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The Bachelor 2017: Episode 4 Fantasy Recap

We open up with what seems to be a slightly flustered Nick Viall.  Vanessa has called him on his behavior with Corinne—behavior that she deems to be unacceptable as far as reality dating show TV behavior goes.  Nick asks her to be a little patient and gives fairly vague, pre-packaged answers about how he needs her to tell him when he isn’t acting right.  Based on these interactions, Vanessa now thinks Corinne is getting sent home.  This makes me think Vanessa is maybe a little dumber than I originally thought, as I see no reason to draw that conclusion.

All of a sudden, Chris Harrison appears in a cloud of grey smoke and the rose ceremony is afoot.  Corinne of course is asleep somewhere while this conversation takes place.  Taylor and Sarah basically come to where Corinne is sleeping and talk to her like they are her friends and care about her.  They tell her she needs to pull it together—probably because they care about her so much and want her to be successful in the competition.  One of them tells her she is coming off as entitled.  She bristles at this and tells them she is “not privileged in any way, shape, or form,” which is probably true except for the nanny and a few other things.  Corinne confesses to the camera that she thinks they are obsessed with her.

“You do you!”  She says, defiantly.  “You do you!  Imma do me!”

Taylor talks about Nick running the risk of losing other women if Corinne stays.  This is such a lie.  Nick could show up at the rose ceremony bare chested with swastikas tattooed all over him and a copy of Mein Kampf tucked under his arm and not one of these women would even think of heading towards the door.  Maybe Vanessa—but I’d bet good money that when Corinne gets the last rose, Vanessa stays put.  The fact that the cameras don’t generally come with you when you leave the show will keep all these fame whores in line, rest assured.

ROSE CEREMONY

 With Danielle L., Rachel, and Vanessa already safe, the rest of the women teeter on the delicate edge between totally irrelevance and remaining part of a harem belonging to a pathetic douchebag who happens to be on TV.  Needless to say, tensions run high.

Raven, Taylor, Whitney, Kristina, Jasmine, Shark Girl, Astrid, Danielle M., Jaimi, Josephine, Sarah, and… Corinne get the roses!  Each of these lucky ladies receives 3 fantasy points and gets to humiliate themselves for a minimum of another week in front of the nation.  Some of them will even get the opportunity to do ads for various snake oil-like products on their Instagram pages.  Their tickets have been punched.

On the other far more tragic side of the coin, Brittany and Christen go home.  They both cry on the way out, costing their unfortunate fantasy owners 2 points each.  We do get the treat of hearing Brittany talk a couple times—she kind of sounds like comedian Stephen Wright.  I regret that she did not have more monologues throughout her time on the show.  Their departures come as no great shock to me, as I had them ranked #13 (Brittany) and #17 (Christen) on my power rankings going into the episode.

Josephine, who has managed to hang around for another week somehow, seems to be making a conscious effort to look just a little bit more like a man every week to see how far she can go before Nick gets rid of her.  If it ends up being revealed at the end that she is really Jared Leto or someone and is researching a role, her continued presence would make a lot more sense.

Corinne takes the time to make a kind of toast to the group and tells them how lucky she feels to be there and it’s a great opportunity to find love, so cheers to that.  She is clearly trying to get under their skin at this point, and mission accomplished.  Many of the other women are seething but of course they don’t say anything because they are all basically chicken shit.

A cold wind blows through the house, and the women cover their faces to shield themselves.  When they uncover themselves and dare to look, Chris Harrison is there.  He tells them that their journey to find true love with Nick is going to “literally take them all around the globe”.  And what better place to start than… Milwaukee, Wisconsin!!!!!

A couple of things about this stunning announcement:

  1. All the women feign excitement. And while it is true that for someone like Raven, traveling to Milwaukee is like visiting Paris, most of the women were undoubtedly disappointed when they found out they would be visiting the armpit of Wisconsin instead of anywhere else on the planet.
  2. Saying they were going to Milwaukee was actually not really true. They actually end up going to Waukesha, Wisconsin—Nick’s home town.  It’s a lot like Milwaukee, but without all the great culture Milwaukee is known for.  This whole bait and switch would be like telling someone they were going to Miami, but actually taking them to one of those other Florida trailer park towns where it’s legal to just follow black people and shoot them if they wear hooded sweatshirts, look at you funny or if you are just bored.

