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The Bachelor: After the Final Rose Recap

Chris Harrison welcomes us to this special event and immediately informs us that this is a “historic” After the Final Rose show.  He reminds us of the special surprise he hinted at before—how there was going to be something happening that we had never seen before—and now he doubles down.  Chris Harrison, always the showman, ups the ante by saying it will be “the most shocking, dramatic moment in Bachelor History.  Ever”.  This is a direct quote.

The most shocking moment in Bachelor history, ever.  That is really saying something.  Remember when The Bachelor literally switched the girl he was going to pick after the show had ended and revealed it on live TV?  Remember when that woman got caught having sex with a producer?  Remember when Jake Pavelka and Vienna had that tell all interview after they broke up?  Remember when that guy Justin had a girlfriend at home and Ali chased him through the streets demanding he face her?  Remember when that crazy guy Kasey got a tattoo and then incessantly talked about guarding and protecting Ali’s heart until he got sent home?  Remember when Olivia inexplicably tried to make her whole season about her toes?  Remember when Chad said he was going to cut off everyone’s arms and legs and leave all their torsos in the pool?  Hell, remember everything else Chad did?  Those were pretty shocking moments.  So unless you’re coming out here and telling me that Kaitlyn Bristowe has been a man trapped in the cruel confines of a woman’s body for her whole life and is taking the plunge and having a sex change on the air tonight, I assure you this line by Chris Harrison is a lie.  Nevertheless, I am looking forward to seeing what they give us and then tearing it down for all of your amusement.

He welcomes Nick Viall to the stage and congratulates him on behalf of the entire Bachelor nation.  Nick says he is very happy.  Immediately, Chris wants to talk to him about RavenNick is going to see her tonight for the first time since he left her in Finland (you don’t hear that phrase often).  And… here she comes.

Raven comes out and hugs Nick and has a seat next to him.  Chris Harrison asks her if there is anything she wants to say to Nick.  She almost apologizes for being so stoic when he dumped her (because she was processing what had just happened) which is ridiculous.  She admits she was very confident Nick was going to propose to her in Finland, which I am sure made the situation pretty terrible.

There are a couple feet between them on the couch but it is like a brick wall separates them.  Neither of them looks comfortable, neither of them is moving an inch towards the other.  She tells him she is happy for him that he didn’t get rejected by Vanessa—I am not sure if this was a dig at him or not.  Chris Harrison asks Raven if she thinks Nick and Vanessa will get married.  She talks in circles and eventually kind of says yes.  Then he asks Raven if she’ll go on Bachelor in Paradise and she says she’s always looking for love, and if Nick can go on there and find love than she can too.  (Just for the record, he didn’t—but he did almost get beat up by Josh Murray.)  So I guess we’ll be seeing Raven in Mexico in the near future.

Chris Harrison says the last time we saw Nick and Vanessa, they looked like the happiest people in the world.  (This is patently false.)  Vanessa comes out and talks about how sometimes this relationship has been hard because it’s all televised.  She says they have a very open relationship (and then quickly clarifies that she means in terms of communication) and they are very honest with each other.

You can tell she is an extremely high maintenance and jealous person.  She has been talking for several minutes and I have not heard her say anything about how good things are with Nick without qualifying it in some way.  There is lots of complaining going on and she is coming off as a huge pain in the ass.  Vanessa says that now it feels normal to wake up with him and have him cook breakfast for her.  (She probably shouldn’t get used to the whole breakfast thing.)

Chris Harrison mentions that now they have been openly together for a few days and asks how that has been.  She answers in the most romantic way possible by saying “busy”.  He talks about how they both have strong personalities and asks if they have had any knock down-drag out fights yet.  She admits that yes, they have already had some huge fights—some days have been easier than others.  This is not normal—to already be fighting like crazy a few days into the relationship.  They seem like the type of couple you would have over for a dinner party and they’d ruin the vibe by making backhanded comments about the other one to the group all night.

