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The Bachelor Episode 11 Fantasy Recap: The Final Rose

OK fellow viewers, let’s be honest:  we’re all here for different reasons—maybe some of us are even here for the wrong reasons.  Some of us are the crazy people who are hosting massive Bachelor viewing parties.  Some of us were dragged into it because our wife or girlfriend loves the show and we are trying to keep a failing marriage together for a couple more weeks.  Some of us want to be watching the Hawks vs. the Spurs but our remote is missing and so we’re screwed because the TV is stuck on ABC.  Some of you drank yourself to sleep hours ago and will be counted as viewers because you left the TV on.  And some of us need to watch because we run a fantasy league and write recaps of the episodes.  No matter what brought you here today, we just gotta get through this one together.  They’re gonna stretch this out into a 2 hour embarrassment and are going to try really hard to make us think Vanessa will not be picked, and then she will be.  I know I’ve teased Raven for being from a hick town all season, but she deserves more than getting dumped by this ass clown on national TV.

Chris Harrison (in front of the obligatory live studio audience) tells us we will see something we have never seen on this stage later tonight and we can’t miss it.  Obviously it’s going to be some combination of people who they’ve never thought to put out there together, but just once I’d like them to really have to come through when they make a statement like that.  I want to see them wheel a cage out with a creature in it with the body of a dolphin, the head of a panther and with man arms and genitals and be like, “See?  I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before!”  And we’d be like, “Damn, we sure haven’t.  They really delivered tonight.”  But that isn’t going to happen.

Back in the couple of sunlit hours that Finland affords us every day, we see the lovely Viall family, headed by Nick’s mother who is still desperately clinging to her lifelong dream of being 25 when she is like 60.  Remember, Raven actually met the family in Wisconsin and bonded with Nick’s little sister earlier in the season.  This will have no effect on what happens as far as who he will pick, but I am mentioning it anyway for some reason.

Raven shows up is greeted warmly by the Viall clan.  They chat and have a meal and Raven makes a toast to family.  Nick’s little sister Bella loves Raven and now they are chatting and so this will not only be hard for Raven to get over, but little Bella will also be heartbroken.  She tells Raven she wants her to win, which Vanessa will probably not be too happy with.  Raven tells her she will not like the other girl which is funny as well as true.  The couple of months while Nick and Vanessa are engaged before their public breakup will be difficult for Bella, as if adolescence isn’t tough enough as it is.

Now Raven talks to the serial killer looking father.  She talks about how she told Nick she loved him but he didn’t say it back.  The father leaves feeling she is more mature than he initially thought she’d be and wondering if he could fit her body in the crawlspace above the garage if he were in a pinch.

She talks to the mother next, who seems less like she is listening to Raven and more like she is sizing her up to cast some sort of spell that would allow her to drain Raven’s youth and transfer it to herself.  When the mom talks to Nick, he says Raven is fantastic, which sounds like something Donald Trump would say about someone he hated.

The next day, Nick brings Vanessa by to see the family.  I notice for the first time that he has this brother who looks like a doofier version of Nick.  As an aside, there should be a spin-off show with just people’s doofy siblings—I would absolutely watch.  She tells them a lot about herself, then she tells them how she threw up on their zero-gravity date.  They all stare at her for a while.  Then she gets a little choked up and piano music plays to break the monotony.

Nick’s dad mentions that Vanessa is his (Nick’s) type, but he has not had a lot of success with that type.  His dad talks about how love isn’t enough, you have to sacrifice and stuff.  Then the dad cries, which I wish I could penalize him for.  Then Vanessa cries (-2).  Vanessa is a huge fantasy dud for someone who is going to win the show due to her incessant crying.  Outside, they make out (+1) and Vanessa leaves.