We arrive in Nick’s hometown a little later and meet his parents.  If you have been watching the Bachelor much lately you probably remember Nick’s parents, as they have been on multiple times before.  His mom looks like Kristen Wiig playing a drunk older woman character who is trying DESPERATELY not to look old.  The dad looks like a serial killer who has a quiet, unassuming white collar job so you’d never suspect there are bodies stacked up five deep in his basement.  They just want Nick to be happy.  Blah, blah, blah.

The mob of women walk through this nothing little town and encounter Nick in a park or something.  He announces a 1 on 1 date with… Danielle L. (+2).  He immediately whisks her away and leaves the other 14 women just kind of standing there looking stupid in the park.

How surprised am I that Nick picked Danielle L. to be his date on his trip to his home town?  Zero.  Nick is clearly thrilled to be walking down the street of a small town where he might possibly run into someone he knows with one of the absolute hottest women anyone has ever laid eyes on by his side.  And if they just so happen to run into anyone he knows… well, that would probably be OK.

They go to a bakery and start making their own cookies.  They make out (+1) and dab frosting off each other’s faces because if you are on a date on a TV dating show and have access to frosting, you are legally obligated to dab it on each other’s faces.

Afterwards, they are walking around and see an ”ex” of Nick’s having coffee or something in the in the window of a shop.  For some reason, they sit down with her and chat.  Her name is Amber.  She dated Nick for like 3 months a really long time ago.  It seems super staged.  The awkwardness is outweighed by the sense of pride that Nick is feeling by having Danielle L. sitting next to him.

Now they are in Waukesha’s famous Lowell Park.  It is raining.  Without straining too much, you can hear people jumping off buildings in the distance, swallowed up by pitiless depression.  Nick and Danielle L. are telling each other about their first kisses and other boring stuff.  My wife makes the comment that someone like her would never go out with someone like him in real life.  True story.

Now they are at a bar later at night and Nick is wearing the same grey t-shirt and brownish red leather jacket he has been wearing on TV for 3 years.  They are chatting, he says he thinks there is a lot more to her—what, I wonder?  He wants to know if she has any obvious flaws.  She says her parents are divorced.  This is like Danielle M. but the low calorie version.

Quick Recap of the Danielles and their Respective Baggage

  • Danielle M. found her fiancee’s dead body after he died of a drug overdose. She was not even aware he used drugs.
  • Danielle L.’s parents got divorced when she was 17.

Now they talk about divorce for a while, because they really have nothing to talk about.  The conversation is extremely strained, which does not seem to bother either of them at all.  Nick is completely hung up on how hot she is, and she is enjoying being on TV.  To be fair, Danielle L. does not seem like a bad person or anything, but beyond being an absolute 10 she does not seem to be bringing a ton to the table.

Nick announces that she has “so many qualities he wants in a wife”.  He does not elaborate on this, but I assume being drop dead gorgeous is one of those qualities. He gives her a rose (+3).  They make out again (+1).

Now, just to sweeten the pot, Nick tells her he has another experience lined up for her.  He refers to it as a “bucket list thing”.  What possible “bucket list thing” could you set up in Waukesha, Wisconsin?  Well, let me tell you:

He takes her out the door and into a screaming crowd.  Chris Lane… yes the Chris Lane… is performing on stage!!!!!!  They make out and dance.  And if you think I don’t know who Chris Lane is, you’re wrong.  I love him and all those songs he does.  That one album of his… it was just really top drawer stuff.  Nick was so right about the bucket list comment.  Seeing Chris Lane on TV was actually on my bucket list, right after shoving an entire jar of pickled eggs up my ass.  So now I can die in peace.  Thank you, ABC.

Back at the House

Danielle M. answers a knocking at the door.  There is a card on a table that she snatches up and reads to the group.

It is, of course, the group date card.  Rachel, Alexis, Vanessa, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Astrid, Taylor, Josephine, Daneille M, and Corinne will be attending this group date.  This leaves Raven as the recipient of the next 1 on 1 date (+2).  Corinne angrily twirls her hair in response to this.

Group Date

For their group date, the women travel to a dairy farm.  They see and smell poop everywhere.  Corinne does not want to be on the group date.  She says she wants to be in a spa being fed a chicken taco.  Don’t we all, darling?  The women walk into a barn and see Nick feeding a little cow from a baby bottle.  Nick has clearly never been on a farm before.

