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‘The Bachelor’ Episode 9 Fantasy Recap

The following is a conversation that I assume happened at some point before this season of The Bachelor:

Producer #1:  Man our audience is stupid.  I’ll bet there’s nothing that would make them stop watching this show.

Producer #2:  Well that’s overstating it.

Producer #1:  I’ll prove it to you.  Let’s make The Bachelor someone who is unlikable in almost every conceivable way!

Producer #2:  I’ll get Ted Cruz on the phone.

Producer #1:  No, no.  He’s married.  Call Nick Viall.

Producer #2:  Wow.  OK.  Didn’t see that coming.

Producer #1:  And you know how we used to send them to exotic locations?  This season, let’s send them to Wisconsin.  Just to fuck with them, you know?

Producer #2:  OK, OK.  But let’s still keep the results of the show secret to the general public.

Producer #1:  Nope.  I want to announce who the next Bachelorette is going to be while she’s still on the show.  Like maybe with 4 or 5 women left.  You know, so people are invested in who will win by that point.

Producer #2:  This is really outside the box thinking.

Producer #1:  Damn right.  And then once there’s 4 women left and everyone’s wondering who is going to get sent home, let’s show a video package that shows the next location and clearly shows only 3 of the 4 women there so everyone will know who is getting sent home.

Producer #2:  Won’t people be mad?

Producer #1:  Fuck ‘em.  Honestly, I think we should send Chris Harrison to rob the homes of random fans, break their windows, and piss on their furniture.

Producer #2:  Yeah, you’re right!  Let’s totally do that!  Where do you want the fantasy suites location to be?  Somewhere romantic of course.  Rome?  Paris?  Venice?

Producer #1:  No, no, no.  You’re not getting this at all.  It’s got to be somewhere cold as shit.  Somewhere in the Arctic Circle where it’s only light outside for like 5 hours a day.  Somewhere you have to wear ridiculous looking grey turtlenecks even when you’re indoors or you’ll probably die of hypothermia.

Producer #2:  How about Finland?

Producer #1:  Now you’re getting it.

We start out in Nick Viall’s New York hotel room as he is confronted by Andi Dorfman, who is hotter than any of the women he is currently dating.  He says Andi is “the last person he expected to see”.

Really?  The last person?

So you’re telling me that if you heard a knocking at your hotel room door and you opened it and OJ Simpson was standing there, having somehow arranged with the Nevada Department of Corrections to receive a weekend furlough just so he could travel to confront you on TV, that would surprise you less?   I guarantee you that would have surprised him more.  And if Nick survived that unexpected visit (which he wouldn’t) he’d have a great story to tell.  Anyway, Andi and Nick share an awkward hug and he invites her in for a drink.  To her credit, she drinks straight whiskey as they chat.

Andi just “wants to see where he’s at,” as if it is somehow normal for an ex who you haven’t spoken to in years to randomly show up and start shooting the shit about your current relationships with you.  Although I like Andi, the conversation is totally forced and the advice she gives him is totally generic.

bach 2 Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 9: Race to the Finnish Line

Outside, the wind is howling and it looks cold as shit.  Chris Harrison ushers in the remaining women 1 by 1.   Vanessa, who is going to win this perversion of a contest but is killing her fantasy owners with her incessant crying, cries in her conversation with the camera (-2) for no apparent reason.  Corinne looks like she would probably be the warmest of the bunch because she is wearing the type of fur coat you’d expect a stripper to throw off at the start of her act.

Inside, Nick and Andi are just bull shitting and talking in the warm, cozy hotel room.  He reminds her that the last time she knocked on his hotel room door she was breaking up with him and they have a good laugh about that.  Then he suggests to her that he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s The Bachelor, which means he is definitely going to get engaged at the end of this because he is on The Bachelor.

After Andi leaves, Nick puts on a tight fitting black suit.  Dressed like this, Nick really resembles an uglier and much less talented Justin Timberlake.  He finally makes his way outside to address the women who, like I said earlier, have been freezing their asses off while he was making small talk and drinking liquor with this other woman he used to fuck.

It is right around this point that they show us a video clip of Finland (the next destination) and I am almost certain they showed all the women there except Corinne.  Then like a minute later, they flashed on the screen that Corinne will be appearing on Good Morning America tomorrow.  It is seeming less and less likely that Corinne will survive this rose ceremony.

Nick talks to them about how special they all are.  Then he distributes the roses to Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa.  These Final 3 roses get them 6 fantasy points each.  In a shocking turn of events, it appears Corinne will be going home.

Corinne just breaks down sobbing (-2).  Nick walks her out and she apologizes to him “if she ever did anything to make him upset”.  In the limo she cries some more.  She has to leave the city now; I like to think the limo will drive her to the state line and then just make her get out of the car.

“You’re New Jersey’s problem now, bitch!”  The limo driver would yell, and then he would just peel out of there.

Corinne says her heart will never be repaired.  She wants to know why she can’t just have a normal relationship.  Well, I’m no expert, but maybe because 1) you’re crazy and 2) you are on a fucking TV dating show and neither of those things usually leads to anything even remotely normal.  She says she will never kiss up to a man ever again in her life and then she goes to sleep to really drive the point home.

bach 7 Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 9: Race to the Finnish Line

Now, they’re going to beautiful, sunny (for a couple hours a day) Finland.  They are trying really hard to give us the hard sell on Vanessa and about how there are all these problems she and Nick are going to have to address.  No one is buying it.

Raven is his first date.  They kick things off by making out in a helicopter (+1) which is a solid fantasy start.  She tells us she does not take the upcoming fantasy suite lightly.  Whatever.  They go to a bar and play some darts.  They talk a while in front of the fire getting more and more drinks.

Nick is wearing a giant grey turtleneck sweater (indoors) that looks like the sweater Kramer wore on that episode of Seinfeld where they try to set up a sting operation to bust Jerry’s accountant who they suspect is doing a bunch of cocaine.  Right around this time in the episode, RSJ personality The Wolf texts me and says Nick looks like a half uncircumcised penis which is totally accurate.

Raven reveals she was with her past boyfriend for 2 years and they never told each other they loved each other.  The talking just goes on and on.  She finally tells Nick she loves him, which is the validation he has been waiting for because he’s a narcissist.  They make out (+1).  They get their fantasy date card and… they elect to stay the night together!!!!!!

Raven then tells him (after they have agreed to sleep together) that she’s nervous because… she’s never had an orgasm before.  Say what?  Never?  When you’re a teenager you’re supposed to be spending around 30% of your time masturbating or you’re just not making the most of the teen experience.  And if for some reason you weren’t masturbating, you better have invested that time into something worthwhile like learning how to code or speak another language or become the world’s foremost expert on making gravity bongs or something.  And speaking with an Arkansas accent does NOT count as learning another language.

bach 12 Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 9: Race to the Finnish Line

This seems like it is going to be an awful lot of pressure and an awful lot of work for a woman Nick is just going to dump in a couple days.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Bachelor Fantasy Scoring Breakdown

Corinne: -2 points (crying)

Rachel: 6 points (final 3 rose)

Raven: 8 points (final 3 rose, making out x 2)

Vanessa: 6 points (final 3 rose)

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