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‘The Bachelor’ Episode 10 Fantasy Recap

Let’s get right down to business.  We’re back in beautiful, frigid, dark-for-the-vast-majority-of-the-day Finland, where the initial question on everyone’s mind is: Did Nick Get Raven Off?

They are snuggling the next morning and making out (+1), clearly having done the deed the previous night (+4).  Raven suggests that Nick is “really good at what he does” (I think she means sex and not wearing ugly turtlenecks, but this is speculation on my part).  This is noteworthy, because with all the sex Nick has managed, I have never heard anyone say he was any good at it.

I imagine this ringing endorsement of Nick’s sexual ability is being judged on a sliding scale—like when you see someone who looks like Raven in a place like, I don’t know, Hoxie, Arkansas, you think, “My God, that woman has both eyes, all of her limbs, most of her teeth, and appears to be free of scurvy—she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!”  The flipside of that is that if you are from Hoxie, Arkansas and have only had sex with one local who couldn’t or wouldn’t satisfy you sexually and then you encounter a man whore from the big city, he’s gonna seem good.  Maybe even really good.

We see Raven skipping around the streets as happy as a young woman from the sticks who has just achieved orgasm for the first time could possibly be.

Next up, Nick meets up with Rachel and says they will be cross country skiing for their date activity which sounds just miserable to me.  It didn’t look too fun for Rachel either—she fell a lot as the music usually reserved for crazy people played over the whole wretched, grueling experience.  Eventually they arrive at a safari (or what passes for a safari in Finland) place and there are a bunch of reindeer there.

Rachel confesses (to the camera) that she is afraid of rejection so she is holding back.  They go inside some little shack and there is a roaring fire and they chat whilst still decked out in winter coats, scarves and huge wool hats because it is fucking freezing.  She tells him she is scared and  he tells her he is too—I assume they are both afraid they’ll get frostbite.  Eventually they can’t take the talking anymore and they make out (+1).

Then they go outside and get in a reindeer drawn sled and travel around just like Santa Claus would if Santa Claus were going to nail whomever he was riding around with once they reached their destination.  In all seriousness, a reindeer drawn sleigh ride seems pretty cool even if they were just regular, non-flying reindeer.

The sun goes down and the wonders of CGI Northern Lights are in the sky.  They go to a cozy little house and shed several layers of clothes, leaving them still wearing long sleeves, pants, and thick socks.  Nick basically makes a toast to them being vulnerable—really needing the affirmation of Rachel telling him she loves him, which is soooo overrated and sooooo played.  She tells him he is so effortless putting himself out there.  He reminds her (with a chuckle) that he has had practice, having hooked up with dozens of women on TV in the past couple of years and having been rejected by 2 women he intended to marry.

Rachel eventually tells him she is falling in love with him.  Nick responds the way he usually has when women have said that this season—and there have been several—by making out.  He then tells her he is “falling for her 100%” which is a great way to not give validation she desperately craves to a woman who has just poured her heart out to you but who you are planning on dumping in a couple of days.

Nick slides her the fantasy suite card and Rachel is all about it.  They go and get it on (+4) which is good for me because I have Rachel on my fantasy team and since I know she is going home, I really need the points.

They wake up and they both seem satisfied.  There is no specific mention of orgasms, but they both seem pleased.  He makes them breakfast which is a very sweet going away present.  Nick then announces that he has to pack up and leave.  He does not come right out and say where he will be going when he leaves but all parties involved are aware he is going to go fuck Vanessa, which is kind of awkward if anyone cares to mull it over.  As an aside, Rachel is wearing some pretty awesome penguin pajamas with a hood.

Nick meets Vanessa in the woods.  Immediately the editing designed to make us think their relationship could really be in trouble starts up.  No amount of misleading editing can keep these two crazy kids from making out, though (+1).  They go to a pool of water carved out of the ice.  They are planning to go back and forth between a steaming sauna and an ice bath for some reason.  Possibly the producers realize they are losing the audience and are hoping to get things going again by throwing in an on-air heart attack.

