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The Bachelor 2017: Episode 7 Fantasy Recap

Let me take you back a week on the Bachelor.  The last time we saw Nick Viall he was crying like a kid in the late 1980’s whose NES had just gotten unplugged when he was on the 8th world of Super Mario Brothers.   This (of course) made all the remaining women feel sooo terrible for him—and why wouldn’t they?  Nick could teach some of these so-called refugees out there in the news a few things about what it means to have a hard life.  Every time I see him flown from exotic location to exotic location (or Milwaukee) with piles upon piles of beautiful, horny women obeying his every command, I think to myself, “That poor man.”

All the women start talking about how scared they are that Nick is going to just throw in the towel.  Rachel describes the hypothetical scenario of Nick walking away from this all as “the worst happening.”  Somewhere amidst all this talk of being scared and equating Nick Viall (which he never would) leaving the Bachelor with that monk that set himself on fire a while back, Vanessa cries (-2).

After a brief pep talk from Chris Harrison, Nick walks into the women’s living space (he does not seem to ever have to knock or anything when he comes into their home, by the way).  They hug him like his mom just died.  It is close to that bad—he did just cut down the number of women he is dating from 7 to 6, which would drive almost anyone into a pit of despair.

Nick then talks about how he is scared.  Everyone’s so scared.  Nick cancels the rose ceremony and keeps them all so they can leave St. Thomas and go to… beautiful Bimini!  It looks like it’s like right off the coast of Florida so it seems comparable to them being in South Dakota and traveling to Kansas or something like that.  All the women act like they are really familiar with Bimini.  Liars—the lot of ‘em.  In celebration of Nick’s benevolence, the women sacrifice a ram on the altar.

Raven says Bimini is the most beautiful place she’s ever been.  Really?  More beautiful than that trailer park just outside town where that meth lab exploded and that cat caught on fire and got on the local news and you saw your second cousin Ricky on TV jerking off in the background?  More beautiful than that?  High praise indeed.

The 1 on 1 Date Card comes and Vanessa gets it (+2).  Having not had a 1 on 1 date yet, Corinne is not happy.  She says that she is getting frustrated and is really bloated.

Vanessa meets up with Nick and I am like 98% sure she says she has never been on a boat before.  Wait, what?  Is this possible?  Did she misspeak?  After this revelation, I kind of expect her to be confused and frightened of the strange, floating transporter the way Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer was confused and frightened by a telephone, but she seems just normal.  They do talk and she mentions being scared (of course) but she meant emotionally I am pretty sure.  In general, emotional fear is really boring TV.  Give me actual, physical fear any day of the week.  Let’s introduce some sort of challenge involving fire, here.

The date goes on and it is so boring.  They do manage to make out (+1) while snorkeling underwater (which should be a bonus next season).  She says what they have is so real and she wants to tell him she loves him and will do so tonight.

Later that evening Vanessa rambles and does eventually tell him she is falling in love with him (-2).  Then they make out (+1) to salvage a little of her fantasy dignity.  Nick responds by telling her that he really really likes her—which is what every woman wants to hear.  He says he is taking it slow, which is true because by my count he has only made out 49 total times with 14 different women this season.

Back at the house, the next date card shows up.  Corinne talks about how much she wants a hometown date with Nick because she wants him to meet her nanny and then she says her nanny is her best friend.  Corinne, Kristina, and Raven get the group date.

Corinne really wants this rose.  She says she is planning to steal the show.  They approach Nick who is perched aboard a yacht.  She immediately tells him she has been on a boat bigger than this.  Once they shove off to sea, Corinne strips.  The Russian then also strips.  Nick rubs lotion all over Kristina—he’s like rubbing her inner thigh and other semi-private areas.  Nick says they are going to explore and swim with sharks.  Kristina and Corinne both express a little understandable fear about this.  Raven says she will punch a shark in the face if they come up on her, and if the other women get eaten she’ll get the rose probably.

Nick and the ladies get in the water.  There really does seem to be big ass sharks down there.  The Russian is like “nope” and Nick brings her back to the yacht and hugs her and leaves the other 2 women just out in the open water with the sharks.  The Russian and Nick kiss (+1).

Later on, as he addresses the women, Nick says he crossed something off his bucket list today with the whole shark swimming thing.  Keep in mind, he referred to the private Chris Lane concert as bucket list material a couple episodes ago, so we can all take this with a grain of salt the size of Vince Wilfork.

The Russian and Nick make out (+1).  He starts crying again and says it’s “been a tough week.”  This, I would say qualifies as a first world problem.  They make out a bunch more because the week has been so tough.

Now, Raven and Nick talk.  This talk is fairly uneventful except that Raven shrewdly mentions that her father had lung cancer but he’s “good now.” They make out (+1) with Raven all but assured a hometown date at this point because if you mention cancer, even if now things are “good”, you get to last at least another episode—it’s in the Constitution.

Corinne and Nick talk about how she hasn’t had a 1 on 1 yet.  He tries to convince her it’s all good.  They make out (+1) which then leads her to believe she is going to get the rose.  She begins talking about herself in the 3rd person.

