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Week 2 Rankings:         Top-20 Quarterbacks   1 ) Tom Brady (NE)   2 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB)   3 ) Matt Ryan (ATL)   4 ) Drew Brees (NO)   5 ) Derek Carr (OAK)   6 ) Jameis Winston (TB)   7 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN)   8 ) Cam Newton (CAR)   9 ) Philip Rivers (LAC)   10 ) Matthew Stafford (DET)   11 ) Russell Wilson (SEA)   12 ) Ben Roethlisberger (PIT)   13 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS)   14 ) Tyrod Taylor (BUF)   15 ) Alex Smith (KC)   16 ) Carson Wentz (DAL)   17 ) Dak Prescott (DAL)   18 ) Jay Cutler (MIA)   19 ) Carson Palmer (ARI)   20 ) Joe Flacco (BAL)   Top-40 Running Backs   1 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT)   2 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF)   3 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL)   4 ) Kareem Hunt (KC)   5 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC)   6 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA)   7 ) Ty Montgomery (GB)   8 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN)   9 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL)   10 ) Todd Gurley (LAR)   11 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK)   12 ) Mike Gillislee (NE)   13 ) Leonard Fournette (JAC)   14 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN)   15 ) Jordan Howard (CHI)   16 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR)   17 ) Jacquizz Rodgers (TB)   18 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE)   19 ) CJ Anderson (DEN)   20 ) Tarik Cohen (CHI)   21 ) Lamar Miller (HOU)   22 ) Mark Ingram (NO)   23 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ)   24 ) James White (NE)   25 ) Terrance West (BAL)   26 ) Jonathan Stewart (CAR)   27 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL)   28 ) Javorious Allen (BAL)   29 ) Thomas Rawls (SEA)   30 ) Carlos Hyde (SF)   31 ) Kerwynn Williams (ARI)   32 ) Robert Kelley (WAS)   33 ) Theo Riddick (DET)   34 ) LeGarrette Blount (PHI)   35 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET)   36 ) Alvin Kamara (NO)   37 ) Joe Mixon (CIN)   38 ) Jeremy Hill (CIN)   39 ) Adrian Peterson (NO)   40 ) Frank Gore (IND)   Top-50 Wide Receivers   1 ) Julio Jones (ATL)   2 ) Jordy Nelson (GB)   3 ) Mike Evans (TB)   4 ) Antonio Brown (PIT)   5 ) Amari Cooper (OAK)   6 ) Brandin Cooks (NE)   7 ) AJ Green (CIN)   8 ) Odell Beckham Jr. (NYG)   9 ) Keenan Allen (LAC)   10 ) Michael Thomas (NO)   11 ) Tyreek Hill (KC)   12 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA)   13 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU)   14 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI)   15 ) Demaryius Thomas (DEN)   16 ) Golden Tate (DET)   17 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN)   18 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK)   19 ) Dez Bryant (DAL)   20 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT)   21 ) Davante Adams (GB)   22 ) Devante Parker (MIA)   23 ) Kelvin Benjamin (CAR)   24 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS)   25 ) Jeremy Maclin (BAL)   26 ) Adam Thielen (MIN)   27 ) Randall Cobb (GB)   28 ) DeSean Jackson (TB)   29 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI)   30 ) Danny Amendola (NE)   31 ) Cooper Kupp (LAR)   32 ) Sammy Watkins (LAR)   33 ) Tyrell Williams (LAC)   34 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA)   35 ) Corey Coleman (CLE)   36 ) Corey Davis (TEN)   37 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS)   38 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN)   39 ) Pierre Garcon (SF)   40 ) TY Hilton (IND)   41 ) Ted Ginn (IND)   42 ) Chris Hogan (NE)   43 ) Eric Decker (TEN)   44 ) John Brown (ARI)   45 ) Nelson Agholor (PHI)   46 ) Kenny Golladay (DET)   47 ) Allen Hurns (JAC)   48 ) Rishard Matthews (TEN)   49 ) Paul Richardson (SEA)   50 ) Brandon Marshall (NYG)   Top-20 Tight Ends   1 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE)   2 ) Zach Ertz (PHI)   3 ) Jordan Reed (WAS)   4 ) Greg Olsen (CAR)   5 ) Travis Kelce (KC)   6 ) Martellus Bennett (GB)   7 ) Delanie Walker (TEN)   8 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA)   9 ) Kyle Rudolph (MIN)   10 ) Charles Clay (BUF)   11 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN)   12 ) Jared Cook (OAK)   13 ) Austin Hooper (ATL)   14 ) Jason Witten (DAL)   15 ) Julius Thomas (MIA)   16 ) Hunter Henry (LAC)   17 ) Coby Fleener (NO)   18 ) Benjamin Watson (BAL)   19 ) Cameron Brate (TB)   20 ) Zach Miller (CHI)   Top-15 Defenses   1 ) Seattle   2 ) Arizona   3 ) Baltimore   4 ) Oakland   5 ) Carolina   6 ) Houston   7 ) Denver   8 ) Pittsburgh   9 ) Los Angeles Rams   10 ) Philadelphia   11 ) Cincinnati   12 ) Jacksonville   13 ) Kansas City   14 ) New York Giants   15 ) Tampa Bay   Top-15 Kickers   1 ) Justin Tucker (BAL)   2 ) Stephen Gostkowski (NE)   3 ) Matt Bryant (ATL)   4 ) Giorgio Tavecchio (OAK)   5 ) Will Lutz (NO)   6 ) Blair Walsh (SEA)   7 ) Dan Bailey (DAL)   8 ) Mason Crosby (GB)   9 ) Cairo Santos (KC)   10 ) Graham Gano (CAR)   11 ) Younghoe Koo (LAC)   12 ) Brandon McManus (DEN)   13 ) Matt Prater (DET)   14 ) Dustin Hopkins (WAS)   15 ) Chris Boswell (PIT)  

