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The Bachelor 2017: Episode 5 Fantasy Recap

Episode 5 begins by throwing us right back into the spat between Taylor “I Have Extremely High Emotional Intelligence” Nolan and Corinne “I Am A Spoiled Drunk Millionaire” Olympios.

Taylor talks down to Corinne big time.  It’s not like Corinne doesn’t deserve it, but for all Taylor’s alleged book smarts, you would be a fool to ever go to her for any sort of professional counseling. She clearly has no life experience and has convinced herself that Nick Viall (and the public in general, I guess) is going to find someone who regurgitates psychobabble from Wikipedia attractive.  She is sorely mistaken—she comes off as such an annoying loser and is managing to make a really unappealing rival seem almost bearable.

Corinne masterfully fires a shot across Taylor’s bow and suggests that “a lot of people” don’t think she’s there for the right reasons.  Yes, Corinne (-2) loses 2 fantasy points for uttering this slogan, but it was worth it.  Although Taylor maintains her pathetic, calm and collected façade, she is clearly rattled by this Mean Girl 101 behavior.

Taylor is now on the defensive a little.  Corinne continues her diatribe and tells her she has a “stank face” all the time.  Taylor is like, “I’m not going to go into a room and just announce ‘good morning’ to everyone, because that would be fake.”  Corinne, in another great answer, says, “No that’s not what we want.”  This was subtle but brilliant, because by just sliding in the word “we”, Corinne is presenting herself like she is some sort of representative of the people.  Corinne is bee-bopping and scatting all over Taylor.

Now Corinne continues her text book Mean Girl approach and goes up to Nick and tells him she’s scared “because she cares about him”.  She totally snitches on Taylor (-2), losing another 2 fantasy points.  She says girls are “feeling weird about Taylor”.  She then tells Nick that Taylor is not there for the right reasons.  Nick says he appreciates it and then makes out with Corinne to drive that point home (+1).  He then tells her to “keep showing that maturity”.

Following this conversation, Corinne is rejoicing because she screwed Taylor over.  She announces, “#winning”, and then yells “bye bitch!”  Corinne, much like Vanessa last week, clearly thinks now Taylor is going home because of this conversation.  Just like last week, I strongly suspect she is wrong about this—these women seem to grossly overestimate the weight that one complaining conversation will have on this moron.

Rose Ceremony

We finally get down to business and settle in for the rose ceremony.  You can actually see their fucking breath and they seem miserable .  It looks freezing—nothing like a nice outdoor rose ceremony in Wisconsin to get everyone bought into the process.

Nick chats with Chris Harrison just before the festivities.  It is revealed that 2 women will be going home.  Nick, who has a few great lines in this episode, refers to the group as “mature women” in this conversation.  The camera cuts away from Chris Harrison as he says this, as he almost certainly doubled over in laughter when these words were uttered.

Danielle L., Kristina and Raven are safe going into the ceremony, having earned their roses last episode by looking hot, shoveling manure, and chatting with a 10 year old girl respectively.

Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Jaimi, Josephine, Vanessa, Shark Girl, Corinne… and Taylor get roses and 3 fantasy points each.  Taylor has a stank face both before and after she gets the rose.  We get a quick shot Corinne swirling wine and yelling at the camera, pissed that Taylor is still around.

Astrid and Sarah do not receive roses and will be going home.  Sarah cries (-2) and laments about not knowing how she is ever going to find love (because this is really the only way I’ve ever heard of anyone falling in love).  Astrid must have maintained her dignity because she received no facetime afterwards.  She takes her breasts and leaves with her head held high.

Following Sarah and Astrid departing, Nick gathers the remaining 13 women.  In a delicious play on words, he announces that he is “pretty jazzed” about where they were going next… New Orleans.  You know, because New Orleans is known for its jazz scene?  No wonder these women are so smitten with him.

New Orleans

Alexis, who has not been talking about dolphins anywhere near as much as any of us would like lately, announces that she likes “gators, grits and a good time”.  Then she shakes her tits to kick off our New Orleans adventure.

