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Bachelorette 2016 – The Second Tier

As you pace back and forth considering your strategy for your upcoming Bachelorette fantasy draft, consider our next group of eager guys who are trying to catch Jo Jo Fletcher’s eye.  Or, if you’re one of those people who just watch the show and don’t actively gamble on it–you will probably enjoy this too.

ALEX

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Alex is a US Marine, which is not a bad way to get your foot in the door—women seem to love army guys and firefighters. It also might mean he’s out of town a lot, so if Jo-Jo is still into hooking up with hockey and/or basketball players (which I heard on a podcast once), this line of work may end up being a great fit for her lifestyle.

He is 5’7” (not sure if a short guy has ever won the Bachelorette), 25 years old, and has a bunch of tattoos—but they are all “work or family related” so I guess that makes it OK. He went through a “skater phase” earlier in life that he is now embarrassed by. He typically only slow dances, and is not into the whole “booty dancing” kind of thing. This is unfortunate, because at least to me, Jo-Jo seems like she may be into the whole “booty dancing” kind of thing.

He considers himself a romantic and actually says he loves it when someone just looks into his eyes. I can’t relate to that personally—extended eye contact seems a little much to me, and usually means you want to fight someone. Just for the record, initiating a fight under our Bachelorette fantasy rubric will get you 5 points, but losing the fight would result in losing 10. Just sayin’.

Also, this one time he “ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver to safety”.  What??!!  This is thrown in casually at the end of his ABC.com profile inteview. If I had done this, it would literally be the first thing I told anyone about myself in any sort of interaction.

Stranger on the subway walking past me: Excuse me, can I squeeze by?

Me: I once pulled an unconscious person out of a burning car after ripping off the door.

Alex is a Tiki Barber type—a short, good looking guy with a twin. Sadly retired, Tiki doesn’t seem to have a ton of fantasy value, but had a pretty good career and as recently as a couple of years ago he was angling to come back to the pros (but receiving no interest). But come on—take a flier on him. There’s no way he’s worse than Trent Richardson.  And neither is Alex.

CHAD

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Now, before you try to figure out what kind of a guy Chad is, ask yourself this: Have you ever met anyone named Chad who wasn’t a total douchebag?  I predict this guy will make you fall back onto your old prejudices pretty quickly. A “luxury real estate agent”, Chad prides himself on his wittiness and his confidence. He also says he is good hearted, but seriously–gimme a fucking break with that.  A good hearted luxury salesman named Chad?  He might as well be a unicorn riding the Loch Ness monster.

Chad is 6’2”, 28 years old, with no tattoos. He lists his greatest achievement as being born good looking—so if you were holding out hope that between luxury real estate deals he had hammered out a cure for cancer somewhere along the line, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

He was asked the following hard-hitting questions:

1) Who do you admire most in the world?

2) If you could have dinner with anyone in the world who would it be?

3) If you could be anyone else in the world for a day, who would it be?

His answer to all 3 of them was… himself in 10 years.   And then he said “all right, all right, all right” after that. These are  direct quotes. What a loser.

Also, his favorite movie is the Notebook, so there’s that.

If I’m making a fantasy football comparison, this guy reminds me of Jay Cutler. There’s a chance he could be successful; he’s got some talent and REALLY believes in himself. But do I want him to succeed?  Absolutely not.  I hate him.

CHRISTIAN

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Christian is a 26 year old telecom consultant. This may or may not be an actual job. If I were on the lam for some reason and was trying to keep a low profile in a bar in Tennessee or something and the bartender was trying to make small talk and asked me what I did for a living, there’s a decent chance I’d say I was a telecom consultant. Once I put that out there, he would immediately lose interest in me and would have no follow up questions at all and forget he had ever seen me.  I would then fade back into the shadows.

