Jo Jo talks about missing him. There is no way she would have been crying like this if she just sent Chase home under these circumstances.

THAILAND – The ROBBY Date

The next time we see Jo Jo, we are in Thailand. She talks about Thailand being romantic and magical. Then she pulls out her Dictionary of Cliches, leafs through it, and refers to last week as an emotional roller coaster. She also mentions that when she woke up this morning, she felt fine about the Luke thing. So… maybe it wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to her after all.

Robby gets driven up by a guy on a moped. Robby is crouching over in the little side car attachment he is in, and he seems like he’s like a foot taller than everyone else in the market. It starts raining monstrously.

They get foot massages. Robby, proving he has also read the Cliché Dictionary, talks about grabbing the bull by the horns. He clearly wants Jo Jo to tell him she loves him. She talks about “falling for him” and “feeling safe” instead. They make out (+3) in front of the old women Thai foot massagers. Then they leave and make out some more, probably so Jo Jo will feel more safe.

After bringing up Ben Higgins again, Jo Jo talks about feeling Robby out tonight and seeing if she WANTS to do the fantasy suite with him. Yeah, right. No need to play hard to get, Jo Jo.  There is no way she isn’t going to the fantasy suite and having sex with this guy.

Once Robby gives her a letter his father wrote him (for some reason) and they make out a little more, Jo Jo has felt things out enough. She declares she “wants to be alone” with Robby.

They read the fantasy suite letter, and shockingly Robby elects to forgo his individual room. He keeps calling her Joelle–possibly he intends to call her that during sex. They do the wild thang (+10).

The next morning, Jo Jo says she will not tell somebody she loves them until the end when she is sure she knows who she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Am I the only one who thinks she is not ready to spend the rest of her life with anyone? I speculate the odds on the big board in Vegas on Jo Jo being married to whoever “wins” the Bachelorette for the rest of their lives are like 500 to 1. My wife says 1,000,000 to 1.  She’s such a cynic.

THAILAND – The JORDAN Date

Jordan, having also read the Cliché Dictionary, talks about the journey they’re on. Then he talks about the light at the end of the title. They’re going to some temple. She needs to cover her shoulders and tells him they are not allowed to kiss while there. She wants to “respect their culture” but says it will be hard (to not kiss him, I assume). I know I have always found it exceedingly difficult not to make out or even fornicate while inside temples, so I feel her on that.

Now we are at dinner (out of the temple, I think, because I can totally see her shoulders) and they are just killing time before the inevitable sex. As they drink wine, she asks him what the next year looks like to him. He says he doesn’t know. She says that’s a concern. He says he has no home base, which he views as a good thing, but she does not. They both drink nervously, and he seems kind of defensive.

Jordan says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She very quickly responds with “that’s what Ben said”. Whoa! Jo Jo actually seems a little drunk and belligerent—which as a viewer I love. Jordan goes into some shit about how she makes him feel “different”–cue the romantic music. She eats this shit up and they make out (+3). They get the suite card. Jordan also chooses to forgo his individual room. Sex is heavily implied (+10).

The next morning we see Jordan looking pretty damn happy. He says it was what he needed—I’m sure things were a little backed up, so I understand.   She keeps telling the camera she is in love with 2 men. Ouch, Chase.

THAILAND – The CHASE Date Humiliation

Chase shows up to his impending doom on a motorbike. They are kind of goofing around with frozen fish at a local market. It is light hearted, but right now I am not seeing the animal chemistry between them. They do make out (+3) going down the river in some broken down old boat and then later in the water before they take a break to go get changed for dinner and presumably sex.

While she is back in her hotel room, Robby shows up unannounced. They make out a little (+3), which is huge on someone else’s fantasy suite date—it should be like triple points. He tells her he’s ready to propose to her. She seems really into him.

Now Chase and Jo Jo are back together and he is talking to her and they’re eating and drinking like folks do. She gives him the fantasy suite card. This is now old hat for Jo Jo, but Chase is as happy as a guy whose girlfriend hadn’t had sex with 2 other guys the past 2 nights.

Chase tells her that he is not just falling in love with her, but that he loves her—100%. This is evidently an important distinction, as he has never told anyone that. Jo Jo looks like she is going to throw up with guilt. She kisses him to shut him up, and then he says he doesn’t want to be in a world without her, twisting the knife with purpose. This is painful. She asks him to “hold on one minute” and leaves him sitting on the couch in the fantasy suite like an idiot.  This is when the woman either comes back wearing sexy lingerie or you get dumped.

Chase thinks he’s about to get laid here, but he’s not getting laid here.

She comes back and tells him she doesn’t feel the same way about him. Why, you may ask, did she have him open and accept the fantasy suite card, you may ask? A fair question. What a mind fuck for Chase. He can’t believe it.

Jo Jo now wants him to make her feel better after breaking his heart on national TV.  Because I mean, he needs to think about how tough this is for her—going back and selecting between 2 other wonderful men, I guess. He’s like what do you want from me? Jo Jo starts crying. Going third really screwed Chase because if he had gone first they’d have totally had sex.

Jo Jo really wants Chase to let her off the hook. In the quote of the night, my wife says, “she and Jordan deserve each other—the shallow assholes.” Chase then walks away and she follows him, demanding satisfaction from the man whose life she just ruined. She’s like, “I didn’t give you the fantasy suite card to break your heart” and he’s like, “well you did.” He then walks away and Jo Jo continues to put on a great show for the cameras.

Chase says what happened was like having your pants pulled down and kicked in the nuts. Is he the next Shakespeare? No. But I admit he nailed that one.

UNNECESSARY ROSE CEREMONY 

As the guys show up for their final rose ceremony, my wife, who has been on fire tonight, says, “I’m Jordan. Could my pants be any tighter?”

Jo Jo talks to the two remaining guys, and as soon as she tells them she sent Chase home, Chase shows up. The two remaining guys (but really just Jordan) make comments about second chances. They are clearly threatened, but this is clearly just Chase letting Jo Jo off the hook and possibly making his case to be the next Bachelor.

Chase basically tells her he doesn’t want to end the way and he’s proud of her—I guess for humiliating him in front of an audience of millions. He tells her he’s not mad at her for some reason. You can tell he was hoping there was like a 1% chance he thought she might take him back for being so understanding. No such luck. They embrace and he leaves.

Jo Jo gives Robby and Jordan each a 15 point rose. We move on to the finals, a trail of guys with their hearts ripped out—empty shells, torsos if you will—in Jo Jo’s wake. See you next time.

FANTASY SCORING BREAKDOWN

Chase – 13 points (58 total)

Jordan – 38 points (93 total)

Robby – 41 points (87 total)

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