Chris Harrison announces there will be 3 dates this week—a 1 on 1 date, a group date, and a 2 on 1 (loser goes home) date.  He also manages to say the word “y’all” because he is in New Orleans.  He comes off as totally authentic.

The 1 on 1 date card goes to Rachel (+2).

1 on 1 Date

Rachel and Nick make out to kick off the date (+1) which is always a great way to start things.  They are at some market.  Despite the fact that she is willing to kiss Nick Viall, Rachel comes across as much smarter than pretty much all the other women involved in this fiasco.

A walking jazz band comes up to them and they start to dance in the street.  They seem to be doing well, and are enjoying themselves.  As a side note, if I ever had a band approach my wife in the street and then expected her to dance in public, she would A) not do it and B) murder me once we got home.  The other women can see them from the hotel window.  Jasmine especially seems jealous.

Later at night, they are around all these Mardi Gras floats and Nick asks about her family.  Her father is a federal judge in Dallas.  It is established Nick would have to call him “sir”.  He talks about being nervous to ask another father about marriage, having done it before.  Nick tells Rachel he is “super into her” and gives her a rose (+3).

The Hotel

The group date card arrives with the note attached: “Til death do us part”

Josephine, Kristina, Shark Girl, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. will be going on this date.  But wait a minute, that means that in a fiendish twist that I assure you nobody saw coming, Taylor and Corinne will be going on the 2 on 1 date later!  I tell you, this show keeps you on your toes.

Group Date

Hillbilly music plays and the pack of desperate women go to the Houmas House, which is an old plantation.  Nick is in front of a big, gorgeous white house.  He asks them who believes in  ghosts.  I didn’t see Kristina raise her hand, because she is way harder than any of these other losers, but it looked like everyone else did.  Anyway, it is a haunted house.

They start things of with some mint julips.  The caretaker, who is creepy and would clearly end up being the bad guy if this were an episode of Scooby Doo, gives them a little background on the Houmas House.  Basically there’s an 8 year old ghost of a girl named May who died a long time ago of yellow fever.  I know—hilarious, right?

Jasmine proclaims that it’s all stupid and May the Ghost doesn’t exist.  The caretaker shows them a sheet covering a statue or something and very clearly tells them not to touch it because it makes the ghost mad if you do.  He also takes them to her room and tells them not to touch her doll or her other stuff in the room.  Jasmine touches her stuff defiantly because at least in my experience, whether you believe in ghosts or not, it’s always classy to mock the memory of a dead child.  Trust me on this—people love that.

Being a completely spontaneous crowd, they bust out a Ouija board and go to town.  They ask if May is here and it moves to yes.  Then, the lights go out.  They are all creeped out.  Nick takes 2 girls up to the dead girl’s room, because if you are in a haunted house and the lights unexpectedly go out, it is just common sense to move to ground zero.  Of course, her doll is gone.

Jasmine is continuing to poo-poo the whole experience as Nick takes them through the house guided by a dim, flickering lantern.  Jasmine goes up and touches one of the things they were expressly told not to touch and a chandelier falls.  A couple of the other women walk around and a chair moves and a rocking horse rocks.  Jasmine now announces that she believes in ghosts.

Meanwhile, Nick talks with Danielle L., taking a break from the ghost activity inside.  She tells him she could see herself falling in love with him.  They make out (+1).

Danielle M. and Nick then take a little walk and chat.  He tickles her repeatedly.  They make out for the first time since Episode 2 (+1) as a love theme plays.

Nick then talks to Raven, who kind of lets it slip that she has fallen in love with him.  I did not see them kiss after this, which is never a good sign.  It is reminiscent of the time on Friends when Ross told Emily he loved her and she responded by saying, “thank you”.

Nick ends up giving the rose to Danielle M. (+3).  Raven is bummed since she told him she loved him (of course), but she’s just clearly in over her head at this point.

2 on 1 Date

Taylor and Corinne ride awkwardly in the limo together to an unknown location in the bayou.  A redneck boat picks them up.  Taylor says she is not worried at all; she says she’ll take the high road and will be fine.

