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The Wolf's Big Board:     Tuesday, August 22, 2017       Tier One - The Big Three ($65 - $75)   1 ) David Johnson (ARI) RB1   2 ) Le'Veon Bell (PIT) RB2   Tier Two - High-end WR1 and RB1s ($50-$65)   3 ) Antonio Brown (PIT) WR1   4 ) Julio Jones (ATL) WR2   5 ) Mike Evans (TB) WR3   6 ) Odell Beckham JR. (NYG) WR4   7 ) LeSean McCoy (BUF) RB3   8 ) AJ Green (CIN) WR5   9 ) Jordy Nelson (GB) WR6   10 ) Melvin Gordon (LAC) RB5   11 ) Jay Ajayi (MIA) RB6   12 ) DeMarco Murray (TEN) RB7   13 ) Michael Thomas (NO) WR7   14 ) Devonta Freeman (ATL) RB8   15 ) Ezekiel Elliott (DAL) RB9   Tier 3 - Remaining WR1s, Potential RB1s, and Gronk ($38 - $45)   16 ) Dez Bryant (DAL) WR8   17 ) Rob Gronkowski (NE) TE1   18 ) Todd Gurley (LAR) RB10   19 ) DeAndre Hopkins (HOU) WR9   20 ) Amari Cooper (OAK) WR10   21 ) Brandin Cooks (NE) WR11   22 ) Isaiah Crowell (CLE) RB11   23 ) TY Hilton (IND) WR12   24 ) Demaryius Thomas (DEN) WR13   25 ) Doug Baldwin (SEA) WR14   Tier 4 - High-End RB2 and WRs (with No.1 upside), Elite TEs ($25 - $35)   26 ) Jordan Howard (CHI) RB11   27 ) Marshawn Lynch (OAK) RB12   28 ) Tyreek Hill (KC) WR15   29 ) Keenan Allen (LAC) WR16   30 ) Martavis Bryant (PIT) WR17   31 ) Davante Adams (GB) WR18   32 ) Terrelle Pryor (WAS) WR19   33 ) Ty Montgomery (GB) RB13   34 ) Christian McCaffrey (CAR) RB14   35 ) Dalvin Cook (MIN) RB15   36 ) Joe Mixon (CIN) RB16   37 ) Leonard Fournette (JAX) RB17   38 ) Lamar Miller (HOU) RB18   39 ) Travis Kelce (KC) TE2   40 ) Michael Crabtree (OAK) WR20   41 ) Larry Fitzgerald (ARI) WR21   42 ) Carlos Hyde (SF) RB19   Tier 5 - Remaining #2 RB & WR options, elite QBs, High-End TE1s ($15 - $25)   43 ) Tom Brady (NE) QB1   44 ) Aaron Rodgers (GB) QB2   45 ) Bilal Powell (NYJ) RB20   46 ) Mark Ingram (NO) RB21   47 ) Eric Decker (TEN) WR22   48 ) Jordan Reed (WAS) TE3   49 ) Golden Tate (DET) WR23   50 ) Alshon Jeffery (PHI) WR24   51 ) Allen Robinson (JAX) WR25   52 ) Greg Olsen (CAR) TE4   53 ) DeSean Jackson (TB) WR26   54 ) Doug Martin (TB) RB22   55 ) Adrian Peterson (NO) RB23   56 ) Spencer Ware (KC) RB24   57 ) Willie Snead (NO) WR27   58 ) Danny Woodhead (BAL) RB25   59 ) Jamison Crowder (WAS) WR28   60 ) Sammy Watkins (LAC) WR29   61 ) Tevin Coleman (ATL) RB26   62 ) Mike Gillislee (NE) RB27   63 ) Jimmy Graham (SEA) TE5   64 ) Tyler Eifert (CIN) TE6   Tier 6 - Flex RBs, Upside WR3s, Quality TE1s and Elite QB ($10 - $15   65 ) Kelvin Banjamin (CAR) WR30   66 ) Julian Edelman (NE) WR31   67 ) Rob Kelley (WAS) RB28   68 ) Theo Riddick (DET) RB29   69 ) Stefon Diggs (MIN) WR32   70 ) Brandon Marshall (NYG) WR33   71 ) Jarvis Landry (MIA) WR34   72 ) DeVante Parker(MIA) WR35   73 ) LeGarrette Blount (PHI) RB30   74 ) Ameer Abdullah (DET) RB31   75 ) CJ Anderson (DEN) RB32   76 ) Zach Ertz (PHI) TE7   77 ) Hunter Henry (LAC) TE8   78 ) Martellus Bennett (GB) TE9   79 ) Jeremy Maclin (BAL) WR36   80 ) Cameron Meredith (CHI) WR37   81 ) Emmanuel Sanders (DEN) WR38   82 ) Pierre Garcon (SF) WR39   83 ) Drew Brees (NO) QB3   84 ) Matt Ryan (ATL) QB4   85 ) Delanie Walker (TEN) TE10   Tier 7 -Elite Bench Plays, Last Startable WRs and RBs, Quality QB1s   86 ) Derrick Henry (TEN) RB33   87 ) CJ Prosise (SEA) RB34   88 ) Donte Moncrief (IND) WR40   89 ) Terrance West (BAL) RB35   90 ) Thomas Rawls (SEA) RB36   91 ) James White (NE) RB37   92 ) Tyrell Williams (LAC) WR41   93 ) Randall Cobb (GB) WR42   94 ) Corey Davis (TEN) WR43   95 ) Frank Gore (IND) RB38   96 ) Jonathan Stewart (CR) RB39   97 ) Paul Perkins (NYG) RB40   98 ) Derek Carr (OAK) QB5   99 ) Jameis Winston (TB) QB6   100 ) Marcus Mariota (TEN) QB7   101 ) Kirk Cousins (WAS) QB8   102 ) Ben Roethlisberger (PIT) QB9   103 ) Philip Rivers (LAC) QB10   104 ) Cam Newton (CAR) QB11   105 ) Dak Prescott (DAL) QB12   106 ) Russell Wilson (SEA) QB13   107 ) Duke Johnson (CLE) RB41   108 ) Kareem Hunt (KC) RB42   109 ) Andrew Luck (IND) QB14   110 ) Tyrod Taylor (BUF) QB15   111 ) Jack Doyle (IND) TE10   112 ) Kyle Rudolph (MIN) TE11   Tier 7 - High End "Penny Stock" Bench Assets   113 ) Jamaal Williams (GB) RB43   114 ) Eddie Lacy (SEA) RB44   115 ) Joe Williams (SF) RB45   116 ) Robby Anderson (NYJ) WR44   117 ) Zay Jones (BUF) WR45   118 ) John Brown (ARI) WR46   119 ) Jamaal Charles (DEN) RB46   120 ) Eric Ebron (DET) TE13   121 ) D'Onta Foreman (HOU) RB47   122 ) Taylor Gabriel (ATL) WR47   123 ) Jacquizz Rodgers (TB) RB48   124 ) Darren Sproles (PHI) RB49   125 ) Marvin Jones (DET) WR48   126 ) Ted Ginn Jr (NO) WR49   127 ) Mike Wallace (BAL) WR50   128 ) Kenny Golladay (DET) WR51   129 ) Jonathan Williams (BUF) RB50   130 ) Alvin Kamara (NO) RB51   131 ) Samaje Perine (WAS) RB52   Tier 8 - Remaining "Penny Stocks" to consider   132 ) Josh Docston (WAS) WR52   133 ) Corey Coleman (CLE) WR53   134 ) Adam Thielen (MIN) WR54   135 ) Marlon Mack (IND) RB53   136 ) Julius Thomas (MIA) TE14   137 ) Austin Hooper (ATL) TE15   138 ) Jared Cook (OAK) TE16   139 ) OJ Howard (TB) TE17   140 ) Eli Manning (NYG) QB16   141 ) Andy Dalton (CIN) QB17   142 ) Matthew Stafford (DET) QB18   143 ) Carson Palmer (ARI) QB19   144 ) Matt Forte (NYJ) RB54   145 ) Branden Oliver (LAC) RB55   146 ) Kenny Britt (CLE) WR57   147 ) Cordarelle Patterson (OAK) WR58   148 ) Rex Burkhead (NE) RB56   149 ) Tarik Cohen (CHI) RB57   150 ) Nelson Agholor (PHI) WR59  