Vanessa: Meeting an Old Man in the Woods

For some reason, we are still in Finland.  It is the next day and Nick meets up with Vanessa for their last date before they begin a life of bliss together that I cannot imagine anything ever going wrong for them in.  They make out (+1).  The two of them walk through the woods and there are these 2 horses waiting, which they mount ably.  They ride through the snow covered woods which I admit are beautiful.  Finally, they come across a cabin in the middle of the woods.  They knock, there is rustling inside and eventually Santa Claus comes out.  He hugs them and invites them indoors.

I feel like I should mention that there is at least a small chance that this is not actually Santa Claus but just a deranged Finnish man living alone in the woods with a long, white beard.  But anyway, they act like he is Santa Claus, trusting him completely and accepting his hospitality blindly which if there weren’t cameras around would almost certainly be the end of them both.

Santa” asks them what is on their wish lists.  Nick says love, which has to be the cheesiest answer ever and he deserves to be punched for.  Vanessa says ending up with the person she loves which is just as bad.  Santa gently reminds them of good health, because it’s no fun to be together if you’re dead.   Then he gives them a present; it’s a picture of them which is a little disappointing because I was hoping he was going to give them a brand new DVD player.  If you think about it, bringing Santa in to endorse the relationship isn’t fair.  Unless Raven brings in Beyonce or Carrot Top, she has no chance to match that sort of star power.

Now they leave Santa and talk seriously for a few minutes, which is what we all tuned in for.  It is boring as hell.  He says if they end up together it’s because their relationship is better than all the past ones—even the ones who rejected him.  Vanessa says she isn’t down with just being slightly better than these past women; she doesn’t want to share that.  My wife says she gets her point.  Again, they are going out of their way to make us think Vanessa will not get picked which is transparently misleading.

Later that night, Vanessa and Nick chat AGAIN; this time she say she is seeking reassurance-which is the same thing she has wanted every time she has ever talked to Nick.  She feels like he answers things very generally (which is true) and she wants specific answers.  He says because he has been willing to be engaged twice (like that makes him a hero instead of a loser), he is very careful with his heart.  She keeps talking about how she is scared and how things are scary—you would think a teacher could maybe come up with a synonym or two somewhere in there, but no.

She says she wants to say “yes” with her entire heart if she does say that.  She really wants things to be romantic, blah, blah, blah.  Nick talks and talks and blah, blah, blahs right back at her.  Tells her when she has been with her, he has only thought of her.  He talks about how they’ve had different paths to get here.  He throws a few other tired clichés out there too that are not worthy of getting into this finely written article.  They are about to make out and then Vanessa cries (-2).

Raven: The Final Hurrah

The next day he meets up with Raven and they ice skate and have a good time and make out (+1).  He talks about how easy and fun she is.  He tells her his family loved her.  He says he was glad she could meet his mom, which sounds like something you’d say to someone who you knew would never see your mom again.  My wife thinks Nick looks sick to his stomach.

After a while, Nick leaves and comes back with 2 husky puppies.  This makes Raven soooo happy like when I jingle my keys for my 19 month-old son.  She says she hopes her kids with Nick are as cute as these puppies (I seriously doubt that).  These dogs reek of parting gifts—except I don’t think she’ll get to keep them so… not such a great gift.

Later that night, he goes and visits Raven.  She asks how he is doing.  He says he can’t move his neck because he is so stressed which is a pretty good indicator he is not going to be picking her.  Poor Nick.  Poor, poor Nick.  He says he cares about them both so much.  They talk a bunch but it is super boring—Nick looks really uncomfortable and is having a hard time faking this.  They make out (+1).  Then he “thanks her for everything”.  He is “proud” that she is here.

Could she possibly be not hearing the words coming out of his mouth?  I guess not.  She hears, “I am totally in love with you and am going to ask you to marry me.”  This reminds me of one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons, where Marge tells Homer he isn’t listening to her and just hearing what he wants to hear and Homer responds, “Thanks, I’d love an omelet right about now”.

Back at the studio, Chris Harrison asks the crowd if they are excited and they give a very half-hearted round of applause because they already know what’s going to happen and they’re probably a little drunk but not drunk enough to be hooting and hollering for dumb shit.