Taylor talks about her master’s degree and her high level of emotional intelligence and how Corinne is a manipulative bitch.  She says if Nick picks Corinne, he’s thinking with his dick — which I assumed was a given all along.

In the woods, they encounter a voodoo priestess.  She is not what I would expect a voodoo priestess to be—mainly because she is white.  She introduces them to a reader of tarot cards.  It is another white lady.  The card reader, who has definitely not been fed any information by the producers of the show, says it feels tense so she wants to do the women’s readings one at a time.  She wants to read Taylor’s cards first, so Nick and Corinne go off walking.

Corinne says that Taylor is a “big, mean swamp monster”.

The card reader says that Taylor is in touch with her feelings, but says there’s a toxic nasty person around her who can be cutting with her words.  The reader tells her not to engage—that there will be a reckoning.  Again, and I cannot stress this enough—the card reader has definitely not been fed any information by the show’s producers.  This is all just pure, white voodoo magic.

Corinne snitches to Nick (-2) right away, telling him that Taylor “emotionally attacked” her.  They make out (+1).

Nick then talks to Taylor.  He tells her that Corinne says she bullied her.  Taylor tells her she didn’t know what emotional intelligence is, and she told her.  Taylor and Nick have no chemistry, and Taylor is like waaaayyyy less smart than she thinks she is.

Corinne now gets a reading.  The white voodoo tarot card reader says she is a straight to the point person, but her words can be sharp and cutting.  It’s like magic.  There is no other way to explain any of this away.  Corinne responds the way any reasonable person would to this reading and asks how she can acquire a voodoo doll specific to a person.  The card reader happily presents Corinne with a voodoo doll which if you believe in any of this shit (and clearly the card reader does not) is like handing her a loaded gun or a jar of poison or flesh eating bacteria.

Taylor says if Corinne gets a rose, their relationship will be built on whipped cream and lies.  The two awful women sit awkwardly at a table together waiting for Nick to come and take one of them away on that crappy boat they came in and leave the other one in the bayou alone and scared.

Nick sits down and after some hemming and hawing he gives Corinne the rose (+3).  Taylor is shocked but honestly I don’t know how anyone could have picked her because, you know, she sucks.  Corinne and Nick do in fact get on the boat and leave Taylor sitting at a table in the swamp.  Corinne clutches her voodoo doll as they speed off.

As a side note, this has become my favorite part of 2 on 1 dates—the person who loses getting left in the wilderness after having their heart broken.  Dejected, cold, alone… wondering if they will ever be happy again.  Check out Olivia getting left on the island on Ben Higgins’s season for a little point of reference if you’re interested.

Nick and Corinne now settle in for the non-voodoo part of their date and sit at a table back in civilization.  They make out again (+1) and all seems to be right with the world.

But… suddenly it’s night and Taylor is just still trudging through the woods.  There is a voodoo ceremony going on and she just kind of gets all up in it and some of the voodoo people chant over her or bless her or whatever.  She talks about how emotionally aware she is.

We see Taylor walking back through the woods and is now out on the street—highly reminiscent of Chad walking back through the woods after he was eliminated during Jo Jo’s season (which I concede was fantastic TV).

As Corinne and Nick start to make out again, Taylor bursts through the door and it’s on again.

TO BE CONTINUED… 

Post credits, we get a treat as we see Alexis (Shark Girl) kiss Nick while he is wearing a Nicolas Cage mask (+1) which is something everyone probably has lying around.

Tune in next week, folks.

Fantasy Scoring Summary

Alexis: 4 points (rose, making out)

Corinne: 3 points (rose x 2, making out x 3, snitching x 2, there for the wrong reasons)

Danielle L.: 1 point (making out)

Danielle M.: 7 points (rose x 2, making out)

Jaimi: 3 points (rose)

Jasmine: 3 points (rose)

Josephine: 3 points (rose)

Rachel: 10 points (rose x 2, making out x 2, 1 on 1 date)

Sarah: -2 points (crying)

Taylor: 3 points (rose)

Vanessa: 3 points (rose)

Whitney: 3 points (rose)

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