Woman’s hallucinations of Mr. Clean expose her passionless marriage in Super Bowl 51 commercial

Because Roto Street’s humor can be dark and dreary, just grading the Super Bowl 51 commercials wasn’t enough. Introducing the “Alternate Endings” where we strip the big game’s most memorable ads to their cores, while revealing what happened once the cameras stopped rolling. 

A Fateful Eve with Mr. Clean

In one of the Super Bowl 51’s more memorable commercials, a hulked up Mr. Clean has a new soaked spot to work on, as his seductive washing techniques have seriously aroused Sara, a recently married, but ultimately unsatisfied librarian at the local elementary school.  On the surface, this advertisement appears to have sparked some scorching love flames, leading us viewers to believe a night of passionate pleasure is in store for our featured couple.

Dig a little deeper, however, and you’ll find out how this fateful night, beginning with a simple house clean, has withered this relationship into a puddle of despair that not even the meatiest of Mr. Cleans can mop up.

What lies beneath…

 

 

Our commercial opens with Sara, who’s looking frustrated with a typical stove stain and her increasing clumsiness; really, far more lingers underneath this hardened surface.  Racing through her mind, on their usual diabolical cycle, are her doubt-filled questions about her floundering marriage:

Did we rush into things? Is this really it for me? Will I ever orgasm again? 

The distant chirping of crickets, clearly symbolic for her loneliness and the growing gap between her and Seth, is suddenly interrupted by the ominous tingle of a chime; the ether inhalation from all the cleaning supplies has begun sinking in.

Suddenly, our brawn baldie struts on in, donned in his form-clinging white outfit; Sara’s despairing thoughts are erased and replaced with a school girl lust she hasn’t felt in months.

What is this feeling? It feels so… good.

Her longing, even desperate eyes lock with Mr. Clean’s, and it’s clear her lady parts, inexcusably unused for the better part of a year, have been revitalized once more… like an old, rusting sprinkler finally being turned on for the first summer day.  In a not-so-subtle next twist, a distant moan roars as Mr. Clean slams down his washing supplies and wrings out a sponge that, at this point, mine as well be Sara’s basic cotton panties:

 

Sponge or soaked panties? You decide.

 

Build it on up…

Mr Clean is clearly no stranger to the foreplay game, and the obvious next steps are taken: scrubbing the stove, windexing the mirrors, dropping dat ass down while mopping the floors. Standard, well-played… you’d expect no less.

No matter the room, Mr. Clean creates new puddles… and always mops them up.

Of course, a sexual demon has arisen in our tragic hero Sara, and the need for an exorcism is at its peak.  The ponytail predictably comes down. The hips uncontrollably sway.  As Sara seductively runs her hand through her hair, one thing is abundantly clear: this dormant volcano is set to erupt.

Our erotic, yet slightly haunting 80’s porn song, “What you want…what you need… your fantasy…your ecstasy,” is suddenly interrupted by an oafish voice; clearly still incapable of picking up on these blatantly aroused cues, Seth calls out, “Sarah?”

In this same moment, the viewer realizes the root of this sexual defeat:

Droopy B cups. A constant dumbfounded grin that lost it’s cuteness in a mere month. A bulbous gut that’s expanding at alarming rates. Worst of all, a continued unawareness of his own wife’s needs.

But, with a shredded Mr. Clean still embedded in her mind, none of this matters.  Sara hurls herself at Seth, like a lion at the watering hole; Seth unsurprisingly loses his balances, falls into the microfiber and sends his cleaning supplies into the air:

Things Take a  “Flaccid” Turn…

 

 

“You gotta love a man who cleans,” the ad informs us as it comes to a close. But what if this man is incapable of being loved?

Unfortunately, Sara soon realized she was headed down the usual dead end, as Seth’s erectile dysfunction again kicked in.  It had begun shortly after their engagement, but was easily blamed on the wedding planning stress…then came the honeymoon, blamed on the All Inclusive Drinking… then came every other meager attempt in the first few months of marriage… before they just stopped trying altogether to spare one another the embarrassment. Why had she been foolish enough to expect anything different this time?

Thus, a night of overflowing sexual desire ended in sheer, swollen exasperation yet again.  Sure, Seth&Sara, unwilling to admit defeat so early, would continue going through the motions — paint nights, therapy sessions, adding Bernard, the Mini Bernie Doodle to the “family.” Still, all these distractions couldn’t hide the grim truth: Sara had been more turned on by an imaginary janitor than ever once by her own husband. Another brick into the cold wall of divorce had been laid.

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