Neal Lane visits Nick for the 3rd (4th if you count when Jasmine G. brought him to the opening cocktail party earlier this season) time so Nick can pick out a wedding ring.  He says finding the perfect ring is going to be the 2nd hardest thing he will do today—I assume the hardest thing will be looking himself in the mirror and convincing himself he isn’t a pathetic, sniveling fame whore.

We see Vanessa and Raven prepping for their big moments.  Raven says she sees Nick as a husband and a father.  In contrast, I see Nick as a disgusting excuse for a human who has become close friends with Neal Lane due to his ineptitude as a man.  She says she is ready for her fairy tale, but unfortunately for her this is going to be one of those old-school German fairy tales they used to tell where the kids die in the end and it serves as a cautionary tale not to mouth off to your parents or take the last piece of bacon without asking.

The Raven Dumping

When Andi Dorfman dumped Nick, she had the class to not have him show up and propose wearing a tux like an idiot and embarrass himself (further) in front of millions.  She just came to his hotel room and cut the cord real smooth like—which led to Nick infamously blowing her up on live TV later on for “making love to him but not being in love with him”, which I guess made her a bad person.  Nick decides to go for the route of maximum humiliation and allow Raven to get dressed up, look her best, and show up expecting a proposal from the man she loves.

At least he isn’t going to allow her to launch into a long speech about how she has no doubts about marrying him and how she is in love with him.  Oh wait—yes he is.  This is so mean; he just lets her go on.  She talks about how he is honest and kind and he looks like he is going to throw up.  He should just stop her immediately.  She tells him she is ready and sure and reiterates that she loves him.

Nick starts rambling and ominous music plays and she realizes (several days too late) that he is going to dump her.  He says he doesn’t know if he is “in love” and that “his heart is somewhere else” (I’m not sure if he has looked for it, but if I had to guess I would say it is probably crammed up his own ass hole).  He cries, as if he is the one being tortured here instead of us, the viewing public.  He gets to do this again with someone he actually wants in ten minutes, so I think he’ll be OK.

Raven is fairly stoic in rejection, but you can see a tear roll down her cheek (-2) for the first time all season, unlike Vanessa the Human Saline Drip.  In the limo, Raven questions if it is just that “no one can feel that way about me” as if going on a TV dating show where you are 1 of 30 contestants is the best possible way to meet someone and it is only going to be tougher after this now that she is famous.

Settling For Vanessa

They keep trying to make us think Vanessa might say no, which would never happen in a million years because they are both eager to spend as much time on the air as possible.  Vanessa gets out of her vehicle as a curious reindeer looks on.  You can tell by the way the reindeer looks at her approvingly that Nick is going to propose to her.

When she comes in, Vanessa does not go into a speech.  Instead Nick launches into a stupid oration and tells her he is in love with her.  Then Vanessa cries (-2) because that’s what she does better than anything.  She talks and talks and romantic music plays which is a lot more pleasant than hearing her talk.

Nick gets down on one knee and proposes.  She says yes and acts like this is all so shocking.  Then he gives her the final rose and they begin a blissful 6-8 weeks of engagement together that will come to a crashing halt when Nick sends a picture of his junk to one of those sorority girls he met at UCLA and won’t move to Canada.  Magical.  Just magical.

Fantasy Scoring Breakdown 

Raven: 8 points (runner up, making out x 2, crying)

Vanessa: 6 points (winner, making out x 3, crying x 3)

We’ll be back to recap the After the Final Rose special tomorrow, and I’ll be back with a Bachelor: By the Numbers article to answer questions about total make outs, crying, and other interesting Bachelor facts.  I’ll also break down the fantasy scoring for the season.  Thanks for reading and be sure to follow along for our Survivor and Dancing With the Stars coverage!

One Comment

  1. Janna

    March 14, 2017 at 1:43 pm

    The best recap evah!! Cannot wait to read your DWTS recaps,

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