They are basically going to do chores on this date.  They are going to (among other things) feed cows hay, milk cows, and shovel pile upon pile of cow shit.  Corinne expresses that she does not want to do farm chores (and I have to admit, I don’t blame her) and she is glad she didn’t “wear designer today”.   She says she wouldn’t even make her nanny Raquel do farm chores.  She says Raquel is better than farm chores… because she “works for me”.

At some point, during a weather warning on TV, I have heard Jaimi made fun of how Nick was dealing with the cow teats.  Good for her–although Nick has had a lot of sex, no one has ever accused him of being very good.

Corinne says this is the worst date she has ever been on, and that she wants sushi.  As much as I would like to lay into Corinne, who seems like an awful person, if I were on a date with 14 other men who were vying for the attention of the same woman I liked and the activity for the afternoon was shoveling cow shit, I think it would probably be the worst date I had ever been on too.  Full disclosure: this part seemed very scripted.

Eventually Corinne goes and sits out.  The other women are appalled, but it actually seems like not a bad course of action.  It’s not like you are guaranteed a rose if you shovel shit well, and it’s not like you go home if you don’t shovel shit.

Now, Nick is talking to a few of the women post-dairy farm chores.  Kristina wants to tell him about her bringing up in the gulag, and he is like sure I want to hear it, but I can’t now.  They make out (+1).

Vanessa and Nick have some time alone, and she presents him with a book made by her co-workers and students.  Nick pretends he cares about this gesture.  I’d say there is a pretty good chance Nick will have a very meaningful relationship with Vanessa’s students moving forward.  They make out (+1).

Corinne decides to confront the other women.  She seems to be coming unhinged to some degree.  She also seems drunk, but I have not seen alcohol served so I think she has a secret flask somewhere.  She tells the all that she knows she may not be everyone’s favorite person, but if they have a problem with her she should talk to them (she definitely seems like she appreciates feedback).

Sarah asks her if she thinks she is ready to marry a 36 year old man.  Throwing a little shade, she tells Corinne she and the other women are definitely going to be up for this rose ceremony (shade).  Corinne apologizes… for sleeping.  She is indignant that she is having to defend herself to this crowd of lesser women.

“Michael Jordan took naps,” she wisely points out.  “Abraham Lincoln took naps.”   I know, I know.  The parallels between Corinne and Abraham Lincoln are staggering.  You know who else probably took the occasional nap though?  Hitler.  I’m pretty sure he had people lick whipped cream off his tits sometimes, too.  So let’s not go there.

Sarah says she would do anything, including stepping through shit to be there—an obvious reference to Corinne sitting out during the dairy farm date.  Corinne said she would too but she somehow “lost the use of her fingers and almost had to go to the hospital”.  Corinne really wants to move on from this topic.  She tells the camera she loves everyone.

Rachel is now talking to Nick.  Nick tells her she’s “doing great” like she’s a performing dog.  He tells her he’ll be very patient with her.  He’s such a good guy.  The make out a little (+1).  Rachel is way too good for Nick.

Kristina (who I love) then tells Corinne she’s “maybe not there for the right reasons” (-2).  She talks to her like about when she was in gulag how things were hard.  They are beating the Corinne horse to death, but I am enjoying hearing Kristina rake her over the coals.  The women feel the tide turning and they smell blood.  Kristina then tells her she hides from stuff, whereas she (Kristina) confronts directly, like “Lenin in 1917 Revolution”.  Corinne says she had a panic attack and that’s why she missed the rose ceremony that time.  Kristina, unwilling to let her off the hook, tells her all she would have to do is stand there.  Corinne, who wanted to be let off the hook, storms off.

When Corinne talks to Nick, she tells him she had a lot of fun on the date.  When they part company, they do not kiss.

Nick gives the rose to Kristina (+3).  Corinne, surprisingly, is not happy.

1 on 1 Date

Raven says if she could have a 1 on 1 date anywhere in the world, it would be here.  Really?  In Waukesha, Wisconsin?  What about Topeka, Kansas?  What about Little Rock?  What about anywhere in Deleware???  They don’t even have sales tax there!!!

They go to a soccer field.  A cute little girl who is maybe 10 years old or so runs up and hugs him and hugs Raven too.  It is his sister, Bella.  If you are thinking that it seems odd that he has a 10 year old sister, I had the same thought.  He could literally be her father.  They stretch and practice with her soccer team and then they watch the game for a while.  He keeps stressing to Raven what a realistic date this is for him, even though you can tell this has never happened before.