Nick eventually gives the rose to Raven (+3).  That means he’s definitely going to Arkansas.  Corinne is annoyed—that’s what she says.  She says Corinne is gonna “keep doing Corinne”.  Raven and Nick make out and then they go dance in front of this shitty band that isn’t even as good as Chris Lane on his worst day and is not remotely a bucket list worthy group.

Back at the house the next date card comes and Danielle M gets a 1 on 1 date (+2).  It says “Ride Off Into the Sunset”.  This leaves Danielle to speculate/dream about what they will be riding.  Horses?  Jet skis?  The sky is the limit, here.  This is network TV—anything goes.

One thing is for sure: it will be spectacular.

Wrong.  Danielle M. and Nick are going to ride bicycles.  Theses bikes have little baskets on the front of them.  It is likely that the show had to employ 40-50 extra security guards just to keep Nick from getting beat up while riding this bike with the basket on it because it is pretty much a rule of life carved in stone that if you see a 36 year-old man riding down the street on a bike with a basket on the front you are allowed–maybe even required– to beat him up.  I am 90% sure this would be a valid defense in court.

Danielle and Nick are just walking around and it’s boring.  Nick plays basketball with some young, black locals because he’s a great guy.  Later, they are talking and it’s kind of quiet and awkward but even so, Nick is kind of rubbing her near her crotch.  The conversation is just not there.  They are making small talk and it’s awful.

Now, they are eating dinner and it’s still boring as hell.  He tells her she is easy to talk to which is patently false.  Desperate for any shred of conversation to hold on to, Nick brings up her dead fiancée.  That gets her talking a little bit and then she tells him something that every man wants to hear and is not weird or confusing at all: “her heart is very open and it’s very open to him and wants to take on everything with him, good and bad.”  She says she cares a lot about him, which of course makes him look sick because he’s clearly about to dump her.

Nick rambles on and on now, saying that “his heart can’t get there.”  Danielle cries (-2) and kind of starts acting like a victim.  They part ways and she goes back to the house and bids the other women farewell but it really seems like she wants them to feel sorry for her and ramp up the poor Danielle M. narrative.  To be honest, none of them really seem like they give a shit.

Another 1 on 1 date card arrives shortly thereafter for Rachel (+2).  Corinne is pissed as usual.

Corinne says she would “live in a shack with no diamonds” for Nick, which I have to admit sounds like a real sacrifice.  Even thinking about going about my everyday life with no diamonds just kind of makes me feel dead inside.   She says she is going to take it up a notch to ensure she gets a hometown date.

Corinne gets dressed all sexy and sneaks over to see Nick with the clear goal of having sexual intercourse with him.  She says she is going to “blow that room up.”  When he answers the door, she tells she wants to see if he’s OK.  He goes and gets her a drink which she accepts because she is a raging alcoholic.

Corinne says she knows how to turn on the sex charm.  They make out (+1) and then the making out gets heavy.  She says her heart is gold but her vageen (that means vagina if you are over 50) is platinum.  She gets him to go back into his room and tells him, “let’s dive into bed”.  He’s like, “OK!”

The camera is outside of the room but we can hear it all.  He eventually tells her slow down. It’s very tempting, he says.  She is not thrilled at all with this result of no sex.  She should lose points for this, and getting flat out rejected for sex will be in the rubric next season.

Nick sends her on her way like a gentleman would—unsullied.

The next day Raven talks about how sad it is when a really good person gets sent home—I guess she means Danielle M.  Corinne doesn’t give a shit and looks like she’d have sex with anyone who was up for it right now.   Rachel seems all happy and she looks good. Nick comes by and picks her up.

Nick brings Rachel to a place with “only locals”.  They get a couple of beers and talk about home towns.  He asks how her parents will feel about the whole “hey I’m dating 3 other women” thing.  A couple weeks ago he was dating 15 women, so hopefully they would feel like he’s done a good job whittling down the numbers.  She tells him she has dated white guys before but she has never brought home a white guy.  She seems like an adult; I don’t understand why she likes Nick Viall.  They make out (+1).

After the date (I assume the next day) Nick is talking to Chris Harrison.  He wants to talk to the woman he’s sending home in private out of respect for her (he’s such a good man) so he calls off the rose ceremony.  He is close to crying again.

Nick comes in and wants to talk to… Kristina.  All the other women go to try and watch and eavesdrop, probably anticipating what this is all about.  Nick gives Kristina the obligatory long, stupid talk you are required by TV law to give to women you have strung along for a while and are now dumping.  She (unlike some of the other less intelligent women he has dumped recently) can tell immediately what’s up.  She tells him he didn’t give her a fair chance, which is what you are obligated to say under TV law if the guy who has been stringing you along for a month or so dumps you.  Nick cries.  They hug.  Kristina is too boss to let him see her cry.  She does goes inside and cry, though (-2).

Then for no apparent reason Rachel cries (-2) which I really didn’t appreciate because she is on my Bachelor Fantasy team.

To be continued…

Fantasy Scoring Breakdown 

Corinne: 2 points (making out x 2)

Danielle M.: 0 points (1 on 1 date card, crying)

Kristina: 0 points (making out x 2, crying)

Rachel: 1 point (1 on 1 date card, making out, crying)

Raven: 4 points (rose, making out)

Vanessa: 0 points (1 on 1 date card, making out x 2, crying, premature I love you)

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