Chris then says he knows Vanessa is tired of sitting out here with him—she wants to sit out here with her new fiancée (which she totally did not say or imply).  Nick comes out and they have a long, forced kiss that reminds me of when Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley kissed at the start of the MTV music awards a long time ago.  As they get talking, neither of them looks happy at all.  He says they’re still getting to know each other and trying to be realistic.  Vanessa kind of has this disdainful way she looks at Nick when he talks.  This whole scene is going to get really old… really fast.

Vanessa says her biggest fear is this not working out, which is a pretty tame biggest fear as far as that sort of thing goes—I’d be way more scared of being swallowed whole by an anaconda, but that’s just me.  Chris asks them if they’re going to get married and she says, “We’re taking baby steps” which is Canadian for, “Of course not.  We already hate each other.”  There is no fucking way they are going to get married.

Chris plugs Nick’s upcoming appearance on Dancing With The Stars (which we, at the Roto Street Journal are proud to be rolling out a fantasy league for this season) to break the awkwardness.  This has got to be the least happy couple celebrating their engagement at an After the Final Rose show I have ever seen.  Mercifully, we say our good-byes to this doomed pair at this point.

Finally, Rachel comes out and she looks smoking hot.  She says she hopes to have as much success as people have in the past as far as finding true love on the show.  Now, I’m no expert, but I think there have been around 36 installments of the Bachelor franchise and by my count there are like maybe 5 couples who are married and a couple more who are not broken up (yet).  So… like maybe 20% at the most have not yet ended their relationships.  Not the best odds, but evidently that’s what Rachel is shooting for.

Now Chris Harrison reveals the epic historical surprise he has been alluding to all night long.  The Bachelorette… starts right now!  They wheel in a shitty canvas backdrop made to look like the mansion.  Rachel is gonna meet a few guys right now which seems a little unfair to me, but whatever.

I can remember where I was when I heard the Challenger went down.  I remember the Berlin Wall coming down and the feelings of hope we all collectively felt on that glorious day.  I remember when the John Elway Broncos finally won the Super Bowl and suddenly I felt like I could breathe for the first time since I was like 10.  And now, I will be able to share with my children (and dare I hope… my grandchildren?) about where I was that time the Bachelorette started a little early.

A nice looking black fella (I am going to be mentioning the race of the contestants a lot because I am very curious to see the racial breakdown on this season) named Demario comes out and informs her she doesn’t have to meet any more guys because he’s the guy.  He has tickets to Vegas for her and maybe an engagement ring too?  Not too shabby.

Then a white guy comes out.  His name is Blake.  He shakes her hand then kisses her hand and hugs her and he seems extremely uncomfortable.  He tells her he is nervous but does mention that she smells good.  Then they pose for some pictures—there does not seem to be much in the way of chemistry.  He’s going to have to do better when he meets her for real on the show.

Chris Harrison comes out and asks how it’s going.  She says they can stop right now after meeting those two great guys.  I agree; they should totally stop it now and just make the whole show Demario vs. Blake.  #BlakevsDemario1on1

Then this other guy who I think is white (he is definitely not black) named Dean comes out.  He says he is “ready to go black and is never going back”.  Then there is no mansion for him to slink into so it’s kind of awkward as they stand there together after this terrible, terrible line.

Then Eric (another black guy, so we are running at 50% right now) from Baltimore comes out.  He seems like a nice guy and they dance a little bit after having met each other which I am pretty much positive white contestants have never done.  Middle American senior citizens are probably extremely uncomfortable with this development.

Chris Harrison comes out and shuts things down now, leaving us to all sit and process the unbelievable history we have just witnessed.  As he’s saying good-bye to us, he plugs Nick and Vanessa’s upcoming appearance on Jimmy Kimmel and then kind of casually throws in that the twins (Emily and Hailey) have a spinoff show debuting on March 24th as well.  Say whaaaat????

If you didn’t happen to catch the After the Final Rose portion, here is the episode in full:

It’s been a fun season; thanks for reading our rants and following along throughout the season. If this year’s lucky “winners” are still together in 2 or 3 months, I will be pretty damn shocked. Be sure to follow us for our Survivor and Dancing With the Stars recaps.

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