This guy’s answers to most of the questions ABC.com asked were pretty damn normal. His favorite movies: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, the Matrix. He likes it when his dates are adventurous and open to new things. He dislikes it when his dates are high maintenance and snobby. He hates pretentious people. He prides himself on his work ethic and his ability to connect with all types of people.   Still waiting for that red flag…

His ex-girlfriend ended up with custody of their Chihuahua after their breakup and that made him a little sad, but come on—he’s not made out of stone. However, if he thinks about this and cries during the season, he will lose 5 points under our fantasy Bachelor scoring system—so buyer beware.

He lists the most outrageous thing he has ever done as “strip shows and lap dances in college”. It is unclear whether he was giving or receiving in these instances, but either way I would not consider this to be a very impressive #1 on someone’s all time crazy list. It’s fair to say Christian is a long shot as far as someone who is going to end the first cocktail party with a lampshade on his head and his pants around his ankles, but never say never.

On paper this guy seems pretty damn good. Is he what Jo Jo is looking for? Gotta tune in to find out.

LUKE

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Sometimes you have to go against your gut feelings about a guy and ask yourself, “if I were a gorgeous 25 year old woman, would I be into this guy?”  Because he isn’t doing anything at all for the 38 year old father in me. But there are clearly guys who are worse, so Luke makes it into the 2nd tier. This season is going to at the very least answer this question for me: Do women think hair like Luke’s looks good?  Because if so, I have really lost my way.

Let’s start with the obvious positives: Luke is a war veteran, which is right up there with firefighter as the profession you are not allowed to vote out early. Also, Jubilee was a well-liked contestant on last season’s Bachelor, and it seems like ABC wants to ride that wave of popularity if possible.

Luke would like to be the President of the United States if he could be anyone for a day. I can honestly say if I were given the option of being anyone for a day, the President would not crack my top ten million choices—it just seems like there are so many better options unless you were specifically planning on launching a nuclear strike or something.

Now, if he could have lunch with anyone, it would be Mark Cuban. I would have totally reversed these answers. I’d way rather have lunch with the President than be him. And I’d way rather be Mark Cuban for a day than the President, as he has way more money without having to take the blame for anything bad that happened in the entire country that day.

Unless Luke starts talking at the cocktail party and blows me away with his dizzying intellect, which I consider a serious long shot—like a Cordarelle Patterson learning how to run good pass routes long shot—I will be actively pulling against him. But there’s something telling me he may last a while.

ROBBY

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Robby is a 27 year old “former competitive swimmer”, which means at least 2 things:

  1. He is probably built like a swimmer, which I think women like.
  1. He almost certainly has no job.

Michael Phelps has made a pretty good living as a swimmer. Quick—name another professional swimmer!  If you said Ryan Lochte, good for you.  If you stared at the screen blankly, you begin to see my argument.  And this guy doesn’t even say he was a pro—just that he was formerly competitive. He may have just been challenging people to races in the deep end at the local pool for all we know. Good luck landing a lucrative career as a color commentator on the Swimming Channel with that resume, Robby. (Disclaimer—I do not know if there is a Swimming Channel. But if there isn’t, it only makes my point all the more valid.)

When asked who he would want to have lunch with, he said his grandfather who he never got to meet but his mother told him he was a lot like. I thought that was a good answer—certainly a lot better than Luke’s transparent ass kissing of Mark Cuban.

Robby stresses that he is very comfortable in swimwear, specifically Speedos. Whenever Speedos are being worn, there is a chance of having to get something blurred out around the crotch area when you’re on TV. If that happens, expect a big Bachelorette Fantasy payoff (+5) for nudity. Hell, it could happen every week if they stay in a hotel with a nice pool.

When asked if he plans on having kids, he is adamant that he will have lots. He comes from a large family, he says, and so “there is no chance we stop at 2!” So if Jo Jo is not trying to have at least 3 kids (and it really sounds like Robby is planning on having even more) she is going to send this guy packing. Hopefully if you draft Robby on your fantasy squad, he won’t announce his plans to reproduce like a maniac right when he gets out of the limo and will hang around a while. 

I know what you’re saying—even the guys in the top 2 tiers seem like absolute tools. Well… wait until you see the rest. Tomorrow I’ll round out the top 15, and then Sunday we’ll take a quick look at the dregs.   –The Truth

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