‘The Bachelor’: The Women Tell All Recap

After a lot of hype, the good people at ABC give us a brief reprieve from the painful final few episodes of the Bachelor and give us some good old fashioned entertainment.  Instead of the usual “Women Who Are All Trying To Date The Same Guy Being Abusive To Each Other”, on Monday we got a 2 hour dose of the similar (but subtly different) “Women Who Have All Been Dumped By The Same Guy Being Abusive To Each Other,” aka “The Women Tell All” episode.  I believe the words you are all searching for are: Thank you, ABC.

We begin with the always fun segment where Chris Harrison and Nick break into various people’s homes who are having big Bachelor viewing parties.  For some of you aspiring (or already experienced) criminals out there, some of those houses looked nice, none of the doors were ever locked, and no one even so much as fired a warning shot over Nick’s head when he was lurking around outside in the bushes.  I’m just saying…

Some of these parties, while they looked like good clean fun, were downright crazy.  One party was all sorority girls from UCLA.  This is kind of the demographic I might expect to be holding a massive Bachelor viewing party.  Literally every one of these young women would have had sex with Nick, and maybe Chris Harrison too if the alcohol was really flowing.  Nick is maybe going to “marry” Vanessa, but I assure you he got a few numbers from these drunk women just in case.

But then some of the get-togethers were like couples with kids, and there were hundreds of people there.  Some of these middle-aged women went nuts when he came in, too.  One woman, who had balloons up spelling NICK up in her house, screamed “NICK IS IN MY LIVING ROOM!!!!” like he was Sean Connery or Paul Newman or whoever the kids today are swooning over.

The amount of time put into these gatherings was staggering.  Themed food, costumes, pictures of Nick on the mantle… no regular people I know (especially people with kids) would ever have the time to put on a show like this, so I have to assume these are affluent families who have armies of Raquels working 20 hours a day at below minimum wage to make events like this happen.  Anyway, everyone seemed thrilled to get the surprise pop-in from Nick and Chris.  As far as I know, no charges were filed on any of the numerous B & E’s that took place.

Back at the set for the Women Tell All we get a long scene of Corinne trying to open a bottle of champagne.  Classic Corinne!  She just can’t seem to get the cork out but then she finally does and gives out a playful little shriek!  Who cares that she is a soulless shell of a human being?  She’s marriage material!

Finally, the women are introduced and we get to see some of our old favorites as well as LizTaylor and Jasmine G.  There are 19 of them, which means a bunch were not invited—maybe the women who didn’t get roses at the opening cocktail party because I guess no one really gives a shit about them.  Sorry, Ida Marie.

Quick takeaways as they introduce the women—both Danielles are still really hot.  Sarah is still adorable.  Josephine looks like she is a man in really heavy drag makeup—I am having a hard time taking my eyes off her.  It’s like she thought it was a costume party and no one told her it wasn’t.

Right off the bat, we get a nice concession from Alexis (Shark Girl) that the costume she was wearing at the cocktail party was a shark and not a dolphin—which literally everyone in America other than her already knew.  Possibly with her acquiring this newfound wisdom the door still remains ajar (ever so slightly) for her to fight her way into the dolphin training industry that has been so elusive.

Chris Harrison, who is totally starved for attention as he has really seen his screen time dip this season, eagerly starts to pepper the ladies with questions designed to gas them up.  The women are like performing circus animals and take the bait instantly.  The comments come flying fast and furious.

