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Week 2 Rankings:         Top-20 Quarterbacks   1 ) Tom Brady (NE)   2 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB)   3 ) Matt Ryan (ATL)   4 ) Drew Brees (NO)   5 ) Derek Carr (OAK)   6 ) Jameis Winston (TB)   7 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN)   8 ) Cam Newton (CAR)   9 ) Philip Rivers (LAC)   10 ) Matthew Stafford (DET)   11 ) Russell Wilson (SEA)   12 ) Ben Roethlisberger (PIT)   13 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS)   14 ) Tyrod Taylor (BUF)   15 ) Alex Smith (KC)   16 ) Carson Wentz (DAL)   17 ) Dak Prescott (DAL)   18 ) Jay Cutler (MIA)   19 ) Carson Palmer (ARI)   20 ) Joe Flacco (BAL)   Top-40 Running Backs   1 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT)   2 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF)   3 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL)   4 ) Kareem Hunt (KC)   5 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC)   6 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA)   7 ) Ty Montgomery (GB)   8 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN)   9 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL)   10 ) Todd Gurley (LAR)   11 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK)   12 ) Mike Gillislee (NE)   13 ) Leonard Fournette (JAC)   14 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN)   15 ) Jordan Howard (CHI)   16 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR)   17 ) Jacquizz Rodgers (TB)   18 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE)   19 ) CJ Anderson (DEN)   20 ) Tarik Cohen (CHI)   21 ) Lamar Miller (HOU)   22 ) Mark Ingram (NO)   23 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ)   24 ) James White (NE)   25 ) Terrance West (BAL)   26 ) Jonathan Stewart (CAR)   27 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL)   28 ) Javorious Allen (BAL)   29 ) Thomas Rawls (SEA)   30 ) Carlos Hyde (SF)   31 ) Kerwynn Williams (ARI)   32 ) Robert Kelley (WAS)   33 ) Theo Riddick (DET)   34 ) LeGarrette Blount (PHI)   35 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET)   36 ) Alvin Kamara (NO)   37 ) Joe Mixon (CIN)   38 ) Jeremy Hill (CIN)   39 ) Adrian Peterson (NO)   40 ) Frank Gore (IND)   Top-50 Wide Receivers   1 ) Julio Jones (ATL)   2 ) Jordy Nelson (GB)   3 ) Mike Evans (TB)   4 ) Antonio Brown (PIT)   5 ) Amari Cooper (OAK)   6 ) Brandin Cooks (NE)   7 ) AJ Green (CIN)   8 ) Odell Beckham Jr. (NYG)   9 ) Keenan Allen (LAC)   10 ) Michael Thomas (NO)   11 ) Tyreek Hill (KC)   12 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA)   13 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU)   14 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI)   15 ) Demaryius Thomas (DEN)   16 ) Golden Tate (DET)   17 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN)   18 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK)   19 ) Dez Bryant (DAL)   20 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT)   21 ) Davante Adams (GB)   22 ) Devante Parker (MIA)   23 ) Kelvin Benjamin (CAR)   24 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS)   25 ) Jeremy Maclin (BAL)   26 ) Adam Thielen (MIN)   27 ) Randall Cobb (GB)   28 ) DeSean Jackson (TB)   29 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI)   30 ) Danny Amendola (NE)   31 ) Cooper Kupp (LAR)   32 ) Sammy Watkins (LAR)   33 ) Tyrell Williams (LAC)   34 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA)   35 ) Corey Coleman (CLE)   36 ) Corey Davis (TEN)   37 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS)   38 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN)   39 ) Pierre Garcon (SF)   40 ) TY Hilton (IND)   41 ) Ted Ginn (IND)   42 ) Chris Hogan (NE)   43 ) Eric Decker (TEN)   44 ) John Brown (ARI)   45 ) Nelson Agholor (PHI)   46 ) Kenny Golladay (DET)   47 ) Allen Hurns (JAC)   48 ) Rishard Matthews (TEN)   49 ) Paul Richardson (SEA)   50 ) Brandon Marshall (NYG)   Top-20 Tight Ends   1 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE)   2 ) Zach Ertz (PHI)   3 ) Jordan Reed (WAS)   4 ) Greg Olsen (CAR)   5 ) Travis Kelce (KC)   6 ) Martellus Bennett (GB)   7 ) Delanie Walker (TEN)   8 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA)   9 ) Kyle Rudolph (MIN)   10 ) Charles Clay (BUF)   11 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN)   12 ) Jared Cook (OAK)   13 ) Austin Hooper (ATL)   14 ) Jason Witten (DAL)   15 ) Julius Thomas (MIA)   16 ) Hunter Henry (LAC)   17 ) Coby Fleener (NO)   18 ) Benjamin Watson (BAL)   19 ) Cameron Brate (TB)   20 ) Zach Miller (CHI)   Top-15 Defenses   1 ) Seattle   2 ) Arizona   3 ) Baltimore   4 ) Oakland   5 ) Carolina   6 ) Houston   7 ) Denver   8 ) Pittsburgh   9 ) Los Angeles Rams   10 ) Philadelphia   11 ) Cincinnati   12 ) Jacksonville   13 ) Kansas City   14 ) New York Giants   15 ) Tampa Bay   Top-15 Kickers   1 ) Justin Tucker (BAL)   2 ) Stephen Gostkowski (NE)   3 ) Matt Bryant (ATL)   4 ) Giorgio Tavecchio (OAK)   5 ) Will Lutz (NO)   6 ) Blair Walsh (SEA)   7 ) Dan Bailey (DAL)   8 ) Mason Crosby (GB)   9 ) Cairo Santos (KC)   10 ) Graham Gano (CAR)   11 ) Younghoe Koo (LAC)   12 ) Brandon McManus (DEN)   13 ) Matt Prater (DET)   14 ) Dustin Hopkins (WAS)   15 ) Chris Boswell (PIT)  