Nick’s parents are there.  It is kind of awkward.  ABC then pays the other little girls to ease up and Bella scores a staged looking goal.  The crowd goes wild.

Afterwards, they go roller skating.  Again, I want to be clear that any person who saw them there together would assume Nick was Bella’s father.  Nick keeps gliding by on skates as Raven and Bella talk.  The whole scene makes me uncomfortable, as Bella really seems to like her but Raven is 1 of 15 women vying to be Nick’s fiancée.  Now they (Nick and Raven) make out (+1) which is pretty classy when you are at a roller rink with your kid sister.

Now Raven and Nick are on the latter part of their date—the part without little kids.  They chat in the middle of a huge room at a small table that seems very out of place.  Raven has not had good past relationships, she says.  She walked in on her boyfriend cheating on her.  She got a tip from a woman that her boyfriend was going to sleep with another woman and she “sped all the way to Little Rock and kicked open his door, like spider monkey fast”.  She caught them in the act.  She mentioned that she knows what the other woman’s vagina looks like.  She threw him off of her and started swinging.  She picked up the woman’s high heeled shoe off the floor and started beating him in the head with it.  Nick quickly points out he hasn’t ever cheated and immediately gives her a rose (+3).  They make out (+1).  Not quite a love theme playing, but whatever.  She looks at the camera and says she is falling in love with Nick.

Pre-Rose Ceremony

As we prepare for the rose ceremony, there is clearly a lot of foreshadowing of a problem between Taylor and Corinne.  OK, we’re waiting, bitches.

The rose ceremony is announced, but you can tell we won’t get to see it tonight—there’s not enough time.  Danielle L. steals Nick away first.

Taylor objects to Danielle L. doing this and starts complaining to anyone who will listen.  This makes Taylor look like a whiny bitch—just kind of a pain in the ass.  Jaimi says she wouldn’t jump in first if she had a rose, which is an easy thing for her to say because there is absolutely no danger of that ever happening.

Meanwhile, Danielle L. and Nick make out (+1).  Taylor goes and interrupts them after a lot of talk and letting the other women gas her up.  They make out (+1) but Taylor has a kind of awkward making out style—not awkward like Ashley I. from a couple seasons back, but still pretty awkward.

Back with the group, Corinne says Taylor is gross.  Jospehine Jared Leto now talks shit with Corinne about Taylor.  Corinne just comes right out and says that Taylor is not there for the right reasons (-2).  Josephine is just kissing Corinne’s ass right now and egging her on.  Corinne is drunk and goes and confronts Taylor.

Corinne tells her she’s not going to be fake to her.  She says Taylor hurt her feelings.  Taylor rambles some pseudo intellectual mumbo jumbo and then questions Corinne’s intelligence and maturity levels.  She then explains in great detail what intelligence is—possibly so Corinne will understand the advanced concepts she is throwing at her.  Corinne tells her she’s treating her like she is an idiot (which she is, and which she deserves).  Taylor (throwing shade) says she is not understanding any of this.  Corinne says she isn’t an idiot, she runs a multi-million dollar company (which I do not think is true, and which if and when it is true will be due to inheritance—so she’s not an idiot the same way Paris Hilton is not an idiot).  Corinne says Taylor is like the shit she scooped in her shovel earlier (but I kind of think she didn’t actually scoop any shit in her shovel so that’s an empty insult).

She then announces that she wants to punch Taylor in the face.  I smell a 2 on 1 date.

To be continued…

Fantasy Scoring Summary

Alexis: 3 points (rose)

Astrid: 3 points (rose)

Brittany: -2 points (crying)

Christen: -2 points (crying)

Corinne: 1 point (rose, saying someone is there for the wrong reasons)

Danielle L.: 8 points (1 on 1 date, making out x 3, rose)

Danielle M.: 3 points (rose)

Jaimi: 3 points (rose)

Jasmine: 3 points (rose)

Josephine: 3 points (rose)

Kristina: 5 points (rose x 2, making out, saying someone is there for the wrong reasons)

Rachel: 1 points (making out)

Raven: 10 points (1 on 1 date, rose x 2, making out x 2)

Sarah: 3 points (rose)

Taylor: 4 points (rose, making out)

Vanessa: 1 point (making out)

Whitney: 3 points (rose)

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