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Wolf's Big Board:     Monday, May 29, 2017     Tier One - The Big Three   1 ) David Johnson (ARI) RB1   2 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT) RB2   3 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL) RB3   Tier Two - High-end WR1 and RB1s   4 ) Antonio Brown (PIT) WR1   5 ) Julio Jones (ATL) WR2   6 ) Mike Evans (TB) WR3   7 ) Odell Beckham JR. (NYG) WR4   8 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN) RB4   9 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC) RB5   10 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF) RB6   11 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA) RB7   12 ) AJ Green (CIN) WR5   13 ) Jordy Nelson (GB) WR6   14 ) Michael Thomas (NO) WR7   15 ) Dez Bryant (DAL) WR8   16 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL) RB8   Tier 3 - Lower-end RB1 and WR1s, elite second options   17 ) Lamar Miller (HOU) RB9   18 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU) WR9   19 ) TY Hilton (IND) WR10   20 ) Leonard Fournette (JAX) RB10   21 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE) TE1   22 ) Brandin Cooks (NE) WR11   23 ) Demaryius Thomas. (DEN) WR12   24 ) Jordan Reed (WAS) TE2   25 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA) WR13   26 ) Amari Cooper (OAK) WR14   Tier 3.5   27 ) Todd Gurley (LAR) RB11   28 ) Carlos Hyde (SF) RB12   29 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR) RB13   30 ) Jordan Howard (CHI) RB14   31 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK) RB15   32 ) Davante Adams (GB) WR15   33 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI) WR16   34 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE) RB16   35 ) Tyreek Hill (KC) WR17   36 ) Keenan Allen (LAC) WR18   37 ) Spencer Ware (KC) RB17   Tier 4 - Elite QBs, Solid #2 RBs + WRs, side TE1s   38 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ) RB18   39 ) Tom Brady (NE) QB1   40 ) Sammy Watkins WR19   41 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB) QB2   42 ) Travis Kielce (KC) TE3   43 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS) WR20   44 ) Allen Robinson (JAC) WR21   44 ) Mike Gillislee (NE) RB19   45 ) Mark Ingram (NO) RB20   46 ) Golden Tate (DET) WR22   47 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS) WR23   48 ) Greg Olsen (CAR) TE4   48 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL) RB21   49 ) Willie Snead (NO) WR24   50 ) Doug Martin (TB) RB22   51 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK) WR25   52 ) Brandon Marshal (NYG) WR26   53 ) Julian Edelman (NE) WR27   54 ) Donte Moncrief (IND) WR28   55 ) Drew Brees (NO) QB3   56 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET) RB23   57 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA) TE5   58 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN) TE6   59 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT) WR29   Tier 5 - Last Startable WRs and RBs + TE1 Candidates   60 ) Pierre Garcon (SF) WR30   61 ) Eric Decker (NYJ) WR31   62 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA) WR32   63 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI) WR33   64 ) Samaje Perine (WAS) RB24   65 ) Joe Mixon (CIN) RB25   66 ) CJ Anderson (DEN) RB26   67 ) Matt Ryan (ATL) QB4   68 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN) WR33   69 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN) WR34   70 ) Ty Montgomery (GB) RB27   71 ) Hunter Henry (LAC) TE7   72 ) Corey Davis (TEN) WR35   73 ) Adrian Peterson (NO) RB28   74 ) Kelvin Benjamin (CAR) WR36   75 ) Delanie Walker TE8   76 ) Paul Perkins (NYG) RB29   77 ) CJ Prosise (SEA) RB30   78 ) Eddie Lacy (SEA) RB31   79 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN) RB32   80 ) Theo Riddick (DET) RB33   81 ) Frank Gore (IND) RB34   82 ) Cameron Meredith (CHI) WR38   83 ) Mike Wallace (BAL) WR39   84 ) DeSean Jackson (TB) WR40   85 ) Martellus Bennett (GB) TE9   TIer 7 - side QB1s and Top WR and RB Lottery Tickets   86 ) Andrew Luck (IND) QB5   87 ) Derek Carr (OAK) QB6   88 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS) QB7   89 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN) QB8   90 ) Philip Rivers (LAC) QB9   91 ) Ben Roethlisberger QB10   92 ) Dak Prescott (DAL) QB11   93 ) Jameis Winston (TB) QB12   94 ) Joe Williams (SF) RB35   95 ) Derrick Henry (TEN) RB36   96 ) Kareem Hunt (KC) RB37   97 ) Jamaal Williams (GB) RB38   98 ) Davante Parker (MIA) WR41   99 ) Josh Doctson (WAS) WR42   100 ) Ted Ginn (NO) WR43  
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‘The Bachelor’ Episode 9 Fantasy Recap

