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The Bachelor 2017: Episode 6 Fantasy Recap

We start off with a bang as Taylor, who has just been dumped whilst on a voodoo themed date in the woods (and who among us hasn’t been there before) is “over” holding back.  She says she needs to talk to Nick, so she walks the distance back into town—somewhere between a couple hundred feet and maybe 50 miles by my estimation—to interrupt his time with CorinneTaylor kind of looms over the table like a well educated, pretentious vulture and announces to Corinne that she lied.  Nick looks like he wants to crawl into a hole.

Eventually, Nick goes off to the side with Taylor and she says she genuinely cares about him and she genuinely cares about him finding love—you know, the way you’d desperately want anyone you met 2 weeks ago to find love.  There is no doubt in my mind that seeing Nick Viall find true love is her top priority.  In a great line, at one point Ms. Johns Hopkins tells him to “open his eyeballs”.  Nick tells Taylor he appreciates her caring about him so much which is what you say to crazy people so they don’t murder you.  They hug and she leaves.

Nick then tells Corinne about the conversation he just had with Taylor, but it kind of seems like he presents it like he said more cool, manly stuff than he did.  We then get to see Taylor complaining in the limo before the camera cuts to Corinne, who says, “Cats have 9 lives.  Bitches have 2.  Don’t ever call me a liar in front of my boyfriend.”

Is it a stretch to call a man currently dating you and at least 10 other women your boyfriend?  In this humble recapper’s opinion: Yes. Yes it sure is.

Rose Ceremony

We now hit the rose ceremony with Corinne, Danielle M., and Rachel all safe going in.  We briefly get to see Rachel giving the room a kind of pick-me-up speech which I would have found fairly condescending if I didn’t like Rachel so much.

There is a flash of lightning and a dim mist settles over the room.  All of a sudden Chris Harrison is there.  He announces that there will be no cocktail party.  The women all act shocked and upset, as if this cocktail party was going to end up being the difference between them marrying Nick or them ending up homeless, destitute sex workers turning tricks for bottles of Thunderbird and rolls of food stamps.  Nick gives a prepackaged bullshit speech to the women and we’re off to the races.

Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine (who is complaining constantly and has not yet figured out that Nick is not into her at all), and Whitney (who I have forgotten is on the show at least 4 different times) all get roses and 3 fantasy points.  This leaves Josephine, Jaimi, and Shark Girl out of the picture.  All of these rejections will hurt the show going forward in my opinion as far as entertainment value.

Josephine, who got Nick to nibble on a raw hot dog and slapped the living shit out of him, is all class in rejection.  She leaves with her head held high and sheds no tears.  I am not sure if she’ll make the cut for Bachelor in Paradise, but they could do a lot worse.

Jaimi, who is wearing bright purple lipstick, cries a little (-2).  She says she has no regrets and that she showed her true self.  If this is the case, her true self consists of a young lady who dated another woman once and has a nose ring.  That’s pretty much it.  If she ends up on Paradise, it will be 100% for the purpose of having her throw a monkey wrench (or a strap-on) in the works and hook up with a woman.

Shark Girl said she didn’t open up as much as she should’ve on the way out.  But I mean, she wore a shark costume.  She said the word, “dolphinitely”.  She confessed a deep fear of Nicolas Cage.  I’d say she opened up plenty.  She cries and costs her already sad fantasy owners 2 points.

Nick then takes this opportunity to tell the remaining 9 ladies that they’re going to the island of St. Thomas.  They all produce hysterical screams of joy, but they would’ve done that if he said they were going to Hot Table.  (I asked my 6 year old daughter, “What’s the worst place you could ever go?”  And she said, “Hot Table.”  This is how I often get my ideas.)

They arrive in St. Thomas and are in a pimped out hotel.  Nick flies by (as a passenger) in a small plane.  He sets down on the water (it’s one of those planes that can do that evidently) and blah blah blahs for a while and then takes Kristina on a 1 on 1 date, earning her 2 fantasy points.

Once they leave, Jasmine cries because she didn’t get picked (-2) and still has not considered the possibility that she kind of sucks and he is not even a little bit interested in her.

At one point, Nick asks Kristina something and she responds, “da”—yes in Russian.  He says that’s fascinating.  Now, I don’t doubt Kristina’s Russian-ness for a second, but saying the word “yes” in your native tongue is not even remotely fascinating.  It’s like seeing someone put on socks.  Nevertheless, they do make out (+1).

Later on, Nick asks to hear about her family and siblings.  It is possible he did not really think this through, but a good rule of thumb is that when you ask someone who was brought here as a Russian orphan to open up about their family’s past, there is a good chance it will be a tragic backstory.

