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The Trillest’s Wrestlemania 33 Predictions
- Updated: April 1, 2017
If you are a fan of wrestling, at this time tomorrow you will be eagerly awaiting the start of Wrestlemania 33. And, if you are watching Wrestlemania 33, a good number of you have already read the predictions of a dozen “experts.” For the sake of expediency, sanity, and efficiency, I’m going to do something that every wrestling fan and writer struggles with: I’m going to get to the point, and do it quickly.
There are many times my students are burdened with writing a story using only three-word sentences, or writing the much-dreaded six-word story. I figured it’s time I sharpen my empathy skills and tell you the story of each Wrestlemania match (along with some surprise appearances) in just six words.
The Trillest’s Completed Wrestlemania 33 Scorecard and Six-word Predictions
A Night of Title Changes:
(Predicted winners are underlined)
- Austin Aries vs. Neville (C): Aries is arguably Raw’s hottest act.
- Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Carmella vs. Naomi vs. Mickie James vs. Alexa Bliss (C): Naomi’s return is her “Wrestlemania moment.”
- Cesaro & Sheamus vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (C): The underdogs finally reach the top.
- Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose (C): Ambrose has long been painfully stale.
- Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax vs. Bayley (C): Heart beats power, strength, and agility.
- Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho (C): Owens ‘s physicality and power take control.
- Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt (C): Wyatt’s mystical powers are too much.
- Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg (C): Two moves aren’t enough to retain.
A Little Too Obvious:
- Braun Strowman wins the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: Is there any other logical choice?
“Are You a Moron?”
- The Miz & Maryse vs. John Cena & Nikki Bella: Miz won’t take humiliation lying down.
The Grudge Matches:
- AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon: AJ’s the most gifted wrestler, period.
- Seth Rollins vs HHH: HHH’s ego won’t subside again, folks.
- Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker: The Dead Man can barely walk.
The Grand Finale:
- The Final Camera Shot of Wrestlemania 33: Strowman’s work has earned the spotlight.
Although the night after Mania is more famous for debuts and returns—we’re looking at you Shinsuke Nakamura and Finn Balor—expect there to still be some interesting surprises:
***I did not include Jim Ross on my list due his appearance already being widely reported and confirmed.***
- Kurt Angle: Fans want this more than ever.
- Mick Foley: He might come to Rollins’s aid.
- The Hardy Boyz: Wrestling’s hottest act finally cashes in.
- Victoria: Rumors have been swirling for years.
- Brie Bella: If Nikki wins, she will celebrate.
- Hulk Hogan (write-in) : It’s wrestling; stranger things have happened.
Will the Trillest’s scorecard win his Wrestlemania pool? Will his choices be pure brilliance, brutal stupidity, or thwarted by shocking surprises? Either way, there will be an endless amount of regretful second-guessing; that is what fantasy sports are all about! And prove your Wrestling worth by filling in your own scorecard and topping our own experts — will post viewer submissions!