The following is a conversation that I assume happened at some point before this season of The Bachelor:

Producer #1:  Man our audience is stupid.  I’ll bet there’s nothing that would make them stop watching this show.

Producer #2:  Well that’s overstating it.

Producer #1:  I’ll prove it to you.  Let’s make The Bachelor someone who is unlikable in almost every conceivable way!

Producer #2:  I’ll get Ted Cruz on the phone.

Producer #1:  No, no.  He’s married.  Call Nick Viall.

Producer #2:  Wow.  OK.  Didn’t see that coming.

Producer #1:  And you know how we used to send them to exotic locations?  This season, let’s send them to Wisconsin.  Just to fuck with them, you know?

Producer #2:  OK, OK.  But let’s still keep the results of the show secret to the general public.

Producer #1:  Nope.  I want to announce who the next Bachelorette is going to be while she’s still on the show.  Like maybe with 4 or 5 women left.  You know, so people are invested in who will win by that point.

Producer #2:  This is really outside the box thinking.

Producer #1:  Damn right.  And then once there’s 4 women left and everyone’s wondering who is going to get sent home, let’s show a video package that shows the next location and clearly shows only 3 of the 4 women there so everyone will know who is getting sent home.

Producer #2:  Won’t people be mad?

Producer #1:  Fuck ‘em.  Honestly, I think we should send Chris Harrison to rob the homes of random fans, break their windows, and piss on their furniture.

Producer #2:  Yeah, you’re right!  Let’s totally do that!  Where do you want the fantasy suites location to be?  Somewhere romantic of course.  Rome?  Paris?  Venice?

Producer #1:  No, no, no.  You’re not getting this at all.  It’s got to be somewhere cold as shit.  Somewhere in the Arctic Circle where it’s only light outside for like 5 hours a day.  Somewhere you have to wear ridiculous looking grey turtlenecks even when you’re indoors or you’ll probably die of hypothermia.

Producer #2:  How about Finland?

Producer #1:  Now you’re getting it.

We start out in Nick Viall’s New York hotel room as he is confronted by Andi Dorfman, who is hotter than any of the women he is currently dating.  He says Andi is “the last person he expected to see”.

Really?  The last person?

So you’re telling me that if you heard a knocking at your hotel room door and you opened it and OJ Simpson was standing there, having somehow arranged with the Nevada Department of Corrections to receive a weekend furlough just so he could travel to confront you on TV, that would surprise you less?   I guarantee you that would have surprised him more.  And if Nick survived that unexpected visit (which he wouldn’t) he’d have a great story to tell.  Anyway, Andi and Nick share an awkward hug and he invites her in for a drink.  To her credit, she drinks straight whiskey as they chat.

Andi just “wants to see where he’s at,” as if it is somehow normal for an ex who you haven’t spoken to in years to randomly show up and start shooting the shit about your current relationships with you.  Although I like Andi, the conversation is totally forced and the advice she gives him is totally generic.

bach 2 Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 9: Race to the Finnish Line

Outside, the wind is howling and it looks cold as shit.  Chris Harrison ushers in the remaining women 1 by 1.   Vanessa, who is going to win this perversion of a contest but is killing her fantasy owners with her incessant crying, cries in her conversation with the camera (-2) for no apparent reason.  Corinne looks like she would probably be the warmest of the bunch because she is wearing the type of fur coat you’d expect a stripper to throw off at the start of her act.

