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Big Valbowski’s Wrestlemania 33 Preview & Predictions

‘Twas the day of Mania, Roto Streeters!! The Vegas Lines are set, NXT takes the stage tonight in their hometown of Orlando, and we are zero sleeps away; our Christmas morning has arrived! We got a quick preview of the Wrestlemania stage from hosts The New Day, and boy does it look ridiculous. The Big Valbowski is here to give you a preview of the most important matches, along with my Wrestlemania 33 predictions for each match.

Before we dive in, this musical interlude is provided by Kurt Angle (please show up tonight!)

The WWE and Universal Title Matches

Brock Lesnar vs. (c) Goldberg

(C) Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

The two mega-matches, feature two very different booking styles. RAW has the mainstream appeal, the two biggest names outside of The Rock in the world of wrestling. Smackdown has two full timers, in a well built, 6 month long storyline, climaxing at just the right time.

Valbowski Picks: Brock Lesnar and Bray Wyatt

Brock Lesnar has shockingly done nothing but get beat up by Goldberg at Survivor Series and Royal Rumble. Since his return in 2012, The Beast Incarnate has proven he doesn’t mind taking big time losses here and there, because he’s a business, man. Still, he knows that Vince McMahon doesn’t cut him huge paychecks to look bad in the big picture. Two quick appearances putting Goldberg over was surely the carrot Vince put in front of Brock to facilitate a Wrestlemania Universal Title win, further cementing Lesnar’s legacy.
Meanwhile, everything is being built up for Randy Orton to win here, but after Bray Wyatt was singled out by The Rock last year and praised, I can’t imagine the “peaked in 2009” Orton winning the WWE Title. The much anticipated Sister Abigail debut is hopefully finally happening, an event we really haven’t seen anything like since the hype and debut of Undertaker’s brother, Kane. I think Orton goes to win with the RKO, and Sister Abigail debuts to help Bray win.

Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

There is a rumor this one is going on last, and Undertaker will retire after putting over Boredom Rains.

Valbowski Pick: Roman Reigns

I’m going to throw up in my mouth when the WWE Vin Diesel pins arguably the greatest WWE performer in the entire history of the company at Wrestlemania, but it’s sure as shit happening. If Undertaker does somehow win, it will be the biggest shock since Goldberg beat Brock last November.

AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon

Cue all of the internet wrestling fans griping and complaining that “AJ is being wasted on Shane”. Shut your GODDAMN mouth. How the fuck can internet fans complain about WWE right now??? We just finished a run of Kevin Owens and AJ Styles being the faces of the company, and they both have marquee matches at Wrestlemania! If you had told me a few years ago that both Owens and Styles would work Mania vs. Chris Jericho, I would tell you those are both dream matches. If you also told me that Vince trusted AJ Styles to work his son, one year after Shane stepped in to literally save Wrestlemania with the Hell in a Cell match, I would have told you that would be groundbreaking.

Valbowski Pick: Shane McMahon

Shane is due for a W, and I think this is how they get Styles to RAW for the Bullet Club reunion with Finn Balor and The Club.

Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho

(United States Title Match)

The greatest storyline of the last 6 months has been the Best Friends angle between these two glorious Canadians. Owens finally pulled a HBK, and put Jericho through the proverbial barber shop window.
Valbowski Pick: Kevin Owens
Jericho’s band Fozzy is going on tour, and Big Kev is going to be put on the map in a huge way coming out of this feud as the winner and champion. If it wasn’t for Goldberg‘s return, this match would have been the Universal Title match, and headlined the whole damn show.

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse

A bizarre waste of the biggest name in the PG Era, and the best overall mic worker in the company.

Valbowski Pick: The Miz and Maryse.

Here’s my theory, The Miz and Maryse cheat and win the match. Heartbroken, Nikki Bella goes to leave the ring. Big Match John then drops to one knee, takes a wedding ring out of his jorts, and wifes up Nikki Cena. 

Triple H vs Seth Rollins

 A lot of people are shocked that A.) this is even still happening, and B.) that Vince waited so long before making the match “official”. It reeks of some kind of swerve, but I can’t put my finger on where it will come.

Valbowski Pick: Seth Rollins

Samoa Joe and Finn Balor will no doubt be involved in the fuckery, and it will result in HHH taking the clean loss to Rollins.

Charlotte vs. Bayley vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

(RAW Women’s Title Elimination Match) 

 The last of the marquee matches on the card pits the Top 4 women on the RAW roster. Three of them are steeped in history, and the other one is Roman Reigns‘ cousin.

Valbowski Pick: Bayley

The inclusion of Nia Jax in this is logical, as she’s playing the same role Big Show played at Wrestlemania 2000. The immovable object that the babyfaces, and even the heel, don’t know how to counter with, so everyone teams up against her. Nia goes out first, followed by Sasha, and Bayley pins Charlotte.
This wraps up The Big Valbowski’s preview of all things relevant at ‘Mania. Be sure to turn up the excitement at your party with our very-own Fantasy WWE Wrestlemania 33 Scorecard, user-submissions encouraged to our Instagram, Twitter, and/or Facebook Page!

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