Corinne is immediately challenged for napping at a rose ceremony.  There are 2 camps of women when it comes to Corinne.  Some of them hate her (understandably) and some of them want to be on TV and think defending her might be the best way to make that happen.  Jasmine G. is desperate to remain relevant in any way and keeps nodding vigorously at stuff people say and then trying to add her 2 cents, which usually ends up being 15 or 20 cents.  Whitney talks more in the first 3 minutes than I heard her speak the whole time she was on the show.  She does not leave me wishing she had been more vocal during the season.  RuPaul Josephine defends Corinne vehemently.

The conversation then shifts seamlessly to Taylor, and Elizabeth (who I do not remember at all) starts going on about how she is a psychology major and that Taylor is not being a responsible mental health counselor or whatever and she comes off as sounding like a perfect blend of condescending and really, really stupid.  During this verbal thrashing from Elizabeth, Taylor kind of has her tongue prominently curled up in her mouth, which is the universally recognized gesture signifying, “I am emotionally intelligent and also a bitch”.

Chris gets them to stop after a few minutes by whistling at them and making a hand motion like they are dogs.  This works surprisingly well and they all get quiet.

The Hot Seat(s)

Throughout recorded history, there has always been one great equalizer.  From the lowliest of peasants to the mightiest of kings and queens, there is one known place where the smoke and mirrors are cleared away and people are put under the microscope and exposed for who they really are.  This place is… the hot seat.

LIZ

Chris Harrison welcomes Liz to the hot seat and she is questioned about her intentions and all that good stuff.  A lot of the women jump to her defense and say she should be able to have sex with anyone she wants to and not be shamed for it, which I have never heard anyone shame her for so I guess we’re all on the same page.

She tries to give an impassioned speech to the other women complete with intense hand motions that fizzles out at the end because she has no self-awareness and is one of these people who thinks she is a lot smarter than she is (this is a recurring theme with a lot of these women).  My favorite line during this part was when Hailey defiantly announced, “Most of the world knows Liz as a woman who slept with Nick, but I know her as someone who has dug wells for orphanages”.  Give.  Me.  A.  Break.  Like they just ran into each other at a well-digging at an orphanage.  This went on for a while, but I’ve already talked about this loser for long enough.

I could see them sending Liz to Paradise, but I do not want to see her—she is my 30th favorite woman on the show.  She is a wonderful mixture of completely disingenuous and absolutely bat shit crazy.  I sincerely hope this is the pinnacle of her fame.

TAYLOR

 Taylor is a lot like Brock Osweiler.  She got put in a situation completely set up for her to be successful in, but at the end of the day she just has no game at all.  Pitting herself against someone as unlikable as Corinne seemed like a great opportunity to look good, but Taylor failed miserably.  Her time in the hot seat reminded us all why.

Emotional intelligence gets brought up right away and Taylor talks in circles and comes off as extremely unpleasant.  She (like Liz before her but worse) is nowhere near as smart as she thinks she is.  Corinne walks off for a second and then comes back with a big glass of champagne drawing a huge reaction from the crowd and stealing any remaining thunder that Taylor had or had hoped to obtain with her pathetic victim act.  Corinne is bee-bopping and scatting all over Taylor.

Taylor presents like she was trying to provide a service to Corinne by counseling her.  She says she shouldn’t be shamed for being a counselor and this has impacted her career, but I’m not totally convinced she even had a career.  She says “yes” she’s a counselor but there’s a lot more to her, too.  She never elaborates on that however, so I guess we will be left to wonder what other great mystery Taylor is concealing.  My money is on it being that not only is she totally unlikable, but she is also shallow and pretentious.

Ultimately, she asks Corinne for an apology, which makes her look really pitiful and exposes her inability to read people because there is a zero percent chance Corinne will (or should) apologize to her.  Corinne tells her to get over it, which seems like the appropriate response at this point.

Taylor would be awful in Paradise and I hope the producers can see that.  She is my 28th favorite contestant from this season (behind Liz and Jasmine G.).

CORINNE 

Corinne talks about how Taylor never got to know her before she started talking shit.  That’s fair probably, but it’s not like if she had gotten to know her Taylor would’ve been won over.  Let’s be real, Corinne is an awful person—it is only that she is being compared to Taylor that she seems even remotely appealing.

She explains her napping during the rose ceremony that time was due to an anxiety attack.  Isn’t is so sad that the little rich girl had an anxiety attack on the reality TV dating show?  I’m telling you, my heart bleeds for her.

Corinne says she never said anything about anyone in the house which elicits a lot of disagreement from the women, except Jasmine G. who keeps nodding like some sort of idiot bobble head, and Bruce Jenner Josephine who seems to have a lot invested in defending her.

At some point, Corinne says she “takes it very offensively” when Taylor questioned her intelligence.  She acknowledges that she is not “the brightest crayon in the box” though.  Then she and Taylor start going back and forth again and Jasmine G. does a lot of stupid pointing and head bobbing.