Inside, Nick and Andi are just bull shitting and talking in the warm, cozy hotel room.  He reminds her that the last time she knocked on his hotel room door she was breaking up with him and they have a good laugh about that.  Then he suggests to her that he’s not going to get engaged just because he’s The Bachelor, which means he is definitely going to get engaged at the end of this because he is on The Bachelor.

After Andi leaves, Nick puts on a tight fitting black suit.  Dressed like this, Nick really resembles an uglier and much less talented Justin Timberlake.  He finally makes his way outside to address the women who, like I said earlier, have been freezing their asses off while he was making small talk and drinking liquor with this other woman he used to fuck.

It is right around this point that they show us a video clip of Finland (the next destination) and I am almost certain they showed all the women there except Corinne.  Then like a minute later, they flashed on the screen that Corinne will be appearing on Good Morning America tomorrow.  It is seeming less and less likely that Corinne will survive this rose ceremony.

Nick talks to them about how special they all are.  Then he distributes the roses to Raven, Rachel, and Vanessa.  These Final 3 roses get them 6 fantasy points each.  In a shocking turn of events, it appears Corinne will be going home.

Corinne just breaks down sobbing (-2).  Nick walks her out and she apologizes to him “if she ever did anything to make him upset”.  In the limo she cries some more.  She has to leave the city now; I like to think the limo will drive her to the state line and then just make her get out of the car.

“You’re New Jersey’s problem now, bitch!”  The limo driver would yell, and then he would just peel out of there.

Corinne says her heart will never be repaired.  She wants to know why she can’t just have a normal relationship.  Well, I’m no expert, but maybe because 1) you’re crazy and 2) you are on a fucking TV dating show and neither of those things usually leads to anything even remotely normal.  She says she will never kiss up to a man ever again in her life and then she goes to sleep to really drive the point home.

bach 7 Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 9: Race to the Finnish Line

Now, they’re going to beautiful, sunny (for a couple hours a day) Finland.  They are trying really hard to give us the hard sell on Vanessa and about how there are all these problems she and Nick are going to have to address.  No one is buying it.

Raven is his first date.  They kick things off by making out in a helicopter (+1) which is a solid fantasy start.  She tells us she does not take the upcoming fantasy suite lightly.  Whatever.  They go to a bar and play some darts.  They talk a while in front of the fire getting more and more drinks.

Nick is wearing a giant grey turtleneck sweater (indoors) that looks like the sweater Kramer wore on that episode of Seinfeld where they try to set up a sting operation to bust Jerry’s accountant who they suspect is doing a bunch of cocaine.  Right around this time in the episode, RSJ personality The Wolf texts me and says Nick looks like a half uncircumcised penis which is totally accurate.

Raven reveals she was with her past boyfriend for 2 years and they never told each other they loved each other.  The talking just goes on and on.  She finally tells Nick she loves him, which is the validation he has been waiting for because he’s a narcissist.  They make out (+1).  They get their fantasy date card and… they elect to stay the night together!!!!!!

Raven then tells him (after they have agreed to sleep together) that she’s nervous because… she’s never had an orgasm before.  Say what?  Never?  When you’re a teenager you’re supposed to be spending around 30% of your time masturbating or you’re just not making the most of the teen experience.  And if for some reason you weren’t masturbating, you better have invested that time into something worthwhile like learning how to code or speak another language or become the world’s foremost expert on making gravity bongs or something.  And speaking with an Arkansas accent does NOT count as learning another language.

bach 12 Recapping The Bachelor, Episode 9: Race to the Finnish Line

This seems like it is going to be an awful lot of pressure and an awful lot of work for a woman Nick is just going to dump in a couple days.


The Bachelor Fantasy Scoring Breakdown

Corinne: -2 points (crying)

Rachel: 6 points (final 3 rose)

Raven: 8 points (final 3 rose, making out x 2)

Vanessa: 6 points (final 3 rose)

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