Player Stock Ticker
The Midseason Big Board is HERE! Share your thoughts now!    

Top Moments From Bachelor in Paradise (Episode 1) Return of Chad

I promised myself, my wife, and one of my co-workers at the Roto Street Journal that I wouldn’t write about this season of Bachelor in Paradise.  It’s not that anyone was displeased with my work–in truth, everyone seems to like it–but we are really trying to get a good podcast done, and I’m the resident podcast expert right now.  I just don’t have the time to do full blown write-ups like I did for this season of the Bachelorette.

With that said… watching that out of control, tropical storm of a show was an awful lot of fun.  It was very difficult for me not to be writing the whole time–there was just so much material.  This is a truly great cast, and they deserve a little attention and some accolades.  So instead of a full on article, I’m just going to give you some bullet points mentioning my favorite moments.  I hope you enjoy reading this, and I welcome your favorites as well if you think I missed a good one.

  • When Lace was talking about all the changes she’s made since she was on the Bachelor.  To drive this point home, they show her throwing away several EMPTY wine bottles.  If they had shown her emptying bottles of wine down the sink, that would be different.  To me, this does little to convince me that she is no longer a drunk–just that every now and then she throws away trash.  Trash created by being a drunk.
  • Daniel (who is just great TV) saying he is like herpes, because he won’t go away.  But, he adds, “it’s treatable now, right?  So it’s OK,” or something like that.
  • Jubilee saying, “Oh, it’s the penis guy” when Evan showed up.
  • The entire edit of Chad’s entrance–Jurassic Park/T-Rex style.  Very nice.
  • How excited Daniel was to see Chad.  If they were dogs, he definitely would’ve been sniffing Chad’s butt.  Actually, since it’s Daniel, I’d say no worse than 50/50 that he’ll do it anyway.
  • Izzy (who I do not remember at all) saying she is “really serious about this process because of all the success stories”.  This makes her seem like one of those people who sits right outside 7-11 scratching a hundred lottery tickets because they saw some guy in Tennessee won a million dollars.  I don’t want to burst Izzy’s bubble, but I think there have probably been 40-50 people on Paradise over the past 2 seasons.  2 couples got married.  1 of those 2 (Marcus and whoever he married) just filed for divorce after about a year of marriage.  The other one (Tanner and Jade) has been married maybe a year.  So even if you describe getting divorced after a year “success”, there just are not that many success stories.  Sorry, Izzy.
  • Evan going through Chad’s bag and finding a meat scale.  It’s like Chad was anticipating having to weigh huge slabs of beef or something.  This isn’t a scale for lunch meat.  Lunch meat will say 12 ounces or whatever on the package.  This is a scale for someone who has somehow acquired a hunk of loose meat and needs to know exactly how much it weighs before he consumes it.  It’s a specialty item.
  • The fact that Lace IS the Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party from Saturday Night Live.  Cecily Strong plays the aforementioned girl, and she is maybe my favorite SNL character in the past 5-10 years.  If you have not watched this character, you need to check her out because A) she is hilarious and B) she is Lace.

tumblr_mf4b7hcWxy1r2orvvo1_500

  • Daniel leering at Chad and Lace fooling around in the pool. If you found out Daniel paid couples to have sex while he watched them from, say, the bushes, you have to admit you wouldn’t be that shocked.
  • After what seemed like hours of mutual verbal and physical abuse between Chad and Lace, Chad tells Lace he would duct tape her and throw her under a bus and that she would smell like peppermint. For reasons unclear to me, THIS was the thing that really got Lace offended. I’m not sure if it was the implied abduction, the implied murder, or the implied pleasant smell that finally set her off.
  • Lace says everyone is so “nice and genuous”. See the earlier post I made about Lace and the character she resembles on SNL. This is EXACTLY something that character would say. Seriously, if Cecily Strong is reading this post, use the word “genuous”. You write great stuff, but nothing better than that.
  • Chad tells Daniel he’ll murder everyone there. Let’s face it—we all knew he was thinking about it. It was just refreshing to hear him come out and say it directly instead of dancing around the issue.
  • Chad talked repeatedly about getting “unmurdered” and acting “unmurderly”. To be fair, he had probably had 30-35 drinks at this point. It was maybe the drunkest I’ve ever seen anyone on TV who wasn’t on Cops. Once I saw a guy fall out of a tree on Cops that seemed drunker than Chad. And one time on Cops I saw a guy get pulled over and the officer asked him if he’d been drinking and he said he had been. Then the officer asked him how many beers he’d had, and the guy said, “about… seventy”. He also seemed drunker than Chad.  By a little.
drunk-idiot-plays-with-cops-and-gets-tazed

This guy was probably not as drunk as Chad.

  • Daniel telling Chad he had a better chance making out with a turtle that night than a girl.
  • When a crab was trying to burrow into Chad’s head after he passed out.
  • When Chad yelled Fuck You to Chris Harrison. That guy has been coasting for too long and it’s about time someone called him out on it.

So there you have it.  Chad of course has been kicked off, but obviously the producers are going to let him come back and raise hell first.  Tune in next week.  Even without Chad, this cast of characters (Daniel, Lace, Nick V., Jubilee, Ashley I., Evan, etc.) is not going to disappoint.     –The Truth

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.