She tells him she was born in Russia in a small town and lived with her mom, who sounds like she was a real piece of work.  The story got a little confusing, but it sounds like her mom told her not to eat anything for the whole day.  She said she was going to get food and Kristina remembers violating this order and eating lipstick.  Eventually her mom came back and was mad and either kicked her out or Kristina left.  (She was like 6 years old at the time.)  She went to an orphanage.  Her mom never went to visit her and Kristina threw in, “and now she is dead”.  She was in an orphanage for 7-8 years.  When she was 12 (so she wouldn’t turn to prostitution) she decided to try to get adopted and go to America.  She cries a little at this (-2) which I hate to dock her points for but I am bound by the rules.  Nick cries too, and I wish I could dock him 50 points and maybe kick him in the stomach. Nick gives her a rose (+3) and they make out (+1).

Then they had some really odd post-rose experience.  I was typing and not really paying attention, so I asked my wife to describe to me what had happened.  Here is her description:

“There were all these black women with old school head wraps and these long white skirts kind of swaying back and forth and they were just making out in the middle of them.  Keep in mind the radius was not very big.  It was a small area.”

I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound awkward to me at all.

Back at the Hotel

Corinne announces that she plans to drink in bed all day which sounds all right to me.  The house maid comes in and tells the women she is there to take care of any needs they have.  The other women are like, “oh, thank you”.  Corinne declares that she is “the St. Thomas version of Raquel” and starts giving her new black nanny a lot of jobs, which I found uncomfortable.

**There is a GoFundMe page created by Bachelor viewers to “Free Raquel”.  Evidently, Corinne is furious about this just like the Confederacy was around the time of the Civil War.

Whitney keeps talking like she thinks she’s gonna get a 1 on 1 date.  I am not sure why she would think this.

The group date is announced, and it will feature Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine.  This of course pisses Jasmine off because she is still operating under the assumption that if she could just get Nick on a 1 on 1 date they would really click.  I have seen nothing to support that belief and an awful lot that would contradict it.

That leaves Danielle L. and Whitney for a 2 on 1, loser leaves town date.

Group Date

The women meet Nick and they hop on a boat.  They go to a beach for a “laid back afternoon”.  They play corn hole and then volleyball.  Rachel is surprisingly good at corn hole or at least was edited that way.  During the volleyball game Corinne is drunk (+1).  She announces that she is going to go to sleep.  At one point, she drunkenly jumps up and had to have her butt blurred out (+1).  They all suck at volleyball.

Jasmine seems like she is completely losing her mind.  She is just talking a mile a minute like she’s on amphetamines and is forcing it big time.  Raven announces that if Jasmine were a vegetable she would be a turnip—because she’s “turned up” right now.  Not a bad line for the little lady from Bum-Fuck, Arkansas.  Then at some point during the game, Jasmine pushes Corinne down, which I have to give her a positive entertainment fantasy point for (+1).

Now the real carnage starts.  Rachel quits the game.  Vanessa quits too.  They say they are not willing to compete for time with NickVanessa cries (-2) and then Danielle M. cries (-2).  All of a sudden all the women are just sitting separately either crying or looking mad.  It’s just this island under cloudy, depressing skies with all these ladies scattered all over the place.  It looks like a boat wreck and the only survivors are this group of really upset women who honestly look like they wish they had died in the accident.  It is fair to say this date has been an absolute disaster.

Later that night, Nick goes to speak with Rachel.  She tells him group dates are not her thing and informs him that she almost left.  Nick is being all jumpy now like maybe he found Jasmine’s cocaine.  They did not make out after this interaction.

Jasmine is still complaining—she is talking to every woman there and will not shut up.  She has no self awareness at all and has become completely unhinged.  None of the other women want to hear her, but she just keeps going.  Nick comes and takes Danielle M. aside while Jasmine scowls.

Back at Hotel

Danielle L., Whitney, and the Russian are back at the hotel.  The 2 on 1 date participants are talking like they’ve got it really rough and acting all stressed out by this terrible experience.  Kristina is sitting there listening, thinking about how her mother abandoned her and came to this country so she wouldn’t end up a prostitute.  But yes, their 2 on 1 reality TV show upcoming date sounds very scary.

Back at the Group Date

Jasmine is still just ranting and raving.  No one else has spoken for the whole evening.  I cannot possibly do the amount of talking that Jasmine is doing justice.  Nick comes up and takes Raven away.  Jasmine yells at the camera about how she will NOT continued to be overlooked.