They exit a small house wearing bathing suits.  They walk (barefoot) through the snow and hop in the ice bath.  It seems absolutely brutal.  They last like 5 seconds and run back to the house in what appears to be excruciating pain.  They make out again in different clothes (+1).  Then, they run out of the house and do it all over again.  They then repeat this process several more times.  Eventually they hop into a hot tub after having tortured themselves sufficiently.

Trying desperately to plant the seeds of doubt with the public, Nick talks about how her family is very traditional and he is not.  She then talks about core values, which seems to be Vanessa’s big buzz-phrase—similar to Taylor riffing about emotional intelligence.  She says there are some things in her life she will not compromise on.  For instance, she will not stop seeing her family on Sunday for 3 hours a week.  Again, they want us to think these are red flags.  They are not, even though they should be—wasting 3 hours a week with Vanessa’s family means missing at least one NFL game a week, and that is completely unacceptable.  Even for love.

At night, it’s snowing.  They stroll through the wilderness to what looks like a teepee.  Vanessa, like Rachel, is struggling with telling Nick she loves him.

Vanessa asks Nick about his core values he might not want to compromise on.  She asks him if he would move.  In my favorite moment of this week’s show, Nick says it is hard to imagine because he is “proud to be an American”.  At this point, I spontaneously got up off the couch, let the beautiful, flowing notes of the Star Spangled Banner dance through my mind, and gave Nick Viall a heartfelt salute.  There is nobody who loves this country more than Nick.  Nobody.  And don’t tell me about anyone who died fighting to defend our freedom overseas or anything, because Nick loves it more.

Vanessa responds by saying she is proud to be a Canadian.  They are both so proud of their countries it seems like a bit of a Mexican standoff–actually, that’s an idea–maybe they could compromise on Mexico.  Vanessa brings up core values again and says she only wants to be married once.   I’d like to hear a woman say she would like to only get married once but if it took 3 or 4 times getting divorced to get it right that would be OK, too.  Finally, she tells him she loves him.  I feel a make out coming.  I am correct (+1).

The fantasy suite card comes, and Vanessa accepts.  They put their respective feelings of pride for their countries on the shelf for the time being and they bang (+4).

The following morning, they are in bed together.  Vanessa says that waking up she has more of an appreciation for what Nick is.  (I assume she means a penis that talks, wears clothing, and cries, all the while posing as a cheap imitation of a man.)  They give us some more reason to doubt they’ll end up together.  Baloney.  Or, as the Canadians would say, Canadian Baloney.

Later on, Chris Harrison is there (not in letter form for the first time this episode) as the women show up for the rose ceremony.  It is interesting that Nick allegedly had too much respect for Kristina to put her through a rose ceremony, but evidently is willing to drag a woman he just had sex with (probably Rachel) to be humiliated in such a public fashion.

Vanessa says this is the best relationship she has ever been with, which (if true) is a remarkable thing.  This lady must have dated some real pieces of work before this golden opportunity came along.  She cries (-2) to the camera for no apparent reason.

OK, here comes the rose ceremony.  If Rachel had not been prematurely named the Bachelorette this would be super suspenseful, but since we already know what is going to happen I am eating a piece of cake (from Stop and Shop) and kind of half watching.  Nick rambles for a while and cries, well aware of the fact that soon he will only have 2 beautiful women who have demonstrated they will go all the way with him at his disposal.  He says he will follow his heart.  Raven (+8) and Vanessa (+8) get the roses.

Rachel says good bye to the other women and Nick and she go to a couch to debrief.  She says she thought they had a really, really good thing.  She is stoic for the most part.  He (in stark contrast) is crying like a huge, disingenuous baby.  She is crying (-2) but not Corinne-style sobbing.  He walks her out in her cocktail dress into the freezing Finland winter.  In the limo, Rachel says “Back to Square One”.  (Which I guess means going on the Bachelorette and choosing between 30 men who are desperate to be on TV.)

I will be back tomorrow to hash out the wonderful drama that played out right after The Bachelor Episode 10 on the always entertaining “Women Tell All” 2 hour spectacular.  See you then!

Fantasy Scoring Breakdown

Rachel: 3 points (making out, sex, crying)

Raven: 13 points (making out, sex, rose)

Vanessa: 12 points (making out x 3, sex, rose, crying)

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