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Bachelorette 2016 – The 3rd Tier

These next 5 guys aren’t going to be hoisting the trophy this year.  However, as long as they can avoid major missteps, they may get to sit on a couch with Jo Jo Fletcher a couple times and reveal some major childhood trauma before she sends them packing.

CHASE

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Chase is a medical sales rep who is 6’3” and describes himself as honest and ambitious with a great sense of humor. So far so good. It gets better.

He says he is so laid back that he will have fun no matter what situation he is put in. If this true, it is a truly fantastic quality to have.

Infected Man in Hospital: (screaming) Someone’s unleashed a biological weapon in the bus station! Everyone is infected with an uncurable super virus! We’re all going to die! This is awful!  Literally like the worst day ever!!!!

Chase: (in a super laid back tone)  I’m having a great time; I can’t feel my body from the waist down. What an experience, eh?

If Chase could be anyone for a day, he would choose… his dad.   Odd choice in my opinion. No offense to my father, but if I had the option of being anybody for a day, my dad would definitely not be anywhere on the list. Unless your father is Michael Jordan or a mafia boss, I’m sure you can come up with someone better.

Now, Chase makes one thing clear in his profile—no matter how much he loved a girl, he would never sell his truck. That’s cool. Women love it when they find out there’s some material thing that you love more than them. I mean they just eat that up. Rest assured that if Jo Jo and Chase become an item, this truck is going to play a part in their future relationship. And not in a good way.

But don’t worry, they won’t become an item.

DANIEL

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Daniel describes himself as a male model. One would wonder why he chose to specify his gender–Chase did not identify himself as a male medical sales rep, but I guess Daniel just really wanted to make sure there was no confusion.  He does not have any tattoos “for the same reason you don’t put stickers on a Lambo”. Let that one sink in for a minute.  The fact that humility is not listed as one of his 3 best attributes should not come as much of a shock to anyone.

His biggest fear on a date is that she “won’t look like she does in the pictures”.  Mine would probably be that after I ordered and drank some expensive coffee some jerk would come out from the back with a video camera and tell me I had been drinking Folger’s crystals the whole time and make me look like an asshole. Or maybe the restaurant catching on fire. To each his own I guess.

Daniel is not a romantic, but he “can have good manners”.

In case anyone was concerned about this, Daniel is comfortable wearing swimwear in public. Like, really very comfortable. “Why have a Lambo if you’re going to keep it in the garage,” he asks pointedly.

At this point I’m just going to name something here: If you refer to yourself as “a Lambo” more than once in an 8 or 9 question interview, you are a great candidate to get punched in the face by a drunk guy on TV who is trying to nail the same woman as you. I will be eagerly waiting for this to happen. I also want to see what someone who is a dickhead of this magnitude considers “having good manners”.

JAKE

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Jake is a 27 year-old landscape architect who prides himself on his humility, intellect, and courage.

He is not scared of any animals because, as he puts it, “top of the food chain”. Well sure, but just because our species has figured out how to use the wheel and send emails doesn’t mean I don’t have a healthy fear of sharks, tigers, pythons, and hundreds of other critters. He may want to reconsider that whole top of the food chain position if he ever finds himself face to face with a polar bear or Tom Cable.

Jake lists Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 among his favorite movies, just like most people who pride themselves on their intellect would. I had no idea there was a third movie in the series, so for all I know it’s a classic and I just missed it.

He is direct, which I appreciate.  When asked where he sees himself in 5 years. “Married to the Bachelorette with our first child,” he says. Cool. You know what would have been a better answer? “Married to Jo Jo Fletcher with our first child.” You’re still supposed to pretend you’re falling for Jo Jo herself, even if a lot guys are seduced by the title above all else. If you ask me, a lot of these guys are not here for the right reasons.

If he had a super power it would be to be able to fly, which is cool but nowhere near cool enough to have it as your one power if you could literally choose any one you want. I do respect the fact that he hates it when his date chews with her mouth open, but I’m pretty sure everyone hates that.

Jake comes off as a fairly regular guy. I can’t see a regular guy winning this thing, but maybe he can get a rose on the first night if he’s not obnoxious.

JONATHAN

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If I were just glancing at the pictures, I’m pretty sure I would have had Jonathan slated for an exit at the first cocktail party. But after digging a little deeper into his interview, I was intrigued enough that I could see him getting a rose the first night.

Jonathan, when asked about gluten in his interview (for some reason), says “I don’t think that’s a real allergy”. I googled “gluten allergy fake” and as it turns out a lot of people on the Internet agree with him.

I cannot tell you how much I want one of the other contestants to have (or at least believe he has) a SERIOUS gluten allergy. I hope they discuss it and Jonathan tells him it’s all in his head. Then I hope the other guy (angrily) tells Jonathan he almost died from a severe reaction to gluten so he has a lot of nerve telling him it’s all in his head. I hope Jonathan calls him a liar and maybe pushes him. Then I hope punches start flying and the producers have to get in there and break it up. I’ve always been a starry eyed dreamer.

He is a big fan of R.L. Stine, who I think writes the Goosebumps books, which are written for 12 year olds. He won’t eat vegetables, and admits he eats like a 12 year-old. If Jonathan could be anyone in the world he would be someone really poor in a 3rd world country, so he could appreciate what he has—which sounds like a something a 12 year-old would say, hoping someone will tell him how selfless he is for a 12 year-old.

Why do I have this guy in the 3rd tier?  It may be indefensible.  If you draft him and he gets a rose on the first night, don’t expect anything else.

NICK B.

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Nick B. is on the old side at age 33, but he’s also passionate, intuitive, and athletic. Throw in that he describes himself as an “eager to please” lover, and all is forgiven.

If he could be anyone for a day, it would be the woman he was going to marry. He says it’s so he could see what was in her head—and then adds that he could probably only last a day in a woman’s head anyway, just to remind us how crazy women are and how much of a guy he is.

Then he quickly reminds us again he’s still all man by telling us his favorite movies are Gladiator, Braveheart and Saving Private Ryan.

Then, probably still unsure of how manly we think he is, he mentions he made the Classic Eagles Rugby team.  I don’t know what that is, but since he made a point of telling us, it is probably a team full of men who take being men very seriously.

Then he tells us he wrestled a lion to the ground and killed it with his bare hands for fun once. Just kidding, he didn’t say that. But you could see him saying it, right?

Nick’s favorite magazine is Ducks Unlimited. I went to their website, and at first it seemed like they just really liked ducks.  But then I realized that they really just like shooting ducks.  So he isn’t just a bad ass movie watchin’, rugby playin’, doesn’t understand how women thinks kind of guy—he hunts too.

Now, the sad part of Nick B.’s story is that he has never received a romantic present of any kind and he “is not sure why”. Yeah, that’s a real head scratcher.

I’ll be back tomorrow with the bottom of the barrel.  Some of these guys are going to be a real pleasure to discuss.  –The Truth

 

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