The Bachelorette Episode 10 Fantasy Recap–The Merciful End

After a season that had its fair share of excitement, heartbreaking, and overwhelming douchiness, the Bachelorette takes us down the home stretch this week. With Bachelor in Paradise, starring (among others) Chad, Evan, and Daniel on the horizon, there is a lot to look forward to. Keep that in mind during the tougher moments tonight when you were seriously considering killing yourself because it would be better in some ways than watching this episode.

The setting?  Phuket, Thailand. As far as I know, this is not made up. They are actually in a place called Fuck-It. It’s like the producers are as disgusted with this group of idiots as I am. Jo Jo wakes up and says she feels so lucky and blessed. She is so thrilled to get engaged here. The camera slowly pans to the side. “Here” is the Phuket Marriott. Who wouldn’t be excited? I’ve heard they have free continental breakfast.

The theme of this episode, from very early on, seems to be trying to convince us that Jo Jo is going to pick Robby—which essentially assures us that Jordan will be the one she picks. Am I super insightful or has the show become that predictable? If we’re being honest, I am only insightful on an average level, so there’s your answer.

We get to see Jo Jo’s family, who made quite an impression during the last season of the Bachelor—her brothers for not liking Ben Higgins (hard to imagine why, he was only dating 3 women other than her at the time they met him) and her mother for drinking champagne straight from the bottle.

Jordan shows up first and meets everyone. He seems really manic, trying realy hard to be the life of the party. At one point he gives some of them funny hats—but not too funny. He tells the camera he wants to ask for her father’s blessing. The mom says he seems genuine, which makes me wonder if she is tranqued up or somethin, because genuine is essentially the opposite of what he seems to me. The brothers do not seem to like him but they don’t come out and say this to him or Jo Jo.

The dad talks to Jordan about Jo Jo having trust issues. Jordan kind of makes this all about him by mentioning he has been “damaged” too, although if you believe every source that is out there, he was the one who did the damaging. He didn’t ask Jo Jo’s father for permission to marry her, which is odd since she had let him know was important to her and he had also made a big point of saying how important it was to him.

Robby shows up the next day with a big ass bouquet of flowers. Robby says he can’t wait to ask her father for permission to marry her. The family asks him what he likes about Jo Jo. His answers are all boring but he comes off as very nice. Mom describes him as a gentleman. Jo Jo says he makes her feel adored. The brother tells her he seems like a great guy. The other one tells her she’s not picking a New Years Eve date here (Jordan). They use words to describe choosing Robby like “logical”.

Robby wants to ask Jo Jo’s father for permission to marry her—but he brings the mom in as a part of it because this is 2016 and if that woman can drink champagne straight from the bottle and show her ankles in public, she is entitled to at least be in the room when her daughter’s future is decided. He, of course, gets the blessing.

Jo Jo’s father is choked up later and cries, which would cost him 5 fantasy points if anyone had drafted him. He has nothing to cry about. On a scale of 1-10, he is objectively a 2, yet somehow he has produced Jo Jo and 2 sons who remind me of Ted Cruz. Life is good.

The brothers clearly like Robby. The mom and dad, too. It comes out that Jordan didn’t ask the parents for Jo Jo’s hand. Jo Jo acts like that’s a huge deal, but you can tell it’s the type of huge deal she would be willing to forgive as long as someone would just feed her spoonful after spoonful of piping hot horse shit about it. The brother calls her on protecting Jordan and being defensive. He asks if that’s because she wants to end up with Jordan (yes). Actually these are fairly insightful questions, although I admit the bar is low in this area on the Bachelor as a franchise.

Shockingly, Jo Jo starts crying. She is so stressed out right now (direct quote). It seems like the whole family likes Robby more, but Jo Jo is basically saying she likes Jordan more but is afraid he’ll cheat on her—which would appear to be a very valid concern.

They each get to go on 1 more date with her. Do they get to have sex again since they’ve already consummated the relationships? If not, these dates would almost seem to be a step back for each of them.

She sees Robby first. I hate her voice so much. Robby starts telling her about how he envisions their lives together and it’s very sweet but she would be melting all over Jordan right now if he were saying stuff even 10% this nice. She says, “I… Trust You So Much”. Which is exactly what every man wants to hear.