Taylor talks about how this is all overwhelming and gets choked up.  Chris Harrison really tries to get Corinne to talk with her or apologize or show some empathy to Taylor and Corinne (to her credit) is like, “no”.  Eventually Taylor ends up apologizing for saying she wouldn’t be friends with Corinne if they met off the show, which was probably not the resolution Taylor was looking for.  Then Jasmine G. desperately hoots and hollers and tries to get on camera again.

Finally, we get to talk about Raquel.  It is pretty boring, but then Corinne has people bring “cheese pasta” out to serve to the crowd which maybe saves the day.  It is unclear to me if this is just random store bought pasta or if Raquel is backstage cooking a huge vat of it.

I find Corinne to be a fairly repulsive person, but I have to admit that (unlike Taylor) she makes for some pretty good damn TV.  Do I want to see Corinne on Bachelor in Paradise?  Ummm… hell to the yeah I do.  Bring Raquel too.  She could hook up with the bartender.

KRISTINA

Coming hot off her 5th place finish, Kristina enters the hot seat having gotten pretty much no camera time up to this point.  Unlike many of her counterparts, the Russian does not seem to be a fame whore.  This makes her stand out from the other terrible, terrible women who are here.

They show her a video montage that makes her cry a little.  Chris Harrison looks concerned but it’s possibly just that the Botox makes it so his face can’t really move.  She talks about getting adopted and stuff.  Although I like her, I did not watch The Bachelor: The Women Tell All to see touching, heartwarming moments like this.  A lot of the women start crying, led by Crazy Liz who just starts sobbing.

Chris Harrison tells her she (Kristina, not Crazy Liz) is the American Dream.  The women give her a standing ovation.  That’s the end of her time in the hot seat which was not so much a hot seat as it was a celebration of her being a Russian orphan that is now a very nice looking American dental hygienist.

NICK

Finally Nick comes out looking as douchey as ever.  The women start with questions right away.

Lacey confronts him about how he talked about J. Edgar Hoover Josephine when they had time together and wanted to know if that was him “Friend Zoning” her.  She says don’t talk to your kind-of-girlfriend about your other kind-of-girlfriend.  He’s like, “who are you again?”  And she’s like, “I’m the girl who rode in on the camel”.  Just kidding, he didn’t say that–but it would’ve been funny.  Personally, I do not think it would be accurate to ever have said Lacey was Nick’s kind-of-girlfriend.

Then Nick directs his attention to Corinne and her platinum vagine.  It is a pretty boring back and forth where they are cordial to each other.

We then go to Kristina and Nick gets choked up as he starts to talk about her and how great she is.  She grills him wanting to know what was missing when he sent her home.  He seems uncomfortable, which is probably her goal.

Danielle L. then jumps in and starts crying wanting to know why he sent her home.  Jasmine G. comforts her to get on camera.  Danielle is in full-on sob mode now.  I am reminded that despite how hot she is, I think she said she never kissed a guy until she was like 18 so maybe she just isn’t emotionally equipped to deal with this.

Chris Harrison asks Nick about what it’s like being the Bachelor.  He starts to answer but I don’t care what he says so I check my email.  A couple other insignificant women (Dominique and Christen) ask him questions that are not worth reporting on.

BLOOPER REEL 

Some highlights of what was a pretty entertaining blooper reel:

  • The women totally going nuts when a bug flies around their room
  • Nick walking the wrong way to go to the rose ceremony
  • Rachel doing a video shoot in New Orleans and saying “I like to think of myself as funny” and then some guy who was walking by just yells, “You’re not funny!” (This was my personal favorite.
  • Vanessa trying to get in a hammock and falling out on her ass
  • Taylor farting in a rose ceremony
  • Raven shoving cheese cubes in Corinne’s mouth (maybe like 10)
  • The women posing for a selfie around Danielle L. who was passed out and snoring sitting up

RACHEL 

Finally, they bring out Rachel, which figures to be anti-climactic since we tuned in to see women verbally and emotionally abusing each other and Rachel is kind of too classy for that.  She comes out and does a little queen wave to everyone.  The other women stand and applaud her.  They do seem to like her, but it is a little fake because you know they are all jealous of her and hate her a little.

Chris asks Rachel some generic questions about what she is looking for in a man.  All the women start talking at once about how great Rachel is so you can’t understand anything that any of them are saying.  Chris Harrison mentions that she is the first black Bachelor or Bachelorette because none of us knew that.  They show Jasmine a bunch, I guess because she is black too.  Rachel says she is honored and humbled by the experience like she just won the Super Bowl or cured AIDS or something.

And that just about does it–these women have adequately demeaned themselves for the season.  A few of them will make appearances on Bachelor in Paradise, but the vast majority of them will fade away, never to be heard from again.  I hope you have enjoyed your time with them as much as I have.

If you haven’t already, checkout our Episode 10 Recap and check back next week for our recap of the season finale.

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