There are 2 activities on the night portion of this group date:

  • talking to Nick alone
  • listening to Jasmine rant like a lunatic

There are literally no other options.

After a commercial break, Jasmine is still going off talking about herself.  My wife mentions that Raven appears to be wearing a yellow diaper under a bathrobe for her outfit, which possibly is all the rage in Arkansas but honestly I’ll bet would look pretty stupid even there.

Finally, Nick comes and takes Jasmine aside.  She is really aggressive right out of the chute.  She wants to know if he sees her, but then is like I know you see me, then she cries (-2).  Now she says sees a future with him and just won’t stop talking.  He asks her how she thought their conversations have gone and she just starts rambling incoherently.  She has officially lost her mind and then suddenly she pretends to choke him.  Eventually, he starts to talk and she interrupts him repeatedly.  Then she kind of out of blue asks him if he wants her to straddle him and choke him.  I would assume sex would end up being a part of that equation too, but who knows?

He says no, but he at least had to be a little intrigued by this proposition.

He dumps her (-5) on the spot but probably gives her his number and will at some point take her up on the choking and straddling.  Then, he basically says good bye.  She interrupts him and tells him not to be sorry.  Keep in  mind that he had never said or even loosely implied that he was sorry.

After all the insanity, Raven and her yellow diaper get the rose (+3).

2 on 1 Date

On paper, this date should not be close.  Danielle L. should win this easily unless it’s just a ploy to get rid of her—which is totally possible because they have really boring conversations.  By my count, Nick has not even kissed Whitney yet, whereas he has made out with Danielle L. at least 6 times, has given her multiple roses, and has danced in public with her in front of the Backstreet Boys and Chris Lane.  (Yes, the Chris Lane.)

This is an unbelievably boring 2 on 1 date.  He takes Whitney aside and chats with her.  Then he takes Danielle L. aside and chats with her.  Then he goes back to Whitney and sends her home.

Back at the Hotel

At the hotel as they watch Whitney’s suitcase get wheeled away, they’re talking about how when you come back from a 2 on 1 date you’re never the same.  It changes you, man.  You can’t un-see something like that, man.  They’re talking about it like it’s the same as witnessing a public hanging or something.

2 on 1 Date

They don’t actually show Nick give Danielle L. the rose, but she clearly wins the 2 on 1 showdown and gets a 1 point bonus.  They leave Whitney on the beach alone as the chopper whisks them away because it is now a rule that if you have your heart broken on a 2 on 1 date, you have to be left in the wilderness to die.  Woods, island, jungle, it doesn’t matter.  Whitney cries (-2).  She says she didn’t see it coming.  Really?

Later on, Danielle L. and Nick are drinking wine in some old prison.  Danielle says she knows their connection is amazing and she is close to being head over heels.  She could leave tonight having fallen in love with Nick, she says.  Something doesn’t feel quite right, though.  They don’t seem like they have that much to talk about—although they never have.  He won’t look at her which is alarming because if you don’t look at her she’s just some boring woman.  She loves how honest he is, she says.  He’s totally going to dump her.

Now, in a cringeworthy moment, she says she is falling in love with him (-1).  Too early.  He squirms in his seat, probably wishing he had dumped her 5 minutes earlier.  He obviously doesn’t feel the same way.  Nick gets weepy to the camera like it is the worst thing that has ever happened to him.  Poor Nick, all these women love him.  He tells Danielle L. he can’t give her the rose.  She’s pretty surprised (obviously) but again there isn’t much to say.  He walks her out and leaves the rose on the table dramatically.  She cries (-2).

Back at the Hotel

Back at the hotel they wheel Danielle’s suitcase away.  Nick walks in with tears in his eyes like a little bitch.  All the women ask if he’s ok, and he cries harder like a huge pussy.  “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” he says.  “I gotta go.”  And then he leaves the hotel with tears streaming down his cheeks like a guy riddled with guilt because his best friend died in a car wreck and he was the one who sold him the angel dust he was on when he crashed.  Because let’s be honest: Nick Viall is the victim, here.

I cannot tell you how much I hate this guy.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Fantasy Summary

Alexis: -2 points (crying)

Corinne: 2 points (being really drunk, nudity blurring)

Danielle L.: 0 points (rose, 2 on 1 bonus, crying, premature “I Love You”)

Danielle M.: -2 points (crying)

Jaimi: -2 points (crying)

Jasmine: -5 points (rose, pushing Corinne down, crying x 2, kicked off)

Kristina: 10 points (rose x 2, make out x 2, 1 on 1 date)

Raven: 6 points (rose x 2)

Vanessa: 1 point (rose, crying)

Whitney: 1 point (rose, crying)

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