Jo Jo’s just not all in on their interactions, and you can tell. Robby is. He gives her a series of gifts each representing some significant moment of their time together. She keeps saying all these very nice, flattering things about him without ever actually saying she wants to be with him specifically or anything.

Now for Jordan. She clearly loves him but is playing coy and reserved now. I hate Jordan’s hair so much. They go out on some pirate-looking ship. They make out a little (+3). She is just so desperate to be showered with compliments.

They go kayaking through some caves and shit. It’s pretty cool looking.

Jo Jo asks him what’s going on in his head and he repeats the question which he does all the time. He is just feeding her piles and piles of the exact horse shit I alluded to earlier. He talks about wanting to ask her father for permission to marry her. In fact, he says he grew up all his life fantasizing about asking the father of the woman he loved for his blessing to marry her. REALLY?! Well that makes one of us, buddy. Who the fuck fantasizes about their possible future father in law as a young boy? She tells him she’s disappointed in him that he didn’t ask when she had the chance. He is clearly going to call the family or something before the big day. She still really wants to pick him.

Jordan says if it were up to him, he’d be down on one knee. I had been under the impression it was up to him, but what do I know? Jo Jo the princess wants to be told flat out that he’s going to be faithful forever and they will be together forever.

Later that evening, they get together and she “has all these doubts” … AGAIN. Jordan just comes off as completely disingenuous. They keep talking about how they’re scared of certain things. He keeps talking about how he wants it to be 100% for her. He’s so full of shit, but she sucks, so she deserves it.

My wife says (as Jordan) “well I can’t tell you what you want to hear, but I can make this kind of pathetic face where I bite my lip that always works with other women”.   Jo Jo seems to really want to make sure both guys are 100% all in so she has a 100% chance of just absolutely devastating someone in a couple days.

Both guys pick out rings. Boring—I fast forward on the DVR. Jordan writes her a note that looks like it was written by a 6 year old, and tells her he contacted her parents (of course). Jo Jo cries (of course). Robby writes her a note too (of course). She cries over that one too, but only because she knows she’s going to dump him in a few minutes.

Robby walks up and she is just not happy to see him at all and is crying and is obviously about to break up with him. He has GOT to be able to read this, but for some reason he does not appear to and just starts spilling his guts and she’s not even smiling at him. And yet, he has to be figuring she isn’t so cruel as to actually let him talk like this if she’s just about to dump him.

Eventually, after he has said enough to adequately convey how much being dumped right now—after he has declared his love for her, had her meet his family, met her family, gotten the blessing of her family to marry her, picked out an engagement ring, gotten all dressed up, and spent God knows how many nights in the Phuket Marriott—will hurt—she stops him. He is understandably stunned. She tells him she’s in love with him, which I’m sure is a nice consolation prize. She says, “I know you’ll love me to the day that you die”. Well, maybe he would’ve, but I kind of doubt he still will. She says she really wanted it to be him. Oh, cruel fate. I have grown to really hate Jo Jo over the course of this season.

Robby is at least close to crying, and I was a little in and out during his exit. Out of respect to him and his family, and because it will not affect the final standings of our Bachelorette fantasy league, I will assume he did not.

I don’t even need to see the Jordan proposal because I hate them both so much, but I’ll do it because I am a professional. Not much to report. Jordan’s hair is super high. His speech sounds rehearsed. He says Jo Jo is his best friend, which if it is true is pathetic because he’s only known her a few weeks. She tells him he loves her. He gets down on one knee and proposes. She accepts.

Everyone may commence vomiting now. It has been a fun season, even if I want to claw my eyes out right now.  Do yourselves a favor and watch Paradise tonight; the editing on the commercial makes it look like Chad puts Evan in the hospital.

Final Fantasy Points Recap

Alex – (20 points total)

Ali – (4 points total)

Brandon – (5 points total)

Chad – (15 points total, but captured our imaginations)

Chase – (58 points total)

Christian – (4 points total)

Coley – (0 points total)

Daniel – (9 points total)

Derek – (13 points total)

Evan – (2 points total)

Grant – (11 points total)

Jake – (0 points total)

James F. – (6 points total)

James S. – (2 points total)

James Taylor – (20 points total)

Jonathan – (8 points total, based mostly on flashing his dick eating a kilt)

Jordan – 23 points (116 points total)

Luke – (46 points total)

Nick B. – (7 points total)

Nick S. – (3 points total)

Peter – (0 points total)

Robby – 3 points (90 points total)

Sal – (0 points total)

Vinny – (0 points total)

Wells – (20 points total)

Will – (-2 points total)

RSJ Fantasy League Final Standings

Team 5 – 139 points

Here For the Wrong Reasons (My Team) – 124 points

Wake Me Up Before You Jo Jo (Bill’s Team) – 83 points

Harrison’s Grin (The Wolf’s Team) – 46 points

Team 4 (My Wife’s Team) – 39 points

Fletcher Fun – 20 points

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